The Angry Video Game Nerd

Before there was Rambo and the Terminator, there was Dirty Harry,

which made Clint Eastwood into one of the original Badass action stars from the modern era.

Now, of course because the movie was rated R, it got made into an NES game.

And while the movie was Dirty Harry, the game was straight-up filthy.

Now there existed five Dirty Harry movies,

so the game doesn't follow any specific one of the story lines. It kind of invents its own.

The title screen opens with the classic line from Sudden Impact.

"Go ahead, make my day."

And that does make my day because it sounds pretty good.

Too bad everything after that goes downhill.

It's like cutting the brake lines on a dump truck, and then it crashes into a sewage treatment plant,

but the dump truck was actually full of shit to begin with.

*PPBPBBBBBLLLLLL*

Uh, just listen to that music. Sounds like someone was beat to death with a synthesizer.

It's a symphony of electronic farts.

When you press start, you'll be given the option of starting from the beginning or entering a password,

specifically for level 2 or 3.

There's only three levels... Well, that's good! Hehe... How bad could this be?

He, he, he, stupid question.

Start the game and you're immediately ganged up on by two assholes,

while another asshole reigns molotov cocktails down on you.

Molotov cocktails down on you though. I do like the little pose Harry does when he gets hit

That's great. Looks like something Elvis would do

When you beat them up two more guys come out

Geez, is there any city with this much crime the whole city is trying to murder a police officer in broad daylight?

I can't even get past the first screen without losing a life

Oh, maybe because you have to hit a and B together to jump because why make the controls easy to use

I mean if you're gonna have diarrhea you might as well splatter the toilet seat while you're at it I

Walk in these buildings and there's snakes all over just slithering it up. Oh

Jeez, Alice Cooper left his damn snakes all over the place why there's snakes in the apartments

Anyway, I mean sure the main villain in the game is named anaconda, but why do they have to take it so literal?

It's not like scorpion from Mortal Kombat actually throws scorpions at people

Come on, I'm a cop not animal control

there's also rooms with laser floors and this big bastard if you get close he punches you straight across the room and

Bullets bounce right off them. So tons of snakes

Psychotic citizens and a giant bulletproof enemy like what the fuck is wrong with this place?

All right. Well, I don't know what I'm doing. So let's check the manual

Okay, you can kick by pressing up and B, which also opens the crates that makes sense

I guess you can also use crowbars to break into closed apartments, but be careful because they can only be used once

who ever heard of disposable crowbars or they actually made a Crow's and

By the way, the health power-ups are chili dogs. Who's he think he is Sonic the Hedgehog

You can also jump on the small boxes on the floor to find ammo money bombs and bags of cocaine

dude

It's an NES game where you're collecting bags of cocaine

So it happened to narc, but that whole game was like an anti-drug statement here. You're just collecting cocaine

Finally after stopping and kicking everything in sight you pick up a flashlight

Which allows you to see in the sewers later in the game. I also ran into this guy who doesn't do anything

He just flips a coin. I tried. I tried kicking. I tried punching him, but guess what?

You have to jump right on him and then you get his clothes

What you never jumped on a complete stranger and instantly switched clothes with them

So now Dirty Harry turns into John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever

Oh and on the back of the game

They had the screenshots for both the Travolta and Elvis poses because they knew it was awesome

Oh and the giant guy, I guess you can walk past them now because you're wearing a disguise

Then there's this lady who gives you some extra lives. That's great and all but there's no reason to come in here

other than that

Why go through all that if it's not gonna progress the story and who cares about the extra lives because soon I died anyway

this game is yet another one of those where the fuck do I go kind of games I ran around for 20 minutes like a

Chicken with its head cut off and barely accomplished anything. Well, luckily. There's an infinite lives code. Yeah, it's cheap, but fuck it

So the password to get infinite lives is Clyde

Clyde is the orangutan from another Clint Eastwood film every which way but loose

So I guess the developers were big Clint Eastwood fans

But a better way to honor him would have been to make a game that doesn't suck ass

So anyway, the infinite live should make the game easier, but it doesn't look at how agile Harry is

I mean he could be in the Olympics. He jumps 10 foot gaps from ladders and hops along rooftops

Imagine Clint Eastwood moving like that in real life

After smashing everyone's apartment again and park whoring through most of San Francisco. I hit the first sewer section

It's filled with rats roaches and remote-control cars a little reference to the fit film the Deadpool

The sewer has a real electrical problem, too

Because there's open wires that will fry Harry if he touches them you run around like a rat in a maze