Americans in Bed

The first time I saw her,

I wasn't thinking about whether she was a good mom

or she was gonna be someone I would grow old with.

I wanted to nail her. That's the truth. Ha ha!

And then I got to that. That's what it was.

If you were, like, some, you know, one-toothed freak,

I don't care how good you are to my kids. I wouldn't have been--

or how good of a person you are; I wouldn't have wanted to be with you.

OK, that's true. It's definitely true.

I definitely have the same...

When you're first with someone and you start-- and you explore each other

and you start--become sexual, every moment of your day is when you're gonna fuck,

how you're gonna fuck, when you're gonna find time to fuck,

who's gonna fuck when, what are you gonna do, how does she do it.

And then, as you progress in your relationship, it's like, "All right,

"maybe Sundays, OK, you know, but we got so much to do for the week,

let's make Sunday the time we're gonna do it."

So we went through that at the beginning of our relationship.

All we did was try to figure out where we're gonna fool around:

my office, our apartment, wherever.

But I think now we plan, like, special times,

do you know what I mean, to be alone and stuff like that.

It's a little bit more romantic and, like, meaningful, I think--

I got to get you drunk now. Sometimes.

Usually night, morning,

and if we do anything, if we see each other during the day,

we'll have sex during the day. Right.

So, if we spend nonstop with each other, 2 or 3 times a day.

Time to have sex.

I think one of the ways in which Blanca and I connect to each other

is sexually, and people often look at us and kind of, like--

They're like, "How do you guys have sex?" 'cause, you know. "Hmm.

"'Cause you're 6'6", 240,

and you're 4'10", 82."

Ha ha ha! "How the hell?"

And the answer is, surprisingly well.

She's probably the best sex I've ever had in my life,

and she continues to be to this day.

Sure. A large part of it-- she doesn't believe me,

but it's true, and it's really important to me partially because

we managed to make things work physically so well

and partially because of the way I feel for her.

Yeah, I'm pretty happy with our sex life in terms of, you know,

the frequency and what we do together when we do things together. Yeah.

I think chemistry is non-tangible.

You just know it.

Been two years and I thought I'd be bored by now,

and not yet.

Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby.

Yow.

Yeah.

We met because Randy took 13,000 photographs of me.

He made a music video for me. I was stalking her.

I remember the first time we got together.

It was really hot. It was really hot.

Stop it. Shh.

I think sex is the most important thing in a relationship,

and I've always felt that way.

Now, I don't know if men see it that way,

but I feel pretty sure that I'm speaking

for, like, just about every woman in the world

that, like, when you have sex with your partner,

you kind of can't have sex with your partner

if you're really mad at them, if you're upset about something,

if you're stressed out about something,

if your house is a pig sty, whatever it is.

And because I, like, I would like to have sex every single day,

I feel like all those other things

have to be in order every single day as well.

I know not of a situation

in which that initial physical attraction

is something you could, like, develop into,

whereas I think it's a lot easier to work on things

like "I'm not gonna hang my underwear on the door"

or "I'm gonna call you if I'm running late" or whatever, like,

all the little nuances of your life

that are, like, kind of the boring stuff anyway.

I'd rather work on the boring stuff than have to, like, "work"

on the stuff that's, like, the fun, exciting stuff.

Hear, hear. And that was a good answer, OK?

So eat a dick. Ha ha ha!

I feel like I've met my soul mate,

the person that completes me, you know?

I had a hole in my chest,

and when I met her, that hole was filled

and I felt like I'm a whole person now and not a part of a person,

being with her.

Being with somebody who just wanted

to be with me and not anyone else--

that was really very important to me.

And respect. And it's what I needed

at the time and still.

Right.

Somebody who loves when you walk in the door,

says hello when you come in and good-bye when you go out,

and asks you how your day is and really cares

how your day was.

Goes to your softball games.

And goes to your softball games and cheers you on.

Watches you umpire. Oh, she's getting misty now.

Ha ha ha!

I'd been umpiring for 12 years at that point

and nobody came to watch me do it,

and she would.

She would just be happy to sit there

and watch me do my thing,

and she is so cute sitting in her little chair

with her sunflower seeds and her drink, just to, like--

and then the moms would, like, "Oh, which child is yours?"

"The umpire."

"I'm with the umpire." Ha ha ha!

"Oh. Nice.

Ha ha ha! "My Billy is playing shortstop."

She's like, "Oh. I'm with the umpire."

Ha ha ha ha!

That was hysterical.

Oversexed.

Oversexed.

He's...

No, he's normal and she's not.

He could have his sex anyplace,

even in the bathtub.

We had plenty of sex.

Well...

You know, he'd come around

and want to have sex.

Did I ever say no to you?

Never, never.

In all the years we're married? Never had a headache.

I never had a headache, I never had a backache.

I was always available.

It was me having the headaches. Yeah, he was--

Ha ha ha ha!

But I never refused him sex, never.

I had a very good lover and he taught me all I know.

If there's more to know, I'll never know, so...

I had been living with an older woman

when I was young, and she taught me

that a woman has to be satisfied.

And-- What are you scratching?

I'm just--just rubbing my arm. Stop scratching.

And, uh...

she was right.

No doubt.

Either you sleep with each other right away,

you know, or you don't, and because we didn't,

I was like, "OK, you know, what?

Is he interested or, you know, what's going on here?"

You know, and I think he would say, "Oh, I'm not,

you know, I'm not ready to rush into that."

I remember I used to play on a gay softball team,

and all my teammates, you know, when they-- knowing that George was

10 years younger than me, they would refer to him as "chicken."

That's a term, you know, for someone really young. "Oh, chicken.

You eating chicken tonight? You having chicken tonight?"

And "Well, no, we're not sleeping together."

"What? What are you, crazy? You're not having sex at all?"

I'm like, "No, I'm not." I wouldn't necessarily-- I wouldn't explain myself,

but I just knew that, you know, in the past

I would sleep with the individual and they would be gone the next day,

or I wouldn't sleep with the individual and they would be gone the next day.

I remember the first time we had sex, too. It wasn't--

I thought it was terrible. Yeah, it wasn't good.

I thought it was terrible. Maybe, like, he had hyped it up

to be something and I wasn't even prepared or I just--

it was like, "Oh, OK," you know.

And I don't know what happened after that, if we, like,

"Oh, like, let's give it another try."

For me, like, even though the sex was bad,

I was like, "All right, well, let's go on.

You know, there could be Try Number 2, Try Number 3. Maybe it'll get better."

I didn't just see him as a sexual being.

I saw him more as a partner, someone I can connect with

and, you know, it wasn't just about sex,

you know, but I think eventually--

I don't know what changed, but it got better.

I mean, we're not having sex, like, every night of the week.

I think that would be hot, you know--I mean, not--

I don't think I would enjoy that, but I think I would classify that

as hot, hot, you know, but-- But is sex the relationship?

Is the relationship sex? No, it's not.

For me, the relationship is the comprehensive total of everything going on here.

I think it's a hot relationship. Yes.

I think it's warm and could be hotter. Yeah.

How could it be hotter?

I guess more sex and having more intimacy. More--OK.

So, on a scale of one to ten, how hot is it for you?

I'd say it's a 6 or 7. 6 or 7?

And some more sex would make it an 8? No.

Well, in that area, I'm saying. In that area.

OK. Ha ha!

But I guess we see it differently. Hmm.

The last relationship that I was in prior to meeting George,

this was an individual that--the image I have in my head,

I would basically show up with my heart in my hand.

This individual would, yeah, caress it for a while, and then

take out a sledgehammer and smash it to bits and then walk away.

And then I would be in pain, I would delicately reconstruct this heart,

tape it, glue it, bandage it all together and come back:

"Here you go. I'm willing to show up again with this,"