In Treatment

Nice cap.

In Treatment, S02E22 April: Week Five

Those stairs were so hard for me.

This keeps happening, you're gonna have to start giving me therapy at chemo.

Two birds with one stone.

You know what I like best about you?

What? My morbid sense of humor?

Your eyes.

I remember the first time I came here, and

as I was leaving I looked at you,

and you looked at me and, and I lost my breath for a moment.

It's a compliment.

I know.

Don't worry. I'm not gonna jump you.

I, I'm in chemo. I can barely keep my food down.

You know, they, they have drugs they can give you

- that can counteract the nausea. - You're not even my type.

But your eyes are...

bottomless.

- I'm just saying. - Okay.

Are you okay?

I just, I forget I can't do that anymore

because of the thing I have there now.

Does the port hurt all the time?

Only if I move a certain way.

I can't remember them cutting me open.

I didn't faint or anything, did I?

No.

Do you remember them putting it in?

Did you watch it happen?

N--, no. Not... not all of it.

'Cause you didn't wanna see my breasts?

Trust me, there's nothing really to see.

But thank you for not -- looking.

And thank you for taking me.

You're welcome.

You know, it's funny, I've had so many conversations with you in my head

over these last two weeks.

I mean... literally every day, we've talked for, like, hours at a time.

We've had whole arguments in my head and then, and then we've made up.

And what... what have we argued about?

Whether life is just bullshit or there's something deeper behind it.

And what do I say?

Well, you don't say much, even in my head, which I find frustrating.

But when I asked you

if it was all worth it, you said,

"Of course it is, April...

if you make yourself and others happy."

What?

I'm such an optimist... in, in your head.

- You wouldn't have said that? - What you're essentially doing

is giving yourself advice in the form of... my voice.

I know.

And, uh, very sound advice it is.

You're taking very good care of yourself.

Once I asked you not to give up on me.

And -- what did I say?

You said, "Never.

I -- just wanna haze you for a while."

What do you think I meant by that?

You're testing me.

And how do you pass?

I live.

Do you get extra points for telling your parents?

Isn't it amazing how many people have cancer?

And just like -- having conversations, doing sudoku.

Did you see those two girls in the corner on the computer?

They were shopping online...

for underwear.

We have catheters coming out of our fucking hearts

and they're buying new bras.

You know, sometimes a little denial is not a bad thing...

but don't tell anybody I said that.

I'm sorry I've been such an asshole in here.

I told you: no apologies.

I, I mean, I didn't answer your calls.

I, I made you let me talk to Sienna during a session.

I smashed my fricking model in your office and I left it for you to clean up.

I must be the worst patient you've ever had.

Oooh no, you're not.

Thank you... for taking me.

And thank you for... for going.

No, really. Thank you.

I heard that.

I had a bad night last week...

just a few days after the chemo.

- I wanted to call you, but -- - Why didn't you call me?

You canceled our session. I thought you needed a break.

- April, that was nothing to do with you. - It doesn't matter.

I, I called my best friend Leah instead.

Leah.

I -- I haven't heard you mention her name before.

What did you say to her?

Well, I...

I had woken up from this dream,

where I was already dead... or...

No, not exactly. It was more like I knew

that I was about to die, like something was coming to kill me.

It, it was horrible. But...

I also -- kind of wanted it to happen,

just to get it over with.

There's, there's another way of looking at that dream.

Maybe it's, maybe it's just the part of you that refuses help --

I don't wanna talk about what the dream means.

I was just, you know, setting the stage.

Understood.

Anyway, I woke up

with this really high fever,

like so, so high I was shaking. I couldn't even hold a glass of water.

And I totally freaked.

I mean, I really, I really thought it was all about to end.

That's why I called Leah.

She came right over.

And -- she took one look at me and called 911.

On the way there the, um, the ambulance guys were asking me if I was on any medication

that they should know about, and I said,

"Well... chemo."

So, was Leah in, in the ambulance with you?

And her mouth just...

sort of hit the floor. And...

I was so out of it, I just started apologizing, I...

You know, "I'm, I'm sorry. I wouldn't have called, but...

I'm dying," and...

She took my hand and...

she said, "April... you don't die this quickly."

She sounds like a true friend.

She really is.

Yet you hadn't told her about the cancer till then.

I haven't seen her for a while.

She's -- in law school, so she's been really busy.

Have you known each other for long?

We, uh... we shared a bus stop with a bunch of other kids.

When I was ten, Daniel came to school with me for the first time.

He, he was trying kindergarten.

I mean, I was so, I was so afraid that everybody was gonna make fun of him.

And that first day, I turned around,

for just a second, and when I turned back around, uh,

Daniel was standing there, singing...

and holding his penis.

And I wanted to die, right there.

I mean, everybody was staring at him, and, and...

nobody said anything...

until -- until Leah said, "Daniel...

you can sing or you can hold your penis,

but you cannot sing and hold your penis."

Everybody started laughing and, um...

and then all the guys started singing and holding their own dicks.

It was amazing.

So, she's always looked out for you?

We've looked out for each other.

Her mom died when we were in high school,

so she came to live with us for a while.

She's, um... she's really more like a sister than a friend.

You know, her -- reaction when...

when you called her reminded me of...

how Kyle reacted when you, when you called him,

when you were having trouble with the model, remember?

You said that he also "came right over".

Yeah. So?

So it seems like the people in your life are very committed to you.

I have good taste in people.

I think it's more than that.

I think that you -- demand...

incredible loyalty.

So, the only people you allow to get close to you

are the people you feel that can, can measure up,

people you feel that can really go the distance.

I'm incredibly loyal to them as well.

Yes, I know that.

So, why are you making it sound like a, it's a bad thing?

I guess I just wonder why you work so hard to make friends who are...

so fiercely devoted to you, and then...

when you need help, you seem reluctant to rely upon them.

I called Leah.

Yeah, that's true,