Accidental Love

Thanks.

That's good for business.

Thank you.

Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream

Make him the cutest that I've ever seen...

Excuse me!

Give him two lips like roses in clover

Then tell him that his lonely nights are over

Sandman, I'm so alone

Don't have nobody to call my own

Please turn on your magic beam

Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream...

That's a hell of a move, darling. I never get tired of it.

- Thanks, Mom. - Maybe take your hair down.

- Why? - Scott came to see us yesterday.

What does that have to do with my hair? Did he come and get his belt sander?

No. He came to get our blessings.

What?

Sandman, bring us a dream

Give him a pair of eyes with a come hither gleam

Give him a lonely heart like Pagliacci...

Wow.

And lots of wavy hair like Liberace

Sandman, someone to hold...

Hi, Scott.

So please turn on your magic beam

Mister Sandman, bring us a dream...

He is so awesome. What a dreamboat. You get everything.

Nobody gets everything, Brenda. You hang in there.

- Vintage Cruising Night looks great. - Yeah, it does.

You notice anything different?

Maybe how you're feeling today or how I'm feeling today?

Nah, I got the... got the...

Oh, you got the new Bluetooth Oakleys. Oh, that's exciting.

It is exciting. But guess who had to pay for them? Me. Can you believe that?

- Oh, that's so not right. - Well, it's the principle.

We shouldn't have to pay to do our jobs.

80% of police authority comes from controlling eye contact

like I'm doing here right here with you. See?

Anyway... I want to talk about tonight.

- Okay. - I'm taking you to a special dinner.

Got your shift covered. Don't worry about it. I already talked to Bobby.

- Right now? - Right now.

- Where we going? - Only the best restaurant in town.

- No way. - Yeah, The Fancy Gondola.

- So cool. - It's right there.

All these people, most of them are like lawyers,

and professionals, and judges, and stuff.

Alice...

This was voted best alfredo in Smith County three years in a row.

We've been dating for, what, eight months now?

And I will never forget the first day you skated up to my motorcycle.

And our eyes met.

Excuse me, do you know how long it's going to be?

Yeah, about 25 minutes tops.

- I don't mind if you eat while I work. - Let's just move to another table.

No, no, we're not moving. They don't have anything else.

This is the best table. It's the Gondola table.

- It's the Gondola table. - It's romantic.

- It's very romantic. - Took me two weeks to get it.

Or I would have been doing this two weeks ago.

Alice, I love you for who you are.

For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health.

- You are my precious honeycomb cluster. - Excuse me, sir. Is there an issue?

- The ambiance is a little nail gunning. - Right.

I planned this with your restaurant. I don't know why this is all happening.

Who's the genius who decided to do construction during all of this?

This is outrageous. I can't believe this. This is...

- My whole marriage proposal is ruined. - No, it's not, Scotty. Go, go.

All right, we're very sorry, sir. Just bear with us another minute.

Oh, it's too tight.

I mean, it's perfect. I mean, my finger's too big.

The honeycomb cluster does have large knuckles.

Yes, yes, I will marry you.

From the bottom of my heart,

it would be my honor to be...

It's imbedded deep in the forward part of the left front lobe.

Two inches below the scalp.

- We have to be extremely careful. - She could be brain damaged for life.

Wait! She has no insurance. Shut it down.

Thank you, Arlene. You're an angel.

Oh, I'm starving. Where'd those hamburgers go?

You have to operate. This is an emergency.

Emergency. That's a very interesting word.

A gunshot wound or the belly is bleeding, that's an emergency.

This girl's not bleeding. She can get up and walk right out of here.

Might be an emergency in a week or a month, but not today.

I am sick and tired of uninsured 25-year-olds coming in here

and expecting our services for free.

Plus, we're liable, which means we could end up paying you.

Why don't you just file a lawsuit against The Fancy Gondola?

With the courts and all, it would take years to collect.

Wait. How much could this cost anyway?

How could it be $150,000 to pull a nail out?

It's brain surgery.

It's stuck in the sesamoid bone that's behind the nose. It's deep. It's not good.

Maybe we could get married and then I can be on Scott's plan.

Okay, then the nail would be a preexisting condition and the insurer won't pay.

Well, what if we just leave it in there?

You know, I think I feel like I've seen this on the internet.

You know, some rocker dude has nails in his head and he's fine. I could be fine.

It depends on where it is. And yours is in a super unlucky place.

Okay, how unlucky are we talking, Doc? I deal with odds on a daily basis, okay?

That's my job. What are the odds of Alice being completely messed up?

She could lose mouth motor control, have slurred speech.

Have a lifetime of heavy drooling.

Not a fun wife.

Well, our love is stronger than that, right, Scotty?

Scotty? Scotty?

Let's just see what the doctors have to say.

Another option, if the nail shifts within the lobe,

then she's likely to lose all kinds of inhibitions.

- Oh, that's really good, right? - Yeah, that could be good.

Frankly, that's kind of a pain in the ass.

Might be good for sex.

Maybe I can finally have an orgasm.

Okay, honey. So, private.

I already told you that 50 to 60% of women don't have orgasms from intercourse.

What about you starting gentle like I asked?

And then taking it at the angle that I really like?

Anyway, so.

The nail in this lobe could actually

cause her fits of panic, unpredictable moments

- of wrath, rage, anger. - Yeah, I read that same article.

And she could start speaking fragments of a foreign language

that maybe she was exposed to as a child.

It's crazy, but it happens. I've seen it once before.

Oh, my God. Remember Portuguese Jimena, my babysitter?

I wanted her to be in the bridesmaid.

Yeah, yeah, Jimena,

- yeah, the babysitter. - What are you doing?

Needs to be resized, right?

Well, are we still engaged?

- Let's just... - We are, right?

Let's focus on fixing your head right now. And take it from there, okay?

This will give you good luck for now.

Did you just exchange her engagement ring for a chicken foot?

Okay, first of all, it's a hawk talon. It's very meaningful to me. Alice knows that.

It's brought me great luck over the years 90% of the time.

How's my baby?

- Oh, Mom. Dad. - Oh, baby.

Will you please pay for my surgery?

- Well, sure we will. - Hawk talon's working already.

- How much is it? - 150,000.

150,000?

We don't have that kind of money.

I thought I was on your health plan.

Oh, no, baby. That stopped when you were 22, remember?

We gave you the choice to have basic healthcare or a credit card

- that Daddy would pay up to 500 a year. - Yeah. I remember.

At the time, I thought the credit card sounded more fun,

but now I think insurance sounds like more fun.

That's the way it goes.

Bob, we could take out a second mortgage on the house to pay for this.

- Yes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no. We already have a second mortgage on the house.

Well, didn't somebody get engaged today?

- That's on hold. - What?

- Yeah. - Oh, no. Oh, no, no.

- You are still engaged. - We're going to fix that.

We're going to fix that lickety-split. We're going to fix it.

You're engaged. We'll have a fundraiser.

You look good.

- Hi, Alice. - Welcome. Read about the brain surgery.

Hi, read about the brain surgery? How are you? Read about the brain surgery?

- Here you go. Don't lose that. - Hey you.

- Hey, Brenda, how are ya? - You look good.

So do you. Read about the brain surgery? There's yours.

Oh, that spongy feeling is hard to resist.

That's your brain, you know.

Yeah, that's my brain. So please stop pushing on it.

- I am a doctor, remember? - An animal doctor.

- Cows can't tell you when it hurts. - They can tell me.

Alice, some other people with uninsured injuries have shown up.

What? Why can't they get their own fundraisers?

No, I think they're here to support you. It's like a solidarity thing.

- You remember Reverend Norm? - Hi.

Sorry I haven't been to church in, like, seven years. I've been pretty busy.

Well, maybe this crisis will bring you back to God. As it brought Keyshawn.

My own crisis has driven me away. I'm on a little sabbatical at the moment.

They put him on indefinite leave because of his medical situation.

- It was a sabbatical. - They forced him to take a break.

- Okay, that's not important. - Oh, it's important.

He prayed to God to save his 40-year-old marriage.

And God answered with Viagra and Cialis.

And that didn't work. Then he answered with an experimental super pill.

- I signed a waiver. - You see this?

- No one wants to hear this. - Wow.

- Okay, super. Let's go, Scott. - Okay.

Did you see the size of that preacher's basket. Whoa.

Hi, everyone. I just want to thank you all for coming. You're all under arrest.

Just kidding. I just wanted to say that it's time to make a request for donations.

So I wanted to say that...

Sorry. Sorry. Alice, the speakers aren't wired right. Fix something, please.

Okay, I've prepared some remarks. Please don't leave. Why is everyone leaving?

6.33, 6.34.

Some stupid change from Cousin Al.

Does the bank even cash a check for a dollar?

That's from Jim. People said they woulda gave more if it was another organ like a kidney.

What's she supposed to do? Stick a nail in her liver?