The Life & Times of Tim

What can brown do for me? Move your fucking truck!

Oh, what a weekend.

I mean a three-day cruise

and now we get to see your place in New York, honey.

I personally am excited to meet Tim the boyfriend.

Oh yes, the boyfriend.

- You guys. - My little girl.

- I hope you like him. - I'm sure we will, sweetie.

He sounds positively delightful.

Tim!

What? Oh, Amy. I thought you guys were coming in tonight.

- Who is she? - Who?

- This woman? - Yes.

Or that woman? That's your mother, I assume.

- No, who is she? - Oh, my name's Debbie.

- That's Debbie. - Yeah.

I'm sitting with Debbie.

And what is Debbie doing here?

- She's an electrician. - Oh.

That's what she does for a living.

- An electrician? - Yeah.

- So let's just-- - Are you a prostitute?

- Oh, no. - What's happening?

Now you've crossed the line.

I don't allow that kind of language in this home.

- What a mouth. - What do you do?

I am a self-employed person.

But occasionally

- I do give a $10 BJ. - Oh-ho!

- $10 BJ? - $10 BJ, what's that?

- What does that phrase mean? - I think I'm gonna be sick.

- You should know. - What does BJ stand for?

I can't believe you got a prostitute

while we're on a cruise.

Let's-- you know what? Let's change the subject.

- How was the cruise? - Uh, it was lovely.

- Thank you. - The shrimp was good.

- The shrimp was good? - Tim, we are not changing the subject.

Was it like a shrimp cocktail or--

- Just buffet. King size. - Buffet style. That's nice.

- That sounds like a nice cruise. - Tim!

- Yeah? - We are not changing the subject.

There is a prostitute sitting on our couch.

- Language. - You're still dwelling on that?

- Yes! - I'm sure Tim has a good explanation.

Let's just pay the woman and be done with it.

- Yes. - Miss, what does Timothy owe you?

Oh, Timothy here owes me $300.

- Good lord, for what? - That's too much.

That's just too much money.

Well, for house calls my rate is $50 flat.

- That's fair. - Then there's another $50

for a hurry-up-and-do-it-now rate.

Okay.

And then you asked for the back-door action.

- No no. - Back-door action?

- $200. - Tim, who are you?

Who am l? I'm not the back-door guy.

Yes, you are. You called and said,

"It's 9:00 a.m. Cock-a-doodle-doo.

Send someone over for some back-door action at Tim's place."

No, I did not say cock-a-doodle-doo.

Okay, you know what? We're not having this conversation.

My parents are here for one night.

- I want her gone. - All right, that's a good idea.

Why don't you guys go into the kitchen, start preparing dinner?

We'll settle up and we'll have a nice night.

Amy, I don't know if you noticed,

I vacuumed.

Wow, that was not a good first impression.

Is it because I mentioned the back-door action?

- That didn't help, I got to say. - Oh.

- I obviously called you by mistake... - No, you didn't.

...so if you could just leave. No hard feelings.

Okay, I won't have any hard feelings

when you cough up $300.

How about a free dinner? Free meatloaf?

Sugar, I don't want meatloaf. I want money.

I don't have it. I don't make that much.

Well, then I'm calling Maurice.

- Maurice? - Maurice. I'm calling him now.

- You're calling Maurice? - I'm calling Maurice.

- Unbelievable. - Quiet.

Just have Maurice send me an invoice.

- Oh, don't try that, honey. - Have Maurice--

- Okay. - Maurice!

Yes, this is Debbie.

I'm here with a young gentleman who owes me $300

and he wants to pay with meatloaf.

Explain to him how she's gonna prepare it.

Quiet, sugar. Is that okay?

All right.

Bye, sugar.

What did Maurice say? He's cool with that?

- Oh, Maurice is coming over. - Maurice is coming over?

Mind if I sit here for about 20 minutes?

You guys having fun? Enjoying yourselves?

It's meatloaf night.

- It is meatloaf night. - Tim, is she gone?

Uh, gone? No.

Debbie's not gone, and just a quick FYl,

Maurice is gonna join us. Should be fun.

Catch up with you guys in a bit.

This is not good. We only have four chairs.

We always only have four chairs, Tim.

I know. This is not good. Um...

Would it be awkward if Debbie sits on my lap?

- Um, yes it would. - That would be awkward?

- Yes, it would be really awkward. - Who else--

- can she sit on your dad's lap? - No!

We got no choice. Do you want her to sit on your lap?

Okay, you know what? Fine. Just sit down.

- Let's work with what we have. - Yeah, let's do it.

Mmm, two of my favorite things--

meatloaf and giving a lap dance.

- No no, stop doing that. - Up and down.

- This is not a lap dance. - Up and down.

Stop the up and down.

- Tim, this is not a lap dance. - I'm well aware.

- So, Timothy. - Yeah?

You're the head of the household here. Would you like to say grace?

- Grace? I would love to say grace. - Excellent.

- Say a little prayer to the Lord. - Oh, how nice.

Lord, thank You for the blessings

You have bestowed upon us.

We pray for health,

we pray for happiness,

and for the $300 I owe Maurice.

We really are hoping for that to come through.

IfYou could set that up.

And, uh, we pray for understanding.

- Mm-hmm. - As we all occasionally

request back-door action by accident

when we tried to call an electrician.

It happens. It simply happens.

And in Your name we pray. Amen.

Amen.

- That was a very interesting prayer. - Thank you.

All right, let's just do this.

Let's just have a nice dinner.

Whoops, there's Maurice.

That didn't last long.

- Hello? - You don't let me upstairs

I'm gonna take your head and shove it through your asshole.

Safe to assume that's Maurice?

That's unmistakably Maurice.

- That's classic Maurice. - I'm waiting down here.

- Maurice, I'm buzzing you in. - Who's Maurice?

Well, he says he works in financial retrieval,

but that just means he's a pimp.

- Okay, we're leaving. - You're leaving?

What do you mean you're leaving? How's Maurice gonna feel?

- Mom, Dad... - He just got here.

...Iet's just go out for a nice dinner

and then we'll get you back to your hotel.

This is crazy.

It was a pleasure meeting you, Timothy.

The pleasure was all mine.

If we never see each other again, son, good luck.

Never see each other again? What happened here?

You know, I think you made

a better impression than you think.

You think I made a good impression?

Mmm-hmm. See, if you ask me,

the fact that you vacuumed

cancels out the back-door action.

- I don't think it cancels it. - Well, maybe it--

- Whoops. - You got my money, bitch?

What kind of entrance is that?

I want cash in my hand.

- I don't have it. - What?

- I don't have the money. - Then we're gonna have to barter.

- Barter? - Let me see what I want in this place.

- No. - TV sucks.

- You can't have that. - Furniture sucks.

Man, I don't want any of this junk.

This place is beat, yo.

- You want some meatloaf? - What?

- I can give you half of the meatloaf. - Come on, man.

- You don't want it? - No.

You're not being reasonable. You're really--

You better shut your mouth right now, son, and find my $300.

- You understand? - All right. Um...

how about some clothes? I can give you this shirt.

Can you honestly picture me wearing a shirt like that?

I can. No offense,

your look is a little-- little expected.

What did you say?

I just said it's like a parody.

If this was a TV sitcom,

the pimp would look like you.

Maybe you got a point.

You know what? I think I do. Here, try my shirt on.

A'ight.

Oh, that is precious.

- That's working. - You know what?

I think this is a good look for me.

- That's a very good look. - Yeah.

You could be a pimp or a CPA.

- I look hard in this. - It's nice.