Santa Clarita Diet

- Joel. - Shh. No words, my love.

I'm sorry, babe, I'm just not really a "pound one out" kind of gal.

I know, and that's great.

You like romance and lavender candles

and a massage with essential oils and a wonderful meal but not too heavy.

You're making fun of me.

No. I'm only saying that sometimes, maybe even now,

- we might try... - Humping?

Like that rescue dog did to that little girl at the Rite Aid?

Jennifer Lawrence chopped off her hair again.

Everybody hates it like that but she doesn't care.

She's so bold.

I wish I was bold.

Am I bold? No, I'm not.

I'm really upset about the new toaster oven.

I'd like to be 20 percent bolder.

No, more, 80 percent. No, that's too much.

Look at all the slack in these knobs.

You can't set an accurate temperature.

Yeah, I know, honey. Did you send them an e-mail?

No, I re-read it. It came across a little crazy.

Well...

I need a car.

I can't live here anymore without a car. We're in the middle of freaking nowhere.

- We're not buying you a car. - You don't need to buy me a car.

Buy Mom a new car, I'll take hers. Like a normal family.

- I like the Range Rover. - Ah.

You'd look good in that.

Why don't you love Mom enough to buy her a Range Rover?

- Ow. - Well...

What? What is it? Are you all right?

Yeah, I just have this, like, sharp...

Here, sit down.

Oh.

Is Mom dying?

- Stop it. - I don't know, parents die.

I'm not dying, honey. I probably just ate something.

I'm fine. See? All better.

- Are you sure? You scared me. - Yeah, me too.

Makes you think... life is short.

You're not getting a car.

Maybe we can hang out after school.

Go to the Tea Garden together.

Why?

Because I love you and I don't see you very much.

I think this is working.

- Joel. - Dan.

Noticed a light on in your den all night.

Oh, okay. Someone's gonna get in trouble.

Just kidding, no one's in trouble.

- Unusual, that's all. - Dan.

- I had trouble sleeping, so I was up. - You had trouble sleeping?

- Problem? - Dan, leave people alone.

- Cop brain, sorry. - I'm not a cop, baby.

- LA Sheriff's Department, all the way. - Mm-hmm.

Dickless over there is a cop. Morning, puss.

Another day in pretend law enforcement?

Have a good day, Dan. Be safe.

Santa Monica PD. Shitbirds.

Be careful today chasing bad guys, honey bunch.

Oh, that's right, they don't allow pursuits in Santa Monica.

Worried it might hurt somebody's feelings.

Just trying not to kill civilians, Dan.

We protect and serve, not frame and maim like the sheriff's department.

Suck me, Rick.

Joel, Sheila.

Why do we gotta live between two cops?

Why couldn't it be two rival pastry chefs?

- I don't know. - See you at the Petersons'.

Do you have everything you need?

- Yes, Mom. - I'm just checking.

- Bye, Dad. - Bye, honey.

Abby.

You look so pretty today.

Eric worships you. You're the queen of his spank bank.

Mom, please!

Okay.

Hey, some of us girls are going out tonight.

Drinking, dancing, etcetera. You wanna come?

No, I can't, um, tonight.

- But thank you. - You're so flustered.

We're not banging dudes.

At least that's what we tell our husbands.

You're funny. Have a nice day.

Sheila Hammond, say hello to Gary West.

Gary was rocking it up in Sacramento. Now he's all ours.

- Hi, Gary. Uh, welcome aboard. - Thank you, Sheila.

I'm very excited to be here.

Sheila works with her husband. She's the pretty one.

You two gonna sell the Peterson house today?

We're gonna try, Carl.

None of this "try" bullshit. Do it!

Oh, you're yelling at me.

The Petersons are nervous. We cannot lose this goddamn listing.

Well, this is the third time these buyers have been at the house.

- Get an offer! - Mm-hmm.

Get an offer.

- That's what realtors do. - Okay.

Come on, I'll show you your office. It's small.

It's nice meeting you. I'm so sorry you got yelled at.

Same. I mean, nice meeting you, not sorry I got yelled at.

Well, actually both.

The master has been completely remodeled.

Lots of light and brand-new textured plush carpeting.

All headed in the same direction.

It's just lovely.

Do you know what my favorite thing about the upstairs is?

- The laundry chute. - Oh, it's amazing.

It was so...

Oh, my God.

Wow!

Wow.

Honey, you okay?

I'm sorry. We are gonna call a crew and immediately get that cleaned up.

Maybe we should reschedule.

Great idea. I could run you up to that Cape Cod on Barnhill.

No, please. I don't wanna make everyone have to come back.

I'm just gonna go use the restroom really quickly,

and call the cleaning crew.

I'll be right back, excuse me.

- Okay, other bedrooms. - Yes, this way.

New skylights really open it up, don't you think?

- I love the crown molding in here. - Mmm.

- Just beautiful. - Yeah.

I wanna leave.

Sheila.

Sheila... Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Sheila.

Sheila. Sheila? Sheila.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Oh! Sheila.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Did we get the offer? - Oh, what the fuck?

I'm okay.

I just threw up.

Like a fair amount.

Yeah.

And that came out of me.

Do you think it's an organ?

I really am feeling better, honey.

I wanna get you looked at.

We've been here over three hours.

I just wanna go home, get out of these clothes and take a bath.

I feel like a bus station shit in my mouth.

I'll go see what's happening.

Excuse me.

Do not ask me again how long it's gonna be.

This isn't a deli counter.

The most life-threatening conditions have priority. Your wife threw up.

- A lot. - Your wife threw up.

- A lot. - Okay, we're not doing this.

Hold on.

Gonna call your doctor and make you some soup.

You lost a lot of fluids.

Mmm...

I'm okay with you smoking pot.

Excuse me?

I know I complain about it so you try to hide it,

but I just want you to be the Joel you want to be.

That's...

That's really nice, sweetheart.

- Sheila. - Gary.

This is Gary, the new realtor I was telling you about.

Gary, my husband, Joel.

- Hey, Gary. - Hi there.

So how are you feeling? I heard about your afternoon.

- Much better, thank you. - Oh, these are for you.

And I made sure the cleaning crew got in there okay.

They took care of everything so don't worry about that.

- Thank you, Gary. That is so sweet. - So sweet.

Well, we'd invite you in, but...

Don't even think about it. But listen... Joel, can I talk to you a moment?

I'm gonna go get cleaned up.

Thanks for the flowers, Gar, and all your help.

No problem.

Feel better.

That was a crazy amount of vomit.

Well, I'm not a medical expert,

so I can't say what the proper amount of vomit is.

- It was a huge amount. - Are you a doctor, Gary?

- No. - Neither am I.

So let's not dishonor that profession,

which takes eight years of intense training,

by thinking we can give medical opinions, okay?

Fine, then let's just stick to facts.

The homeowners came by, they didn't like what they saw.

So they don't want to work with you anymore.

They'll be working with me now.

You're stealing our listing?

No, the facts are they fired you, then hired me.

And that was an insane amount of vomit.

Everything's good. Gary just needed some advice.

I helped him out.

I can't feel my heartbeat.

- What? - My heart.

I can't feel it.

I love your hair.

Yeah. Like that.