The Million Dollar Hotel

# I have a lover,

# A lover like no other.

# She got soul, soul, soul, sweet soul,

# And she teach me how to sing.

# Shows me colours when there's none to see,

# Gives me hope when I can't believe

# That for the first time

# I feel love.

# I have a brother,

# Well, I'm a brother in need.

# I spend my whole time running,

# He spends his runnin' after me.

# I feel myself goin' down,

# I just call and he comes around,

# But for the first time

# I feel love.

# My father is a rich man,

# He wears a rich man's cloak,

# Gave me the keys to his kingdom comin',

# Gave me a cup of gold.

# He said, "I have many mansions

# "And there are many rooms to see. "

# But I left by the back door

# And I threw away the key.

# And I threw away the key.

# Yeah, I threw away the key.

# Yeah, threw away the key.

# For the first time,

# For the first time,

# For the first time. #

Wow... After I jumped, it occurred to me:

life is perfect, life is the best.

It's full of magic and beauty...

opportunity and television.

And surprises. Lots of surprises, yeah.

And then there's that stuff that everybody longs for...

but they only really feel when it's gone.

All that just kind of hit me. I guess you don't really see it all that clearly when you're...

you know... alive.

I guess you could say my life only really started about two weeks ago.

That's when I lost my best friend Izzy...

and found Eloise.

Eloise... she was something to live for.

And I guess that means something to die for.

Some people said that she was just a dumb slut, but I knew she wasn't dumb.

Whatever Eloise was or wasn't didn't matter to me.

She was the love of my life, even though I hadn't actually met her...

...yet. OK, Dan, wait, wait, wait... and surprise!

OK, this is one of the nicest spots at the Million Dollar Hotel. We call it "The Lobby".

People come from all over the building and sit and talk about the good old days...

...when they still had insurance.

And, of course, to enjoy the television.

- It's 10 a. m. Switch it. - Yeah, Tom Tom, switch it.

I should tell you, at the time I was a bit slow in the head...

...and that's why I did all the dumb stuff for everybody.

Izzy called me "The Beggar's Butler"...

...and I liked the sound of that.

Dumb stuff is what I was doing the day he arrived...

...all the way from Washington.

I had never seen anybody from Washington before.

Wow!

I remember seeing his shoes first...

...and then his suit...

...which was like an evening gown or something, only for a man.

You could see right away he was special, even before he told you.

My name is Special Agent Detective J.D. Skinner of the FBI.

Now, if any of you have any questions... Don't touch me.

- You'll do. Take me to his room. - Who... whom... who?

What are you, an owl? The dead man, Israel Goldkiss.

Izzy.

- Is he what? - Izzy... was he...?

Izzy. Right.

- Geronimo. - Whatever.

Yeah, let's go to Geronimo.

- Geronimo, hi ho, let's go. - Hi ho!

What is he, an idiot?

I remember he picked up on that real fast.

Skinner, man, I don't think you're gonna solve shit around here. This place is a freak show.

Excuse me, coming through!

Watch it, man!

I smell press. Why don't you keep them at bay?

Sorry, sir, but my job was to chaperone you and to make sure you observe LAPD protocol.

So, why don't you stay here and observe protocol? You got a freight elevator here?

Tom Tom, why don't you take him up?

You know, a man's home is a man's castle.

- You know, a man's home... - I heard you!

It's certainly a man's castle.

Why did you say I was an idiot?

Wild guess.

Good guess.

We went too high. It's going down.

- Skinner. - Hi, baby. Straight to the hotel?

Yeah, I'm there now... No, fine.

- You read the file? - Strange one... I'll get it narrowed.

- A few days, maybe. - We're gonna lose our reservation.

- Why don't you fly ahead, warm it up. - I miss your lips.

- I miss yours, too, baby. - Hurry up, or you'll miss all of me.

- Is someone there? - No, just an echo.

- You better be careful. - Maya, Code Blue. Bye, baby.

It's room 440, just down the hall.

It was exciting to become a Special Agent's apprentice.

I figured I could learn a lot from him.

Certainly more than he would learn from me.

Detective Skinner, FBI.

This is my room. What is happening here?

This is Izzy's room, and you're not Izzy.

Izzy went aerial, man. Wait!

- Is this some story about Izzy? - We call this real life.

So what's with the fancy Frankenstein brace?

Who is this guy?

- Yo, Tom Tom. - Yo, Geronimo?

- Hi ho, hi ho... - And it's off to work we go.

Now stand still and pay attention.

"Fancy Frankenstein" sounds good to me.

I guess special agents don't like to be called names.

They sure know how to get 'em, though.

John Dixie, Jessica Orville, Eloise Ashe.

If they're here, I need to see them. If they're not, I need to find them.

Oh, that's tricky. See, our guests don't have regular schedules...

...and since we've had this problem with the plumbing...

Well, there's been a lot of running around.

I'm in a little bit of a rush, but I could take the time to hit you with 10 or 12 violations

that would ensure you'd be out in the street, laying a pipe in your hat

and using puddles for plumbing. You follow?

OK, yeah. Why don't you try Dixie?

He never really leaves his room. 406. He likes to be called "The Walrus". Could help.

Geronimo said that Skinner scared him and that he might be crazier than all of us together.

We'd better warn everybody he was coming to find Izzy's killer.

Someone's movin' the door. I was...

I just wondered if Skinner could really be crazier than Dixie.

Dixie was in a music band called The Beatles.

Only they didn't know.

Special Agent Skinner. I'm a detective.

You got some Oragel? This fucking cavity's going into my brain.

Morphine, Motrin, Tylenol, anything? Come on, you call yourself a dentist?

Detective. Teeth, gums, gingivitis are out of my line.

Where the hell have you been? I've been calling you pretty little policemen for months now.

- We're here. - It's about time. Somebody's trying to kill me.

If they succeed, I'll come and see you again.

# I've heard it before...

# Someone came through the door... #

Oh, hello! Jump in.

Don't forget your shot again.

What is it with her?

She's a little fucked up, poor dear. But her mother was really fucked up.

What the hell, we're all fucked up. They never really got the hang of it.

Jessica, there's a cop coming.

Oh, God! I knew it! They're putting her into my custody, after three years in hospital.

- How am I gonna handle it? - No, it's not about that.

- He's trying to find out who killed Izzy. - I thought he jumped.

Well, maybe he didn't.

I keep it inside the big brown bag, inside the loo.

I've been calling your name. I called Liverpool, Interpol, even Paul.

Since I wasn't officially in the band, you know how it goes, it ain't easy.

Yeah, sure. That's not exactly why I'm here.

Israel Goldkiss was pushed from the roof. That makes you a suspect.

Jesus bleeding Christ! Are you paying attention? I'm talking The Beatles, here. The Fab Four.

John understood. That's why they had him killed, you know?

Now they're trying to kill me, because they finally realised who's behind all those songs.

- But I ain't seen no royalties. - Yeah, that's tough.

But either you cooperate, or I book you.

I've been doing nothing but cooperate my whole fucking life.

That's what it's all about to be in a band.

I'm not saying they weren't creatively involved...

but most of the time, they were off with that Maharishi.

You know, India, whatever, you know.

There I was, all alone in the studio with my brilliant ideas...

Thank God I had George Martin.

George... Oh, that album in particular, we grew together like this, me and George.

That's what worries me. You're worried about some flying junkie.

You big mystery solver. "Roll up, roll up!"

You better solve this: how the fuck could they release that album without me on the cover?

If you want to make a name for yourself, Sergeant, you go and figure that one out.

I only do one case at a time.

Tell you what, you give me a confession, I'll look into those royalties for you.

I don't know, maybe it was the excitement of everything...

...murder and mystery and special agents.

Suddenly I just knew: this was my chance to speak to Eloise.

I wanted her to know my name.

It took me a while. You can be slow but confident.

I guess that's the way I am... was.

You shouldn't be smoking.

Sometimes when people smoke, they...

...they die, and sometimes they even get cancer.

Cancer.

And sometimes people die when they smoke, and sometimes they even get cancer.

I can't die.

Oh, you can't?

- You can't? - I don't exist.

So, how come?

I'm fictional.

Sergeant, I don't know what medication you're on, but...

Izzy was a dreamer. We were all dreamers, you know.

Haven't you ever read the interviews? Haven't you ever seen the tapes?

"I was driving to John's in my Aston Martin, and I was stuck in that intersection, you know.

"All of a sudden it came to me, as I went into a dream.

"Somebody spoke to me. 'All right, all right, all right', I said. "

So people think God spoke to him. You think God spoke to him?

You think God sits around writing songs?

I am The Walrus. God's just the middleman.