Brickleberry

Greetings, Shit for Brain,

Dances with Rhythm, Morning After,

and Gay Buffalo.

Big Chief Horse Dick come bearing big news.

15 years after being shut down,

we're finally reopening Camp Brickleberry,

and you're all gonna be camp counselors.

- Yes! - Yes!

Woody, this park is a dangerous place for children.

So is your uterus.

Jackubowski wants the camp reopened.

And it gives the park a chance

to make a buttload of money off some sucker parents.

So you sure as shit better show them a good time.

So we're supposed to chase these kids around

and do all this extra work? What do we get?

Well, the counselor whose tribe is voted the best

at the end of the week wins...

the legendary tribal shield.

Like anyone with a brain could be motivated

by a painted trash can lid.

- I'm winning this! - No, it's mine!

Hands off my painted trash can lid!

Settle down, morons! Put these on.

Woody, I, uh, didn't get a shirt.

There's no way I'm letting you be a counselor again.

You're the reason we had to close the camp

in the first place.

What happened?

I remember it like it happened 15 years ago.

- Steve? - Oh, sorry.

I thought you guys could see my brain movie.

Every summer the entire camp would compete against each other

in the mother of all camp competitions--

the Gauntlet.

- We're gonna lose. - I know a shortcut.

Are you sure about this?

This sign says "mine field."

Mine field, your field, I don't care whose field it is.

Get in there!

This is gonna make for a scary brain movie.

All right, counselors, look sharp.

Here comes that big, yellow bus.

That's Connie.

I'm so excited to be a counselor again.

Beat it, Steve.

I told you you're not allowed to be a counselor.

Dachau killed less campers than you.

It'll be different this time.

I promise to be the world's best counselor.

Look at my shirt.

"Free assgasms"?

Whoops. Have it on backwards.

That's not all you have on backwards.

Come on, Woody. Let me redeem myself.

I promise this time I'll be the world's best counselor,

which means no kid will get hurt on my watch.

But if you need some convincing...

Oh, shut the up, Steve.

So what kind of camp is this?

Every kind!

Fat camp, handicap camp,

rich-kid camp, and inner-city-delinquents camp.

I sent a different brochure to every demographic.

"Come to fat camp, or you'll end up like this."

Hey! I'm on a brochure.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

The Gauntlet? You're not letting the kids

do that horrible event again, are you?

Hell, no, Steve. Too dangerous.

The Gauntlet is retired forever.

I just put it on the brochure to get them little shits here.

Whoa-- Welcome to Brickleberry,

where your child's summer won't be a bummer.

I have to say, it looks much different than the pictures.

Don't you worry.

This is gonna be the best summer of your kid's life.

I know it will because of the money-back guarantee

you put on the brochures.

God damn it, I forgot I put that on there.

I got to stop getting coked up at Kinko's.

How, campers. I'm big Chief Woody.

Who's ready to have the best summer ever

and compete for the legendary tribal shield?

[laughing and grunting wildly]

Let's just get you sorted into your tribes.

Anyone darker than raw umber, go with Denzel.

All right, Shawnees. Show me some love.

We gonna win that tribal shield.

Rich kids that look like villains from an '80s movie,

go with Ethel.

Over here, Muskogees.

We will crush the other tribes!

I'm Chad. You probably recognize me.

When I was seven, I did a P'Zone commercial.

Hate to break it to you, but the rest of you are weirdos.

You're going with Connie.

Aw.

Yay, Cherokees.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure we're not gonna win anything.

So where are my kids, Woody?

You killed them all, remember?

Get out of here, dumbass!

Come on, Woody, everybody deserves a second chance.

He can be my co-counselor.

Yes! Thanks, Connie.

Fine, whatever.

But not a single fatality, you hear me, Steve?

I won't let you down, Woody.

Holy shit.

Don't worry about a thing.

This little guy's gonna get extra-special treatment.

Ooh, I like a man with authority.

And I like a woman who can unhinge her jaw.

- Ew! - Beat it, you little shit!

- Woody Johnson. - I'm Tiffany.

Well, Tiffany, how's about you stick around

and have dinner with me tonight in my cabin?

Ooh, it's a date. See you then.

Hold it, honky.

What are you doing with the black kids?

I am black.

I have a pigmentation disorder that causes my--

All right, Albino Roker.

Just get over there with the rest of the weirdos.

Okay, kids, now, remember,

Chief Woody will be watching and keeping tabs.

Everything you do well earns your tribe

valuable points for the tribal shield.

Malloy here will be keeping score.

On it. Points!

Now it's time for a tour of our wilderness wonderland.

Here is where the two best cooks in the county

will delight your taste buds-- our mess hall.

- Oh, mess hall. - Yeah, that makes more sense.

Above you is our state-of-the-art ropes course.

This doesn't look anything like the brochure.

Where are the arcades and the 100-foot waterslides?

We have waterslides!

Don't look at that.

Why can't we play outside?

Yeah, Steve, it's a beautiful day.

It's way too dangerous out there.

Steve, the best counselor ever,

is going to keep his kids safe.

Besides, we can do fun camp activities right here.

See?

Aah! No. You could choke on that.

Mmm, mmm.

Steve, this is ridiculous.

These kids can't spend their whole week of camp

locked up in a cabin.

Connie, my kids aren't stepping foot

out of this cabin, and that's final.

Aww!

All right, campers.

Time for an exciting hike past the Brickleberry whirlpool!

I haven't had a group of kids watch me poop

since I paid money to have a group of kids watch me poop.

Ooh, it must be nice to sit down to a relaxing dinner

after being the big, strong boss all day.

Oh, it's starting to tingle.

How's your ham-and-cheddar Lean Pocket?

Ooh, it's delicious, Woody.

Woody, are you in there?

I was just about to be. What the hell do you want?

One of my campers went missing.

I can't find her anywhere.

There you are.

What?

Tiffany, you're supposed to be in your cabin.

I was worried sick, young lady.

Uh, you're a kid?

I promised your mother you'd wear your retainer.

Lucky for you, I have it right here.

What are you doing in Woody's cabin

at this hour anyway?

Oh, I found her wandering around in the woods,

so I took her in to make sure she was safe.

It is dangerous around here.

Oh, yeah, a lot of creepy, old perverts right in this area.

Malloy!

Let's get you back to your cabin.

Thanks for the special evening, Woody.

Ooh, cock-blocked by an AMBER Alert.

That's got to sting.

All right, kids,

who's ready for some waterless, indoor,

use-your-imagination swimming?

Oh, my God, where are they?

What do you think you're doing?

We're just playing flashlight tag.

In the dark?

Somebody's gonna get hurt.

Oh!

See?

Everybody back inside!

No, we're not going back inside.

And I don't want you to be my co-counselor anymore.

You want to split up the tribe? Fine.