Malcolm in the Middle

Leaving so soon, cadet? Sir, by statute 614 of the Alabama Legal Code I am officially emancipated

and considered an adult. An adult who no longer chooses to attend Marlin Academy.

I have copies of the documents if you want to see them again. Oh, no need!

I'm sure everything was done on the up and up.

But let me tell you something, cadet.

In all my years at this academy

I have never had a student who was more bull headed,

more committed to avoid learning at all costs.

A cadet who's constant byword was insubordination.

Thank you, cadet. What?

Before you came to this academy I was bored, uninspired,...

..and this close to retiring.

But your insolence and stupidity have been the irritating grain

of sand around which has formed the pearl of my renaissance.

I like me again. Cadet!

As a thanks I want you to have...

..this.

Normally these are reserved for cadets who have distinguished themselves or whose parents

have donated a building but you've left your mark here in your own way. So, what the heck!

Wow! Sir,... this is great.

Farewell, cadet. Thank you so much.

Careful that's razor...

# Yes, no, maybe

# I don't know

# Can you repeat the question?

# You're not the boss of me now

# And you're not so big

# You're not the boss of me now

# And you're not so big

# Life is unfair #

Normally I dread the first day of school. Mum's been on such a rampage about Francis it's a relief be here.

Thank God...

..summer's... over.

Hello, babies. How's baby school, babies? Didn't high school start a half hour ago?

If I'm on time they'll expect it every day.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hi, Reese. This is Gus. He's in the lead to replace you as school bully.

He gives a wedgie that'll knock your socks off. I'm not just saying that cos he's got me in a head lock.

Grab your wrist and stave your fingers. You'll get better leverage. You listen to him. He's the man.

I've completed the research on our new teacher if anyone's interested.

Lionel Herkabe.

Born July 8th, 1963. Parents, John and Ida. Notice anything?

He was a Krelboyne. We won't have to talk down to him.

Finally, someone who knows our pain.

Bentley. Gifted High. Princeton. Harvard Business. Why's he teaching?

One time net worth 200 million.

Now 137 dollars.

Here he comes! Here he comes!

Who's Dabney? Me, sir. I took the liberty of ordering you a decaf soy latte.

Let me guess. Emotionally needy. Closet bed-wetter.

You get no affection at home so you'll be seeking it from me. Look elsewhere, son.

Who's the anal-retentive outsider...

..with repressed matricidal tendencies?

Yo, sir! Me, sir! Please, stop.

As you may or may not know I was once one of you, a Krelboyne.

And I'm sure I would have made the same lame attempt to ingratiate

myself to the new soft-headed thick-wit teaching my class.

I've been there. I've been coddled and preened. "Oh, you're a genius."

"You can do anything you set your mind to. It must be easy being you."

Well, bull!

All that gets you is an ex-wife and 14 million dollars in debt.

I won't let you fall into the trap society has set for you.

Playtime is over, children! You've had a free ride so far.

It's time somebody challenged you, tested your mental limits!

I don't have a teaching certificate from a two-year community college like most of the people I said hello

to this morning in the teachers lounge but I'll muddle through with my double doctorate from Harvard.

This is a test! Correct. You have 20 minutes.

There are six essay questions. I'm sorry, I thought this was the gifted class. Begin!

Thanks for the ride. Are you sure about this Alaska thing? Absolutely.

I heard Alaska's a hole. Are you kidding? Cruise ships go there!

For six weeks in the summer. Isn't it dark the rest of the year?

I don't have to justify myself to you or anyone. That's why I got emancipated, OK?

OK. Good luck with your parents.

Well, they had a week to think about it. Let's see how they take it.

You...! You...!

You ungrateful son of a...

This wasn't meant to hurt you!

All I'm saying is you can get your diploma first then do what you want.

It's all about maximising your options. Take in the long view. Sorry about the closer.

Nonsense. I wouldn't have taught you if I didn't want you to use it. What do I always say?

The nards are fair game. The nards are fair game!

Sometimes you're presented with an opportunity you can't pass up. Understand?

I'm not the one to worry about. I know. I wanna get this straight with mom. That's why I came here.

OK, then. Honey!

Your son has something to say to you.

Huh! I didn't know the Henderson's painted their house.

I have your test results. You all got A's.

But, since this is the gifted class, I also factored in...

..cogency of argument, economy of language and penmanship, which enabled me to do this.

What is that? A ranking board. I thought you said we all got A's.

Oh, you did. But some of you got better A's than others.

But we all still have A's? Of course.

So, er, what does being number one get you? Nothing!

Just the knowledge that you are number one.

Or that you are not number one.

Yes, number five? It's Dabney, sir.

I know. What is it number five? I forgot.

What... a jerk. Is that what we're gonna turn out like?

If I ever start acting like that you have to promise to kill me.

No! No more death pacts. Don't worry about it.

The only way that stupid board can have an effect on us is if we let it. Those numbers mean nothing.

What are... you doing?

Nothing! You were studying?

No, I wasn't. My book just fell open at this page.

You know... I'm really not hungry.

I think I left my recess stuff in my locker.

My God! High school is awesome! They have an entire room for detention.

They put you in with juniors and seniors. Some of them have records.

It's really inspiring.

What are you looking at? Francis.

He's still out there? Yeah, he's eating out of the bird-feeder.

Who's shoes are these? Who left their shoes in the living-room?

They're mine. Sorry. You're right, you're sorry! Leaving your shoes around like you don't care!

I hope you like walking to school in your socks! I said sorry.

I've heard sorry before! I don't think so.

OK. I tell you what we're gonna do.

From now on when you wanna wear shoes you check them out.

Sign them in. Sign them out. Just like a library.

Clean up those toys!

Oh! Oh, thanks.

It's freezing. It's good to see you. I've missed you.

Ow! What's that for?! Emancipation? What, you're divorcing the family now?

How could you do this to mom? She left me no choice.

Ow! We've done a lot of bad things to mom but we've never abandoned her.

I'm not abandoning her! I'm just going to Alaska! That's 5,000 miles away!

It is not... 5,000 miles? Are you serious? Oh, my God! It's gonna take me forever to get up there!

Then, don't go. Guys, I'm not doing this to hurt anybody, I just...

I really think this is my best chance to make something of myself.

Tell it to mom. I can't. She won't talk to me. She's being so immature.