Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual

Oh my God! Hello, Los Angeles!

What?

Let me hear it. A little bit more.

A little bit more. That's right. That's right.

Oh my God! Hello, you guys!

I am so excited to be here.

I know what you're thinking. "Oh my God."

-"We didn't realize he'd be hot too." Um… -

Very bravely, I am. Comedians can be hot now.

Comedians can be a vision, in fact. Um…

And I'm representing for that community tonight.

I'm so excited to be here in Los Angeles, my adopted home.

Oh my God, you guys are incredible.

Uh, I do love… One of the big perks of this job

is that I do get to travel a lot to do it,

but I don't always get to go to incredible cities.

Um, like, the last road gig that I had was actually in Boise, Idaho.

Okay… A "whoo," okay. Um…

We have different takes.

-Um… -

No, Boise was fine. I had a good time in Boise, Idaho.

I have to say, not a lot of Asian people in Boise.

I found this out the hard way

when I went to the P.F. Chang's in Boise, Idaho.

And the way people reacted to me when I walked into this restaurant,

you would've thought I was fucking P.F. Chang himself.

- -It was psychotic.

Like, people just rushing around the restaurant.

"Oh my God, should we kneel?" "I don't know!" You know?

"I've never seen one up close before."

I walked around like I was a fucking boy prince

returning to my kingdom.

"Everything the light touches is mine."

"I'm not my father. I'm… Kyle Chang."

"We're gonna be doing things differently. First, we'll be unfusing the cuisine."

"Everybody back to your own country!"

You guys are smart. Cool.

I love that. You guys have graduate degrees.

-Um… -

I was, uh, making small talk with one of the waitresses at the P.F. Chang's.

And she was like, "Where are you from?" I was like, "I live in Los Angeles."

And I shit you not, her immediate response was,

"Yeah, well, Boise has a lot to offer too."

- -

And I was like, "Yeah, bitch, I know. I'm standing in a P.F. Chang's." Like…

What else could I ask for from a city?

"You have a Shanghai burger?" What?

Like, "Give it to me."

I love to travel, I do, but um… I think I know the answer to this.

But are there gay people in the audience tonight?

-Where are you guys? Okay. -

You'll frighten them. They'll take all the rights away again.

It's so scary.

But so you guys… I don't have to explain to you

that as gay people, sometimes when we're traveling,

we have to do this thing called code-switching,

which basically means that when I'm in a red state,

-I start talking down here. -

I start talking down here. I start walking like a straight guy.

Very rigid, very teeny-tiny steps. It's very gay to get anywhere on time.

-You know? Um… -

But I will never lie about my sexuality.

I will never lie about being gay. Never again. No.

-I… -

I spent too long in the closet. I will not lie about my sexuality

unless my Uber driver looks at me funny, in which case,

"Yeah, I do have a girlfriend!" Um…

"Her name is Jessica. Uh, she grooms dogs,

and I love to kiss her."

Basically use my theater degree to perform a one-man show

called Toxic Masculinity for Ron, you know?

He eats it up every time.

But the weird thing about this impulse is that I do the complete opposite

when I'm in a major city, like New York or LA,

specifically around women.

Like, the first thing I want women to know about me is that I'm gay.

Because I know that for women right now in this country,

your number-one cause of death is men, you know?

And I just sort of… I wanna put you at ease

and let you know the only thing in danger with me is your self-esteem.

-You know? So… -

Okay.

Love that jacket.

Did you get it on Amazon? What? Um…

I'm just kidding. I only do it to the pretty girls 'cause I know

they can handle it.

But the problem with this system of flip-flopping back and forth

between these versions of myself to make straight people comfortable

is that sometimes I get very confused, and I get my wires crossed

about which version I'm supposed to be.

Like recently, I got home very late at night, parked on my street.

There was a woman walking her dog alone, and I was like,

"Oh fuck, I gotta make her feel safe. I gotta make her feel safe."

"Which version of Joel is that again?"

"Oh no. Oh God, I can't remember."

And I just ended up bounding up on her, like, "Hey, bitch, I love your shoes."

-Um… -

And that did not make her feel safe. No! No, no, no, no, no, no!

I was like, "Oh, in that octave, that does sound like a slur." Yeah, um…

"I'm so sorry."

"So sorry about that."

You guys are a lot of fun.

I'm so sorry. I do have to sort of pause the set really quickly, though,

and do a little bit of housekeeping. Um…

Now, I promise this question is not just about my ego.

It does crescendo into an amazing joke.

But who here in the audience came to the show tonight

and had some inkling of who I was,

was familiar with my work from previous stuff?

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Stop. I said…!

I said…

Stop it!

You guys are obsessed with me. What do you want? A medal?

More importantly… I love you. Thank you so much for coming.

But more importantly, who here came to the show tonight

and had no fucking idea who I was,

never heard of me before?

I definitely didn't need the "whoos" on that one.

-Um… -

Felt very pointed. Um…

Thanks, I guess.

But… Okay, so out of that second group, this is absolutely vital to the show.

What I need is a straight white man.

I am the only person in the country saying this right now.

I need a straight white man, okay?

Um, so narc on your friends. Where are they?

The straight white men who came and didn't know?

Right here. Okay, right there in the back of the row. I love that.

-And, sir, what's your name? - Ben.

Ben? I've never heard of you either, okay?

-Um… -

So just so you're aware, we are on the same page there.

Um, you are a stranger to me as well.

Now, here's the thing, Ben, okay?

I know exactly what you were thinking when I walked out on stage tonight.

Okay? I get it. I walked out on stage, and you're like,

"Oh, great. Here comes this gay Oriental comedian."

"Just another gay Oriental comedian. Gonna do some gay Oriental jokes."

"Just another gay Oriental."

"Just what I wanted to see tonight, a gay Oriental comedian."

"Gay Oriental comedian," the exact words that went through your head.

The exact words, "gay Oriental comedian."

He's shaking his head yes. Okay, um…

And that's fair. I get it. I get it. Because here's the thing, guys.

I've been doing this job for about 11 years now.

And, uh… A long time.

A lot of my stuff has ended up online out there.

And over lockdown, I decided to do this amazing thing

called "reading the comments."

-Uh… -

Very healthy.

Um, and while reading the comments, there were a lot of Bens, I gotta tell ya.

A lot of straight white men who were saying things like,

"Oh my God, this guy only talks about being gay."

"He only talks about being Asian."

"How am I supposed to relate to that?"

"And if I can't relate to that, how am I supposed to laugh?"

And I was like, "Oh no." That is not what I want at all.

Like, I want to be a comedian that appeals to all demographics,

especially the most important one, you know?

I was upset. I was upset.

I needed to do something. That's where you come in, Ben.

So this is what's happening.

You have now been plucked from obscurity.

You are on the world stage now.

You are now representing

every single straight white man in America, okay?

- -Yes.

All right.

Why are we clapping for that, okay?

This is feeling like a Trump rally all of a sudden, okay?

Now, Ben. Now, Ben.

What I'm gonna ask from you now, so I have…

so I can make sure that my jokes are hitting with you and your people,

is on the count of three,

I'm just gonna ask you to give me your most natural laugh, okay?

Everybody else, shut up!

Okay.

One, two, three.

- -

Ben, come on. Come on.

Ben, give me a real… Give… Laugh like I'm Louis, okay? Come on.

Like, give me something real here, all right?

You got one more shot. One, two, three.

Well, I guess I'll listen for a white man in pain, um,

for the rest of the show, and that's how it's gonna go.

But you are important. We'll be checking back in

periodically throughout the night. I need to hear your thoughts, okay?

Now, there were people in the second group who had never heard of me.

And for those people, I do wanna back up and give you context for who I am.

First off, um, I… I was adopted.