South Park

And now a fireside chat with the creators of Comedy

Central's "South Park," Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

Oh, hello. I'm Trey Parker.

And I'm Matt Stone.

And this here is old Scratch.

Say hi, old fella.

This episode of "South Park" is called "Weight Gain 4000,"

and it's by far our favorite episode.

It's all about Kathie Lee Gifford coming to "South Park"

and Eric Cartman trying to beef himself up for the big day.

Exactly how much weight does Eric Cartman gain

in this episode?

Well, after Eric Cartman starts eating

the Weight Gain 4000, he gains 700 pounds.

That makes him almost as heavy as Sally Struthers.

Has Kathie Lee Gifford ever offended you in some fashion?

Was she flattered by her depiction here?

Well, we don't really care,

because Kathie Lee Gifford is a...

Very wonderful woman.

Both Trey and I really, really respect her work with Regis.

Guns and bullets seem to be

a recurring theme in "South Park."

Have either of you ever killed anyone?

I would never kill somebody, unless they pissed me off.

Guys, why do you keep killing off poor Kenny?

What did he ever do to you?

Well, Kenny is definitely our favorite character.

And even though he is our favorite character,

we feel we have to kill him in every episode,

and this one of our favorite deaths in this one.

How does someone create a show like "South Park"

and remain as pure and wholesome

as you both appear to be?

You know, everyone thinks that in order to do

"South Park" we must be wild, crazy rock 'n roll stars,

but the truth is, we're just wholesome middle-American guys.

We enjoy soda pop, baseball, and beating up old people

just as much as anybody.

So now sit back, relax, and enjoy "Weight Gain 4000."

##

# I'm going down to South Park #

# Gonna have myself a time #

All: # Friendly faces everywhere #

# Humble folks without temptation #

# Going down to South Park #

# Gonna leave my woes behind #

# Ample parking day or night #

# People spouting: "Howdy neighbor." #

# Headed on up to South Park #

# Gonna see if I can't unwind #

# So come on down to South Park #

# And meet some friends of mine #

Hey, Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning?

Yeah, it was huge.

Ugh, I hate those things.

Nobody hates rainbows.

Yeah, what's there to hate about rainbows?

Well, you know, you'll just be sitting there

minding your own business, and they'll come marching in

and crawl up your leg and start biting

the inside of your ass.

And you'll be all like, "Hey,

get out of my ass, you stupid rainbows."

Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?

I'm talking about rainbows.

I hate those friggin' things.

Rainbows are those arches of color

that show up during a rainstorm.

Oh, rainbows.

Oh, yeah, I like those.

Those are cool.

What were you talking about?

Heh? Oh, nothing. Forget it.

No, what marches in, crawls up your leg...

Nothing. And bites the inside

of your ass? Nothing.

Children, children, remember the Save Our Fragile Planet

essay contest that you children worked

so hard on last month?

One of our very own South Park students has won

the national prize.

Wow, I knew I would win.

Gosh, Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting.

That's right, Mr. Hat.

The winner of the national Save Our Fragile Planet

contest is... Eric Cartman.

What? What?

Congratulations, Eric, on writing

the award-winning paper.

Kick ass.

That's impossible.

Cartman doesn't know a rain forest from a Pop-Tart.

Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.

Out of over a million papers,

Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner.

Wow, what did you write about, Cartman?

Oh, you know, this and that.

He doesn't even know what he wrote about.

What was your paper about, Wendy?

My paper was on the suffering of bottle-nosed dolphins.

Well, you see, you shouldn't have written

a paper about dolphins.

Dolphins are stupid.

Dude, dolphins are, like, the second-smartest animal

on the planet.

Oh, right.

If they're so damn smart, how come they get caught

in those fishing nets all the time?

What? Wait, wait, there's more.

It says here that Eric's trophy

will be presented to him by...

Kathie Lee Gifford?

Kathie Lee is coming to South Park?

And the presentation will be on national television.

Both: Television?

Kathie Lee Gifford.

I don't believe it.

Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park.

Oh, my God.

This is our chance to make a name for ourselves, to show

that we're not some pissant, white-bread mountain town.

Better yet, it's a chance for you to get some publicity.

Yes, if I can show just how much I've turned South Park

around, I could become a senator.

Maybe even a state senator.

Mayor, we should decorate the town square.

Then we should have the chef of the school cafeteria sing

a song and play up the ethnic diversity of our town.

That's right.

He's a black guy, isn't he?

Black as the night itself, Mayor.

Yes, and we can even have the children of South Park

put on a little play.

Kathie Lee loves children.

If they're working in a sweatshop, that is.

Oh! Ouch.

Thank you.

You guys, guess what.

After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous.

Hitler was famous too.

Hello there, children.

Both: Hey, Chef.

How are my little crackers today?

Good.

Did y'all hear about the news?

Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park.

Yeah, 'cause Cartman cheated and won

the environmental essay contest.

Hey! Yeah, yeah, whatever.

But the mayor just called and asked me

to sing at the ceremony.

Wow, are you gonna do it?

Of course.

Kathie Lee is a beautiful, sultry queen of sexual fantasy.

And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into

a night of exotic delectation.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

Well, three times bigger than Frank Gifford's, anyway.

Oh, I can't even concentrate on grading papers

with all this excitement.

Why are you looking at me like that, Mr. Hat?

Have you forgotten about all the pain and suffering

that Kathie Lee Gifford caused you?

Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago, and...

And I was only a child.

We could've won that talent show.

We could've been huge.

Knock-knock, Mr. Hat.

Who's there? Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Thank you.

Wow, Mr. Hat, looks like we might win.

And now, our last talent show finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein.

# If they could see me now, that little gang of mine #

# I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine #

# I'd like those stumble bums to see for a fact #

# The kind of top-drawer first-rate chums I attract #

# All I can say is wowee, look at where I am #

# Tonight I landed pow right in a pot of jam #

# What a setup, holy cow, they'd never believe it #

# If my friends could see me now #

It wasn't fair.

She had choreography.

How could we compete with that?

But now she's coming to South Park,

and I know a way to make it all better.

How?

No, Mr. Hat.

I couldn't...

kill Kathie Lee Gifford.

Children, as you all know,

Ms. Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present

the award to some kid for an essay.

That kid is me. Whatever.

Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters

do a play about the history of South Park.

That'll be wonderful, won't it, Mr. Hat?

Kill her. Mr. Hat.