Sixteen Candles

It looks good.

On the northwest toll, eastbound traffic is moving nicely this morning...

From Beecham Road down to River Road.

Westbound, there's now a 20-car backup at the Devon Avenue toll.

And on the northbound I-290 extension at Thorndale Avenue,

we had a spinout there.

And that car was blocking the right-hand Lane...

And also blocking the Lane that's coming off of the, uh,

eastbound Thorndale Avenue entrance ramp...

Leading to the northbound, uh, I-290 extension.

This was causing a backup to Irving park. We have...

Come on, chop-chop. We got relatives invading this afternoon.

Ginny, Mike, Sara, Sam! Come on. Everybody up!

Oh, I think I have a fever.

You don't have a fever.

Shut your face. Make me.

Dad, Mike hit me!

You liar. Mike, come on, pal. We got a wedding tomorrow.

Try to cooperate, will you? Dad, I didn't hit her.

I'd like to very much, and I probably will later, but give me a break.

You know my method. I don't hit her when you're just down the hall.

Pick on someone your own size.

Open this door.

Daddy, I'm the one getting married.

Not until tomorrow. I've got a mouthful of toothpaste.

I happen to have a serious problem.

Dad.

She got her period. Should make for an interesting honeymoon, huh?

- Where are you learning that stuff? - School.

Good. Getting my money's worth.

They were fantastic. Just great. What a great crowd.

And it was so much fun...

Chronologically, you're 16 today.

Physically,

you're still 15.

Hopeless.

Nope. I look exactly the same as I have since summer.

Utterly forgettable.

No, I didn't expect to wake up transformed.

I just thought that turning 16 would be so major...

That I'd wake up with an improved mental state that would show on my face.

All it shows is that I don't have any sort of a tan left.

I better get downstairs.

My family's probably pissed off I haven't let them wish me Happy Birthday yet.

All right. I'll see you at school.

You need four inches of bod and a great birthday.

Where's my briefcase? Where'd you leave it?

Don't be a smart-ass. Okay, I'll be a dumb-ass.

You already are.

Okay, where's Sam? Where's my briefcase?

Sam? Allow me, Brenda. Hey, birth defect!

You missed breakfast again.

It wasn't my idea to give her her own phone line.

Grab a doughnut.

It's small. It's brown. It's made of leather.

It has my initials on it. And I believe... that's it.

Don't forget the grandparents are coming this afternoon.

Are we still having dinner with the rice chex?

Rizczechs. 8:00 at the club.

You'd better learn their names. As of tomorrow, they're family.

That's a lovely thought. Hmm.

When it comes your turn to get married, do me a favor. Elope.

Who'd marry her? Mr. T.

I'm sorry, you'll have to buy lunch today. I didn't have time to fix your carrots.

She's only eating carrots to increase the size of her breasts.

Mister, you had better shape up, or you will miss your sister's wedding.

Promise?

Now, don't give me that pouty look of yours.

You can eat your carrots when you get home.

That's it? You don't have anything else to say to me today?

What would you like me to say, Sam?

Come on now, honey. You're going to miss the bus.

Have a good day.

I can't believe this.

They fucking forgot my birthday.

I'm sure they didn't forget your birthday.

They just didn't remember it right away. Same difference.

It's a drag your sweet 16's the day before Ginny gets married.

But big deal. They'll remember. Oh, easy for you to say.

Did anyone ever forget your birthday? Come on, Sam.

Everything's getting shittier. My family

forgetting my birthday just makes it more vivid.

What do you expect, a breakfast birthday party?

No, but they could have at least said "happy"

"birthday." It was just like any other day.

Why don't you remind them?

They'll feel some massive guilt. It could be highly profitable.

I wouldn't stoop to remind them.

Since I was about 12, I've been looking forward to my sweet 16.

You know, a big party and a band, with tons of people. Tons of people.

And a big trans am in the driveway with a ribbon around it.

And some incredibly gorgeous guy that you meet in France.

And you do it on a cloud without getting pregnant or herpes.

I don't need the cloud. Just a pink trans am and the guy, right?

A black one. A black guy?

A black trans am. A pink guy.

Oh, no.

You swear to God, you don't have it? I don't know anything about it.

Jennifer woods gave me a sex test during child development.

And I was supposed to do it and pass it to you in independent study.

I'm totally screwed. Did you put your name on it?

Hi. No, but it was really embarrassing.

I had to name who I'd do it with if I ever did it.

Who'd you name?

Jake Ryan. Jake Ryan? He doesn't even know you exist.

Thank you. That's a very nice thing to say.

I'm sorry. But Jake Ryan?

He's a senior, and he's taken. I mean, really taken.

I know. It was supposed to be my ideal.

He's ideal, for sure, but forget it.

God, I hope whoever got the note doesn't know it was me who wrote it.

I'd shit twice and die.

Do you know Samantha Baker?

Sophomore, right?

Yeah. What do you think of her?

I don't.

Would you ever go out with her?

Depends on how much you paid me.

She's not ugly.

There's nothing there, man.

It's not ugly. It's just... Void.

You know what I mean? There's something about her.

I do independent study with her. I catch her looking at me a lot.

It's kind of cool, the way she's always looking at me.

Maybe she's retarded.

I'm being serious, okay?

She looks at me like she's in love with me.

Jake, she's a child.

So? So what're you going to do with her?

She's obviously too young to party serious.

Maybe I'm interested in more than a party.

Come on, Jake. You talk like you're hard up.

You got Caroline. Now she's a woman.

It's unbelievable.

I swear to God, Caroline mulford had to flunk about nine grades.

Truly makes me ill.

She's perfect.

Practically impossible to cut up. She's supposedly real sweet.

Brother's deaf, and everybody in the world worships her.

And she's going with Jake.

Oh, I'm going to kill myself.

My man.

I loathe the bus.

There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation.

I hope you get a car for your birthday, and a license.

Let's not hold our breath.

Score... a direct hit.

On second thought.

Move it!

Call me, okay? You call me first. Tell me what happened at home.

I can tell you right now. Nothing.

Will you quit feeling sorry for yourself? It's bad for your complexion!

How's it going?

How's what going?

You know, things, life, whatnot.

Life is not whatnot, and it's none of your business.

Hmm. So you going to the new faces dance tonight, or...

That's also none of your business.

Are you inhibited about dancing in public?

I mean, you don't have to dance.

Maybe you could just stand there with me and my dudes and just be you, and...

Sounds major.

So, I mean, what's the story? I mean, you got a guy, or...

Yes, three big ones, and they lust wimp blood.

So quit bugging me, or I'll stick them all over your weenie ass.

You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile.

I mean, it's just... - Go to hell.

Very hostile!

Come on, what's the problem here? I'm a boy, you're a girl.

Is there anything wrong with me trying to put together some kind of...

relationship between us?

Look, I know you have to go. Just answer one question.

Yes, you're a total fag.

That's not the question.

Am I turning you on?

It's encouraging.

Very encouraging. - Yeah, uh-huh.

You know, a girl with a hat is just so...

whew... vogue !

Uh, y-yeah.

Where are my blue socks, Dorothy?

You mean you didn't pack them? Oh, not again, Howard.

Can't I trust you to do anything?

Do you expect me to do all the packing?

Well, at least I brought this for you. It...

Sam! Samantha.

Look. Oh, look.

- Hi! - Hi!

Oh, God.

Oh, sweetheart!

My goodness, are you a sight for sore eyes.

Oh, good!

Just look. How are you, my little lamb chop? Hello!

I'm fine, grandpa.

How are you guys?

Oh, pretty good. Of course, I get lower back pain.

Oh, my corns are killing me. My arthritis in my fingers bothers me quite a bit...

So are you, uh... you're sleeping up here?

Yeah. Yeah.

Your grandfather Fred jumped our claim on Sara's room.