South Park

mom, dad, what's muff cabbage?

muff cabbage?

where did you hear that?

muff cabbage.

the new neighbors that moved in next to stan's house.

me and ike saw the mom get a parking ticket,

and she called the parking cop muff cabbage.

muff cabbage!

a new family moved in? where are they from?

she said they're from new jersey.

new jersey?

a family from new jersey moved in next to the marshes?

yeah. stan said they're having them over for dinner tonight.

oh, god.

poor sharon. doesn't she know?

know what, ma?

muff cabbage!

never invite a new jersey housewife into your home.

and so then i met the school principal.

what's her name? principal victoria!

what a stupid bitch!

i mean, excuse my language,

but that bitch needs her fucking head examined!

yeah, so my family and i moved

from jersey to south park about a week ago.

so far, i can tell that everyone here really likes me.

oh, and i met, that stotch woman, what's her name?

oh, linda, uh-huh.

have you noticed how yellow that bitch's teeth are?

you can tell that woman is a piece of gahbage!

she's gahbage!

i went into the mall here and i just about dropped dead.

the only panties you can buy

makes you look like you got a grandma muff!

so, randy, what gym's are good around here?

where do you work out?

oh, i don't really work out.

well, i gotta find somethin'.

my biceps are goin' flat!

where can you get good clothes in this town?

nowhere.

i mean, that's why you're stuck

wearing gahbage like that, right?

and the woman that works the hair salon, julia,

have you seen how big that bitch's ears are?

oh, julia's a friend of mine, yeah.

ears out to here.

so i tell her, "you got big ears, sweetie."

i'm not trying to be mean. it's just a jersey thing!

why be offended? i mean, you've got a big chin!

we've all got imperfections!

right, just like your eyes are kind of far apart.

that was totally uncalled for, for what she did.

my eyes are too far apart?

and like, who is she? is she god? no.

you don't ever, ever...

you whack job prostitution whore!

you'd probably sell your muff for $6.00!

you fucking psycho bitch!

fuck you! you're nothing but gahbage!

that's what you are. you're gahbage!

you're sick, old woman muff gahbage!

muff gahbage! fuck this psycho bitch!

wow!

let's get the fuck outta here!

she's a fucking pig!

she's fucking pissing me off!

- okay, i love you. - take it easy.

i love you. i thought i was gonna deck her.

i was fine, i was really fine.

i just wanted to get my point across to her,

and then that's how i am.

like i could be mad one minute, and then i'll be fine.

okay, all better. just had to get that out.

it's just... it's a jersey thing!

so who wants dessert? meeee!

you guys do not understand,

having neighbors from jersey is the worst.

all night long, they keep me awake.

they're either screaming at each other

or making some disgusting sex sounds.

it seems like all people from jersey do

is hump and punch each other.

you know what you do when you want a family to move away?

every night, you go and take a crap on their doorstep.

is that why there's crap on my doorstep every morning?

oops! busted!

they talk way too loud, they flip out for no reason,

and every time they act like selfish assholes,

they just go, "oh, it's a jersey thing, it's a jersey thing."

hey! you talkin' about jersey?

me and my friends are from jersey!

oh, crap. there's more of them?

hey, come on!

there's people from jersey all over!

who here is from jersey?

so i'm standing there,

and i'm like, who's from jersey?

and people are all like, "yo! whoo-hoo!"

next thing you know? jersey party at sizzler.

yeah, let's get this party started!

where the hell are they coming from?

danielle is being a stupid bitch!

shut up, theresa.

you're pathetic.

i'm pathetic? you're muff gahbage!

oh, sharon! hi, sweetie!

you gotta meet our new neighbors!

this is jacqueline. she's from jersey.

and sicilian.

that's danielle.

she's from jersey.

and that's caroline.

i'm having my face shaved.

it's a jersey thing.

i'm sorry, but i have other clients in ten minutes.

can you sit down?

when the salon girl told theresa to sit down,

i thought theresa was gonna bust a tit.

don't you fucking tell me what to do!

i'm a client here!

theresa! calm down!

i don't have to take your shit.

i'm from jersey!

- get her, sharon! - what?

sharon, just stay out of it.

be the bigger person, sharon.

- you people are crazy. - who's crazy?

are you talkin' about my family?

is my family crazy? -

don't you pull my friend's hair, you bitch!

let go of her, you piece of trash.

who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?

all you trashy whores,

get the fuck out of here and leave her alone!

psycho bitch!

no, you're a psycho bitch!

psycho bitch! psycho bitch!

you wanna see fucking crazy?

you better just step the fuck away,

you wanna see fucking crazy!

you're cabbage!

sheila?

people of south park, we have all noticed

a steep rise in everything jersey lately.

as many of you already know,

everything east of the rockies is now part of new jersey.

the jersey shore now includes jacksonville, miami,

the gulf of jersey, mexico, and the jersey islands.

jesus! why are they doing this?

more people from jersey are showing up in our town.

if we don't do something,

south park is going to become west jersey.

well, that does it!

let's go tell everyone from jersey

we don't want them here!

- yeah! - that won't work!

you can't just tell people from jersey you don't like them.

no matter how obnoxious they are,

they will convince themselves

that you all actually think they're cool.

how do you know that, mrs. broflovski?

that's when i knew i had to tell everyone the truth.

that originally, i'm from jersey.

yes, born and raised.

i wasn't even called sheila back then.

in jersey, i was known as s-woww tittybang.

i drank heavily and punched a lot of bitches in the face.

living in south park,

i'm able to control the jersey side of me,

which doesn't really come out

unless i get around other people from jersey.

i'm just really hoping that people here

don't judge me for it.

or somehow, you know, hold it against me.

sheila, who are you talking to?

you wouldn't understand. it's a jersey thing.

you ain't gettin' by that way, kenny.

hey, dudes.

oh! well, well, well.

look what the cat threw up in the litter box.

come on, guys, we don't want to be seen hanging around him.

what are you talking about?

dude, we heard the news.

your mom is from jersey!

so what?

so what? that makes you from jersey!

no, it doesn't!

he's from jersey, you guys.

let's just get away from him.

i'm not from jersey. i was born here!

don't try and deny it.

you're one of them, dude,

and by my accounts, that's strike three!

what's strike three?

you're a ginger, a jew, and from jersey.

three strikes, kyle! you're out!

shut the fuck up!

what?

did you know your mom was from jersey?