The Universe of Scotch and Haagen-Dazs

Penelope?

Pen?

What?

Nothing.

What?

Nothing.

Can you get me water?

Shit.

Shh.

Are you me?

I'll explain.

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Shall we?

Do you have any ice cream?

In my universe, they banned sugar.

I can afford it on the black market, but--

- There's some Butter Pecan but it might be a little icy.

I was hoping for Haagen-Dasz, but thanks.

Anyway, I'm a you from another universe.

One of the many yous from many, many universes.

I, Dan Levy, had invented a way to travel

between these universes

to visit the literally infinite versions

of you, me, Dan Levy.

Sure, the universe is so vast

with so many possibilities that there could be--

Is.

- Is, a universe for each and every decision I've ever made.

Or will make.

Right, I've devoted my life to mes,

hearing those stories and decisions

and most relevantly, arranging an exchange program.

So I'd go live in another universe?

- For a while, and another you would live here,

like a timeshare.

You're gonna charge me for this?

Yeah, and I killed the guy

who decided to do this pro bono,

so don't wait around for him

I'm joking.

About killing him, he really does exist.

Although yeah, there'd be a universe where I killed him.

And one where he killed me.

Fuck.

- Sure could use some scotch to wash down this ice cream.

- I don't drink scotch anymore, bad experience.

- Dammit, anyway let's talk about your options.

So I'd be a different Dan Levy.

Well, sort of.

What?

Cool right?

iPad invisible three, I'm from a universe

where Gore won, 9/11 didn't happen,

all the Iraq war money went to cancer research,

Steve Jobs lives and now we have this.

Though, don't get too excited,

there are a whole bunch of universes

where we are really sorry Saddam Hussein

is still in power.

Frankly, there are a bunch of universes

where we're sorry Steve Jobs is in power.

So there are universes where, you went to grad school.

Universes where you went to Spain to teach ESL.

Where you went to Spain to be a matador.

Where you smoke a lot of weed.

Where you deal a lot of weed.

Where you do a lot of weeding.

Universes where you know kung fu.

Where you want to kill yourself.

Dark.

- Not as dark as the universes where you did.

Universes where you saved the president's life.

Where you saved Christmas.

Where you saved the life of a little boy,

who would become the next Hitler.

Why would I wanna go to that universe?

That's a question only you can answer.

Universes where--

I'll do it.

What, the Hitler one?

It doesn't matter.

I mean, I'd prefer, not the Hitler one but--

Nice!

All right, so it's a $1000, cash upon return.

That's it?

- Hey man, we're family, plus the dollar's pretty strong

in my universe.

That is all pretty standard stuff you're signing,

guaranteeing payment, liability.

Couple of weird things you should know.

I can put you in a universe