The Honeymooners

This is DJ Suckaslam, spinnin' it old school tonight,

inviting all of New York to forget your Y2K worries, turn up your radio,

and help good old Chuck Brown bust loose.

Oh, yeah. Bust it up, New York.

Taxi! Ohh! Oh!

Can I give you a ride?The way you drive?

Oh, wow. You sure got a lot of confidence.

Ralph. Ralph Kramden.

Operator of this machine and, uh, this machine.

Alice. Alice Gibson.

What's up, Alice Gibson?

So, Ralph Kramden, you takin' me to Brooklyn, or what?

I'll take you anywhere you want to go-- Crown Heights, Red Hook, Bushwick.

I'll take you to the moon, Alice. Come on.

I hope you're not gonna lose your job over this.

So what if I do?

This right here, this whole bus driver thing? This is temporary.

I'm an entrepreneur, and, uh, this is gonna make me a millionaire.

"Kramden International Y2K Ultra Deluxe Survival Kit"?

Yeah, and when Y2K hit, you gonna need all that stuff in there.

You think Y2K's gonna be that bad?

You ain't been watchin' CNN?

When every computer in the world shuts down on New Year's Eve,

that kit, plus a check or money order for 29.99 plus shipping and handling,

is the only thing that's gonna protect you against total chaos.

Wow. Total chaos?

Yeah. I mean, you know, if I'm lucky.

I guess my dream's a little bit more practical.

Oh, yeah? Like what?My own home.

Nothin' fancy, just a little place all my own. You know?

No landlord or haggling with the super to fix the pipes or rent increases.

Just... my name on a deed and...

some lawn chairs on the front porch so I can watch my kids play ball in the street.

You got kids?

I'm playin'.

Can't you feel it, Alice? We are on the verge of a new millennium.

You need to stick with your boy, because I'm about to blow up!

I mean, you'll see.

This job, these empty pockets, this waistline-- gone!

Yeah. One day--

I'm gonna own this town!

Is that what you think? I own this town?

I just asked you to talk to the super about the pipes, Ralph.

That's all.Today?

The Mets are in the seventh game of the World Series, and you know this, Alice,

and you want me to think about plumbing?

Okay.

So it makes a little noise. But so do you, and I've learned to live with that.

Ralph.

Fine. But I'm not dragging the super into this.

I'm calling my boy Norton. He works in the sewers. He knows pipes.

Yo, Norton!

What's up with the Mets?Today's the day, baby!

Yeah, buddy! Oh!

Oh, my God! What did you do to my baby?

I didn't do anything!Never mind them, Ralphie.

I got a new riddle for ya.

A man was born in 1955. What made him--

Look, not now!

Alice wants you to get down here and take a look at these pipes.

She's driving me crazy.All right.

Don't come down that. That thing is gonna kill you!

He's coming down the fire escape.

Hey, Alice.Hi, Ed.

Come on, Ralph. A man was born in 1955.

Today's his 18th birthday. How's that possible, huh?

1955 is not the year he was born, it's the number of the hospital room he was born in.

Damn, you smart.

What seems to be the problem, Alice?

Oh, listen, Ed.

I'm on it.

He's on it. Why's he gotta be on it? What happened to you?

Knock, knock! Morning, Kramdens.

Oh, hey, Trix. What do you got there, Trixie?

Ooh, I made French toast. Alice, I tried this new powdered sugar, Tasty Meds.

It's the one they give to the diabetics right when they wake up from the coma-- 99 cents.

It's a slight little aftertaste, but it's still good. Right, Ralph?

Mm-hmm. See?

- Trixie makes Ed French toast. - That's 'cause Ed's not on Trimspa.

Oh, you got jokes. You just a regular UPN sitcom, huh, Alice?

I gotta get to these pipes. Look, just fix it, okay?

It'll be good to have some peace and quiet around here.

You-- You-- You--Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Ed, what'd you do now?

They wanted me to fix their pipes, baby.

Yeah, not knock a big whole in the wall!

That's where the pipes are.

If you'd just talked to the landlord like I asked

you to in the first place--That's a much better idea,

'cause I do my best work down below.

Ooh, now that is true, baby.You did say that.

I'm a professional. People always call me--

Get out!

It's all right, baby. It's okay.

Yeah, ah-ah-ah-ah. Take the wife, leave the French toast.

Oh, man!See you at the diner, Alice!

Later, Trix.

Hey, Ralph, after work we're gonna watch that game--

Out!Ah!

Go Mets.

You are certifiable, you know that? You oughta have your head examined.

I'll have my head examined anywhere in the United States.

And you know what they're gonna find when they look in there? Nothin'!

I ask you to do one thing. One thing!

You never appreciate anything I do!

You always go on and on!

I can't take it anymore!

You gotta go. I am late.

Here's your lunch.

Hey, Tastykakes.Yeah.

Be careful. Always am.

Stay outta the bus lane!

Hey!Vivek, my man.

The Mets are goin' all the way, Ralph.

You'll do very well. Oh, yeah. You know that.

Do you have a wager on the game tonight, Ralph?

Well, no, not exactly.

Let's just say I'm taking advantage of certain economic opportunities.

Or as my investment guru Bart Roberts says,

"Kick open the door and opportunity don't have to knock."

That's Bart Roberts.

Order up.

Girls, come over here. Come over here. I have something to show you.

This is your new uniform.Oh, no, no.

You don't like it?

Mm-mmm, but I like the neckline, the "V."

The health inspector's coming soon, so we gotta keep everything clean.

Now, but I'm gonna show you something.

You see this? Ahh! Look at that.

See? Spotless.Voilà.

Yes.Excuse me.

I'd, uh-- I'd like to order.

Alice, please take him, 'cause I can tell he's gonna get on my nerves.

Hi. How can I help you today?

Yes, Alice, I would like an egg white omelet. And if I could get a clean glass of water.

Well, precious, we don't separate our eggs here,

and that's about as clean as it's gonna get.

Well, what do you have that's similar to an egg white omelet?

Eggs.

Well, then, by all means, why don't you just bring me whatever's convenient for you?

Ah! Do I need to take off my heels?

No, no. Not yet.

I've angered you. I'm sorry. It happens a lot.

Alice, hello.

Oh, hi, Miss Benvenuti. How are you?

I'm fine. Hi, Trixie. How are you?

Miss Benvenuti, what a pleasure. Please.

If you just buy my house that will be pleasure enough.

Miss Benvenuti, you're selling that cute little duplex over on Hart Street?

Yes, I can't take the winters anymore.

Mr. Davis here and his company are thinking of buying my house.

Yes, we are. So, uh, if you girls could just go and cook something--

Ignoring you.Yeah, I wish we would've known.

We've been looking to buy a duplex for years.

I'm sorry, but my company's already buying this one.

Yes, well, we're not a company or anything,

but we would like a nice place to move into with our husbands,

have a few little babies-- a little Trixie.

Everything's so expensive nowadays.

Yes, it is. Kind of wishing you hadn't

dropped out of high school right about now, huh?

Still ignoring you. So, Miss Benvenuti,

how much are you asking for the duplex?

Alice?

Cool.

Yo, Norton?