Young & Hungry

I am so depressed.

I never want to go to the farmer's market again.

We don't even deserve this kale.

I wanna kale myself.

Why did we have to run into Lizette?

Lizette. - Lizette?

How does "Thin-lipped" Lizette from high school

have a lip-balm empire?

Remember when people used to call her "Lizard lips"?

Yeah. Wow, we were so mean.

Yeah, for someone so busy,

she certainly had plenty of time to brag about herself.

I can't believe we're 23 and already washed up.

Right? What happened to our dreams?

You were gonna be the next Julia Child

with your own restaurant and cookbook and TV show.

You were gonna have an empire.

Yeah, I don't have that.

And I don't have a corner office on Wall Street

with a hot assistant who's secretly in love with me.

This is a wake-up call. - Yes it is.

We got to start networking. - Yes we do.

We've got to start emailing

all the successful people we know

to help us get to the next level.

Yes, I'm doing that right now.

Okay.

Wow, I don't know any successful people.

Ooh, do you remember Logan Rawlings?

The lesbian magazine editor

you fake-dated to help Josh. - Yeah!

She's totally successful

and could totally help me get to the next level.

What is the next level?

You know all those food articles you read about?

You're like, "I could've written that,"

but you never write anything?

Yeah, I'm really good at that.

Well, why don't you write a food article for her magazine?

That is a great idea, Sofia.

You are the smartest loser I know.

Morning, guys.

How's it going, buddy?

Are you okay? Do you need a hug?

Look, I know it's been a rough few weeks

with my wedding being called off

and Gabi getting back with Cooper, but I'm over it.

I'm fine.

Sure you are.

Such a trooper. - Yeah.

Hey, stop it. I'm serious.

I've moved on.

If you guys want your paychecks, you will too.

Wow, look how fit you are.

Must be all that moving on you're doing.

Hey, guys, guess what?

You're moving to China. So sad. Bye!

No.

I decided I needed to take my career to the next level,

So I called Logan Rawlings--

Remember? The lesbian that Elliot pimped me out to?

That was funny.

Well, she called me back and she wants to hear my ideas

on a food article written by me.

Gabi, that's great. I feel nothing...

but happiness...

for you.

Oh, that's Cooper.

Hi, sweetcakes. I have the best news.

See? She's talking to Cooper

and I'm fine.

No, my news isn't that I miss you.

That wouldn't be news. I miss you all the time,

my super Cooper bear.

See, I'm--

Not fine. I will be in my office

with my noise-canceling headphones.

My check's wrong.

Josh overpaid me.

Like way overpaid me.

Well, he way underpaid me.

Oh wait.

This is your check.

You make more money than me?

You're his housekeeper. I'm his publicist!

So? I've been with Josh for a long time.

Exactly.

Shouldn't he realize how worthless you are?

Oh, stop it.

All you got to do is walk in there and ask for a raise.

I do it every other month.

I could never do that.

Why not?

Look, I know I come off

as this confident self-assured renaissance man...

To who?

But, when I was a kid,

the one time I asked for a bigger allowance,

my dad went crazy.

I made 50 cents a week till I was 18.

By the time I saved up enough money to go to a Wham! Concert,

they broke up!

Miss Gabi Diamond.

Hey, Logan, thank you so much for seeing me.

When I told my friends that I had a meeting

with the great Logan Rawlings-- - Don't.

Don't do that.

Don't do what?

Kiss my ass.

No, no, no, I wouldn't. I mean, I couldn't.

I mean-- you should talk now.

I want a totally unique and hip

take on the San Francisco food scene

that hasn't been done before.

Well, I have a ton of cool ideas.

And I have two minutes.

Are you stroking out? Go.

Okay, well, you know how everybody these days is eating pretzels?

No.

Well, they are. I was thinking

"30 new twists on pretzels."

Get it? Pretzel? Twist.

Here's a twist. I love it 0%.

Okay, well, I have a ton of other ideas.

"How to impress with a panini."

Get it? Panini? Impress?

You know what I'm gonna press?

This button. Rafael, please show Miss Diamond out.

No, no, no, listen, Logan.

I am a great chef.

I could sit here and toss out

a bunch of great foods to write about,

but I'm not gonna do that. - 30 seconds.

Blt's, tetrazzini,

fancy cheeses, nougat, hotcakes, lasagna--

Wait, did you just say... pot cakes? - No.

Maybe.

That's a fantastic idea. - Which is why I said it.

Pot edibles are so hot right now.

Yeah. Yeah they are.

Everybody's talking about it,

then forgetting what they're talking about.

Unfortunately, it ruins the way food tastes.

It's hard to cook with.

Trust me, no one has ever tasted pot in any of my food.

Okay, get me a killer 500-word piece

about cooking with pot in two days

and I'll run it in this month's issue.

Please, two days? I could have it for you in one.

Really? - No, I'm gonna need two.

Whoever said success doesn't happen overnight

has never spent the night with me.

Logan wants me to write an article for her magazine.

Oh my god. I got a meeting

with one of the managing partners to talk about a promotion.

That's amazing. Let's celebrate

by buying a big bag of marijuana.

Uh, what?

My article's about cooking with pot.

Pot? - Yeah.

Gabi. Seriously, you've never cooked with pot.

Yeah, I didn't know how to paint with socks either,

but our bathroom turned out great.

You know what? You're right. Look at us.

We push ourselves and the world opens up.

Speaking of pushers,

does dime-bag Dave still live downstairs?

No, he moved. To jail.

If you're gonna do it, at least do it honestly.

Fake an illness and get a cannabis card

like my nana did.

I don't know. I'm only good at lying to people I know.

I'm starting to get nervous and anxious about this.

That's perfect. Just tell the doctor

you need weed to calm your nerves.

Hey, that's a great idea.

Then I won't be lying.

But since I won't be lying, I won't be nervous.

So I will be lying.

But I also won't be.

Are you stoned already?

Are you sure this is gonna work? - Let me do the talking.

I know what I'm doing. I'm from the streets.

You grew up in a gated community.

Yeah, but was it keeping people out

or us in, chica?

Come on, Sofia. - Shh.

Never say your real name.

Call me Lil so-so.

Sup?

So my homegirl here jacked up her neck in a drive-by.

Actually, it was a drive-thru.

My kid's meal didn't come with a toy

and I was all "hell no--"

Could I see the doctor? - Sure.

He'll be with you in a moment. - OK.

Act like you're in pain. - What?

Okay, we'll start by checking your vitals.

Wow, you're a cashier and a doctor.

You're a double threat. - I'm also a notary public,