The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend

That's right, Freddie! Never wait too long between shots.

Or your finger might change its mind.

Shooting ain't got nothing to do with the mind.

It's all a matter of instinct.

There you go, pulled the trigger again,

and all you got to do is close your hand gently.

Like you're squeezing a sock full of dead mice.

That's better, baby. Just like a bag of dead...

That's six. Can I go play with my dolly, now, Grandpa?

You leave that dolly be and learn your lessons, Winifred.

Load up that gun. 'Cause this is a rough country, little lady.

And the words they savvy best is the words you say with that there thing.

Being a good shot ain't a-going to get you in trouble,

it'll keep you out of trouble.

You ain't got a Pappy or a Mammy and I'm getting old.

And this is sudden country. There's no telling where I'm going to be

when you start to blossom out into the flower of young womanhood.

I'll probably be up in the hills,

just a couple of coyotes howling over my grave

to keep me company.

Then, that there shooting iron has got to be

your Mammy and your Pappy and your big brother.

So shoot, little lady.

Learn to shoot straight, and quick.

There we are.

- Go on, now. - Yes, sir.

That's Grandpa's good girl! Now one for Pappy.

Now one for Mammy.

And one for big brother.

Fine! Now, one for the little boy who lives down the lane.

Yes, sir! We got the little boy just where it done him the most good.

Yes, sir. All you need now is lots of practice.

And you'll be able to hold your own in this wicked, old world.

Can I go play with my dolly now, Grandpa?

Yes, you can play with the dolly now.

Poor motherless, little Freddie.

And what a shot!

What are you talking about? This is a law-abiding town.

It ain't the Wild West.

People don't do things like this without some reason behind it.

For heaven's sakes, Freddie. You ought to have some kind of an idea.

How do I know? Those things just happen.

It can happen to anybody, that's all.

Well, it ain't so bad.

They say the first ten years is kind of irritating,

but after that you get used it. They say, anyway.

What?

But why did you shoot him, Freddie?

I said "shoot."

If you wanted to get rid of him,

couldn't you have pushed him out a window,

or down a well, or under a horse?

Or shove him down a swamp bank at midnight.

But- but why did you have to shoot the poor guy in the first place?

I was jealous, I guess.

You know how girls are.

Do I?

I was sitting at one table, with a couple of suckers from the East.

Blackie was at the next table, giving me the fish eye,

because we had a kind of a blow-up over this new gizzy that blew in.

Roulette, she calls herself, yet.

Nothing serious, but if you can see me getting sore about a number like that one.

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction, that twilly.

Just minding my own business.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Maybe you do us a big "flavor," Freddie, and singing us a song.

That's what I get paid for, so it can't be that big a "flavor."

Will you excuse her, gentlemen?

Deal me out, boys, but don't forget me.

No, impossible.

Hurry back.

See you later.

"Every Time I Meet You."

Sure.

Oh, why, Stan, my stocking. Surely, you escort me to my room, no?

I'm afraid for all these men.

Well, I suppose so.

There you are!

I see.

Then you didn't actually mean to shoot the honorable Alfalfa J. O'Toole?

The honorable Alfalfa J. O'Toole?

Judge of the United States Circuit Court,

and shoot him good, what I mean.

Is that who yelled?

Do you blame him?

Then where was Blackie, and that tomato?

Maybe under the bed. How do I know?

The party we're interested in is the one that was on top of the bed.

The honorable Alfalfa J. O'Toole.

I suppose he's awfully irritated.

If he's alive, he is.

And irritated doesn't begin to describe it.

Maybe he doesn't remember my name, Ambrose.

Maybe he forgot it in the excitement.

Remember your name.

In letters of fire, he remembers your name.

In letters of fire nine feet high.

When I catch that Blackie.

Look, Freddie, a man's a man.

And when something new comes along, an opportunity presents itself...

- What's new about a twist? - ...his thoughts just naturally turn to...

You take, like, me, Freddie.

Sitting right here in this dungeon beside you.

Even I who sit here, Freddie...

Even you who sit there, Freddie, what?

Well, I got a right to sit, ain't I?

Well, just keep on sitting.

Pronto ! Open the door.

Look what you done...

Put this bed over that way. Be careful, go!

Put the florals over that way, too.

That's over there, with the...

What's going on here?

Is the judge still sore, Joe?

Is he sore?

You mean, is he sore? He ain't sore, he's boiling.

He ain't boiling, he's exploding.

He's setting fire to the curtains. I brought you something to eat.

Thanks, Joe, and for the bed.

And the bath- don't mention it, honey.

Maybe I'd better apologize to him. I guess I'd better apologize to him.

Oh, sure, and take him some fudge.

You just take me over there, and when I tell him how sorry I am...

I can't do it, Freddie. Not without bail.

I got the right, Ambrose. I got the legal right.

You got what legal right?

You got a legal right if you got a court order.

And you know who the only person is who can sign that court order?

I can guess, I guess.

That's right. The honorable Alfalfa J. O'Toole, in person.

It isn't as if I was asking for anything really, Ambrose.

You know I wouldn't get you in trouble for the world, Ambrose.

I wouldn't even consider it, Freddie, less'n I was absolutely sure

you'd left your gun here, you wasn't out of my sight for even half a second,

and I was right with you all the time.

Well, who else would I want to be right with all the time, Ambrose?

Steady now, steady, now.

If you just wouldn't wiggle around so much, I'd have it out in an instant.

There we are. Now I've got it.

Elusive little devil, isn't it?

I thought sure it was there. It got away again.

Well, let's have another whack at it.

If you'd just be a little less cheerful about it, you old windbag.

Of all the butchers I've...

Oh, will I get even with you for this.

There, there. I've got it.

Or have I? Is that a button off your trousers?

No, it can't be a button off the trousers. Different shape.

It can't be a button off the trousers because it'd have a thread in it.

This has no thread in it. Oh, it's a safe bet that that's it.

There, there. Don't excite yourself.

What's a little difference between friends?

Between friends? I never even saw her.

I haven't seen her yet. She works strictly from the back.

I'll give her so much solitary confinement, she'll be talking to herself!

And if that crook of a sheriff allows her so much as one visitor, I'll...

Get out and stay out!

Yes, don't come in here.

Oh-ho.

Oh, hello, my love.

What is this I hear about your being shot in a young woman's bedroom

by her irate enamoratus, you old...

There's no such word as enamoratus, madam.

Who is this old tramp?

Madam, I happen to be the doctor.

You were right the first time.

Now, if you'll just go home and wait patiently, I'll explain the whole thing.

- What were you doing in her bedroom? - Whose bedroom?