Brickleberry

- Now, kids, in honor of veterans day,

We've got a very special guest speaker.

A real, live war hero:

Woody johnson.

- Hi, kids, she's right. I am a war hero.

My dad's a fireman.

- Your dad is a pussy. - Aw.

- While your fathers were all smoking doobies

And washing out their vaginas,

I was in the shit fighting for your freedom...

When I wasn't giving iraqi whores my veiny hussein-y.

- Can you skip to the part where you got your medal?

- I'm getting to that, bitch.

I was in an elite special ops unit called the red skulls.

One day when we were on patrol,

A fellow soldier, private jackubowski,

Got wounded.

I saved his life.

I dragged that half-dead bastard over three miles

Of war-torn desert.

It was a truly brave act.

- How did the soldier get hurt?

- What are you, the hague?

It was a long time ago.

Like I can remember all the details.

Now we are blood brothers for life.

We'll always have each others' backs.

Both: Red skulls! Respect and protect!

- Oh, there you go. - Aah!

- Steve, you're a funny mother .

- You'd have to be high to laugh at that.

- I'm always high, huh? That's messed up.

it's 4:20!

- All right, rangers. -

I told you he was funny.

- Steve, let me help you up. - Aah!

Bad news, rangers.

You won't be receiving christmas bonuses this year.

- Oh, man. - What?

I never get one anyway.

- Well, that's because you're a lesbian, connie! Jeez!

- What about the rest of us? We were counting on that money.

- Well, I had to use the money to renovate the park.

- By park, he means our cabin.

This is ridiculous.

You and malloy already live in a mansion

While we're stuck in run-down shacks.

Silence, peasant.

- I'm the boss and I have to make hard decisions,

Like deciding if I wanted cherry or mahogany floors

In the new wing of my cabin. Suck it!

- You see, woody and I are upper class.

We can't survive without nice things,

Like this jacket made of real bear fur.

- Look, I don't have a heart of stone.

- I'm even having a housewarming party

To celebrate our renovations, and I want you all there.

what a dick.

- Here's to our cabin's new addition:

The christmas bonus room.

To the one percent.

- This party is a bunch of bullshit.

- Yeah, did woody really have to spring for indoor snow?

- Snow is for poor people. That's cocaine.

Hello, frosty the blow man.

Ooh!

Eight ball fight!

- all right!

- Woody, your war buddies are here.

- Hey! It's hoppy, gimpy, and lefty.

Isn't it funny how you guys got injuries

That matched your nicknames?

- You know, it's odd how you were the only red skull

Who made it out without a single injury.

- Well, I guess heroes aren't just braver

Than normal people, they're also luckier.

Don't forget, I saved jackubowski.

To jackubowski.

All: Red skulls! Respect and protect!

- Ooh. Do you jerk off with that thing?

I'll bet it's like getting a hand job from a velociraptor.

- Those pigs. They don't have class.

They don't even know what class is.

Ooh, trash vodka.

Do you work here?

- Unfortunately, I didn't finish college, so yes.

- I need to see head ranger woody johnson at once.

Why?

- Because I'm the new secretary of the interior.

I'm your boss' boss.

- Oh, I'd hate to get him into trouble.

I haven't made a coke angel

Since I was a kid. -

Man, jorge said he was sending over some ugly whores,

And he wasn't joking.

At least you look like you can take a punch.

Well, let's get this over with before the coke dick sets in

And makes it awkward for both of us.

- Hey, woody, where should I put these ugly whores?

- Wait, if you're not one of jorge's homely hookers,

Who the hell are you?

She's your boss,

The new secretary of the interior.

Suck it.

- Care to explain what's going on here, mr. Johnson?

- Uh, this is all a party in your honor.

Surprise! Key bump?

- Let's talk about something important.

Put that coffee down.

Do you think I'm with you?

I am not with you.

You call yourself a ranger, you son of a bitch?

I peed.

- You are the sorriest excuse for rangers I've ever seen,

And I've been in this business for 15 years.

- What's your name? - you.

That's my name.

Is that korean?

- Brickleberry is the worst park in the country.

auschwitz would get a better yelp review.

I'm here to turn this dump around,

And I'm not leaving until I do.

There are going to be changes.

Number one: Drug tests.

- It's been a pleasure working here.

I'm gonna miss all of y'all. Bye-bye.

- That brings us to woody johnson.

You couldn't manage a blow job in a dick factory.

- Dick factory? Is that where they make dicks,

Or is it a factory made out of dicks?

Shut up, you idiot!

I should fire your fat ass.

- No! Please give me another chance.

I know this park sucks,

But I'll have a plan to fix everything

First thing in the morning.

- All right, johnson, but it better be good

Or there'll be hell to pay.

Bye, you.

You can't quit. This park is your home.

All you have to do is go without weed for a couple of days.

- I've never gone without weed for two hours,

Much less two days.

- Well, I'm not losing my best friend.

You can stop, and I'll help you.

I do like working here.

You really think you could help me quit?

How bad can it be?

It's not like you're gonna have withdrawals.

See the baby? See the baby!

Come on, steve, just give me one puff.

I'll suck your .

- You can suck my all you want,

But you're not getting any weed.

- I need a plan to fix the park.

Plan to fix the park. That's it!

Where the hell are them loompa oompas?

Goddamn it! Forgot to feed them.

Aah!

- What are you screaming about?

- I can't come up with a plan to fix this park.

Oh, that secretary is going to fire me tomorrow.

- Uh, you're in the ranger union.

She can't fire you.

- She can't? - No.

If you want her respect, be a man.

March in there tomorrow and show her who's boss.

- Yeah. Good idea, malloy.

- Hey, where did frosty the blow man go?

- Oh, uh, he had to go back to the north pole

And help santa, little buddy.

- You snorted him, didn't you?

- Yeah, snorted him. Hat and all.

- Who re-painted the trim on the ranger station?

Good morning, everyone.

- Denzel, what are you doing at work before lunch?

- Denzel is clean and sober for the first time ever.

I'm proud of him.

- I've accomplished so much this morning.

Now I'm going to write a letter to adult swim.

It abruptly stopped being funny last night.

It just turned into nonsense.

- All right, johnson, let's hear this plan.

Yes, ma'am.

All right, this is you.

I'm a hateful bitch

With a dried-up snatch.

What's that in the sky?

Oh no, it's woody's asshole!

It's covering me in shit, but I love it,

Because I'm such a nasty poop-eating slut.

It's in my mouth!

Yum, yum, yummy!

and there's my plan.

What do you think?

- How dare you, johnson? I'm gonna--