Bill Maher: Live From Oklahoma

Hey, everybody How are you doing?

Thank you

Oh, thank you very much

Oh, thank you

Thank you, folks, wow

Thank you very much

Oh, that is a wonderful greeting I appreciate that

- "Bill!" - I know

I know, you're on TV

Okay, but listen, I want you to know, I'm here on purpose

No, no Also, I want you to know

we announced we're doing this show only three weeks ago

here in Oklahoma

Since then, Scott Pruitt got canned

And...

And medical marijuana got legalized, so...

What can I say?

I do what I can ladies and gentlemen

But yes, medical marijuana here in Oklahoma

and your governor, Mary Fallin

said it would open the door to recreational use

Yes, yes, Mary, it will

We're counting on that, but...

But, I mean, I wanted to come I... I love the red states

I really do

I wanted to come here because first of all...

and I mean this in the best possible way

I miss normal so much

I miss sensible

middle-of-the-country liberals so much

I would give anything for a boring president

For a president who bored by balls off every day

I wake up every day...

I look at the phone through one eye like...

"What did the mental patient do today?"

I feel like I'm binge watching the worst television show in history

People come up to me They'll...

"Did you see what he did today?"

I'm like

"Please, I'm still on the episode where he fucked a porn star"

I... it's just why I always try to impress so much

on the younger people

How different this...

Where are my millennials by the way?

Wow

Always in the back because they have no money

You see? You see? No, I'm just...

I'm fucking with you I love you

Because these are the good millennials

because they...

Because they came to see me

and they must know this is not a safe space

Not that every... everyone here is welcome

Trump people are here amongst us

and they are welcome I mean that, I mean that

This is a country not an apartment

We can't divide it down the middle

We have to learn to live together

so you truly are welcome

And it has been impressed upon me

that it doesn't help to call your political adversaries dumb

So I'm not going to do that

But "easily conned" Can we say that?

Not exactly "detail people" I mean, like, take so...

Take something like the Affordable Care Act

Okay...

Polls tell us that Trump people hate Obamacare

but they like the Affordable Care Act

And what did Trump tell them about health care?

"I'm going to give you way better way cheaper"

"and cover everybody"

"You're going to want to get sick just to use this healthcare plan"

So "way better, way cheaper and cover everybody"

and you bought that?

See what I mean about a con man?

And I knew this was happening on the first day

when he... remember when he saw multitudes that did not exist?

Remember? At the inauguration?

I mean, you know what? It was bad enough...

when Republicans didn't believe in climate change, but counting?

Counting... counting is settled science

I'm not going to budge on that

But this is... this is what happens when you elect, right

a malignant narcissist as President

He cannot imagine a reality that doesn't match his perceptions

That was the most people he ever saw in one place

so it...

It must be the most people who ever gathered anywhere

That is why he thinks he has a big dick

It's... it's the biggest one he has

Although honestly, doesn't everything about this man

just scream "microdick?"

You know, the bragging and the "buildings with my name on it"

and... at the debates

Yes, he was talking about his dick at the debates

That guy is President Remember that?

"There is no problem I guarantee there is no problem"

I think there is a problem

I think there is a very big problem I think that is the whole problem

I think this is a man

who has never once brought a woman to orgasm

if he even believes such a thing exists, I...

"It's rigged... It's rigged"

"The vagina has been very unfair to me"

"Very unfair, and I say that very strongly"

"Very strongly"

I'm going to have a heart attack from this...

And you know, I talk to Trump people all the time

and you know, they're not blind to his myriad flaws

They... but you aske them

"Well, what do you like about the guy?"

They always say the same thing "He's strong, Alpha, real man"

What? Who are you looking at?

He's always blaming everybody else, complaining

Oh, and never takes responsibility

"I inherited a mess"

You inherited millions of dollars, you whiny little bitch!

Thank you

Thank you, I'll be doing all my greatest hits tonight

I mean even when he goes to a disaster zone

Remember that? It's all about him

The floods, remember the hurricanes?

And, "We're getting very high marks"

"Everyone floating by says we're doing a fantastic job, very..."

What... what... what president ever needed to have these...

you know, emergency flattery meetings?

Have you seen this shit?

Where they call the Cabinet together

so that they can go around the room?

"You shine with the light of 1000 suns, my sire"

"And now the secretary of labor would like to say a few..."

There was a congresswoman from Tennessee

who made a speech in front of Trump

She said...

"Mr. President, thank you for letting us have you as our president"

"Letting us have you?"

Jesus, don't get any in your hair

"Letting us have you?"

You know, I... I guess we forgot

that the president is supposed to lift us up, right?

Not the other way around

But we are in the other way around

Who has rallies after the election is over?

Only this psychopath because you know, he gets blue

He sees something on TV he doesn't like

so the staff is like, "Oh! Get me 9000 drooling idiots"

"in an airplane hanger in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, stat"

"so he can...have one of his rallies"

You see, he did one the other day

You know, you know, he lies a lot anyway, but...

These things... first of all he takes great pride

in the fact that he does not use a teleprompter

Doesn't want to insult his base by reading

But the shit that comes out of his mouth at these rallies?

I mean, fact-checkers are carried out on stretchers

ladies and gentlemen

It's...

Just... I'm not going to make it to the end of the show

talking about this asshole

And people are always they are trying to calm me down

My friends are like "Oh, come on, Bill"

"You're exaggerating"

"We have had presidents who didn't know much"

Yes, well, we have had that

We have had presidents who didn't know...

Bush didn't know much

Reagan, the last year, thought the coatrack was Barbara Stanwyck

Kids, use your... Googles to find out who Barbara Stanwyck is

It's... and look up "coatrack" while you're in there

because that is probably not a thing anymore either

but... but okay

So we have had dumbass presidents

but we never had one like this

who was so, you know aggressively stupid, right?

You know, takes pride

that you cannot get information into his head

We don't know how, actually he gets information

although it's entirely possible

Sean Hannity blows it directly up his ass

But really, he takes pride

that no matter how many times you tell him things

he will insist, like, the Stealth Bomber is literally invisible

or there is such a thing as clean coal

or you know, global warming is a hoax

because it snows in the winter

It's like saying the sun isn't real because last night, it got dark

Remember Him Inhofe with the snowball?

Yes, oh... oh you got some real beauty here

Let me tell you, I...

I don't know how you put up with it

but there are some real asshole politicians in this state

Wow, down the line

And you know, the saddest thing about Trump

he doesn't want to change

He has said it many times "I could be presidential"

Yes, you could... not

At his first press conference I'll never forget it

He said, "I am me"

"I am me" Thanks, Tarzan "I am me"

Even Melania was like, "Your English not too good, daddy"