Seize Them!

It was the Dark Ages.

And in the land of Britain, there lived a mighty queen,

adored by all her subjects.

Most of them.

Some of them.

Oh, just meet her. You'll understand.

- My Queen, enemy force... - Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!

How am I coming out?

My portrait. And give me the truth, unvarnished.

Don't think to flatter me, Leofwine.

Maybe the Queen should judge for herself.

Well done!

I'll not have your fingers hacked off today.

Thank you, my Queen.

- Now, how goes the war? - Ah.

Oh yes, the war.

Angered by Dagan's harsh reign,

the peasants had risen against her.

From amongst the common folk,

a rebel champion rose,

a woodcutter named Humble Joan,

and Joan had something the queen did not:

A secret of great might called flame-powder.

But Dagan had a plan to crush the rebellion.

The forest archers, the river clans,

the spearmen of the fens.

We... we muster them here.

Are you listening?

We muster them here and they shall smash our enemies.

I- I don't know why you didn't think of this before.

My Queen, we can move the pieces on the map all we like.

It will not conjure them here.

The spearmen of the fens are fallen.

Well, let them get up again, the lazy tykes.

Humph!

I thought you were going to say they were dead.

Oh.

The river clans are cleft in bits.

The forest archers turned and... fight for Humble Joan.

I know the illness which gnaws at your innards.

Ow, my fucking leg!

It's not Humble Joan, no.

- Where's it gone?! - It's fear.

So, let us lift our spirits with a - with a banquet!

She tramples on the lions,

She tramples on her foes,

raises burdensome taxes on their howling widows.

Dainty, soft, soft.

Shut up!

Come.

What's this yellow stuff?

No, let me guess.

Tumery. Turmer -

- Meric. - Turmer...

- Turmeric. - You please me.

Bring me these eggs in all the banquets to come.

Yes, my Queen.

All eggs. Right.

Humble Joan can't stop us from enjoying this, can she?

I am more than your queen, am I not?

I'm-I'm your friend.

A toast, to friendship.

Fall back!

The wall is breached.

Oh, dear.

Fighting in the passages.

Screams of the dying.

Yes, dying peasants, though, don't we think?

Footsteps coming closer.

They're at the door.

Humble Joan.

Merely Joan.

I seek no fame, no titles.

Only justice.

Urgh.

As do I.

Leofwine!

During any change of government,

some element of continuity is advisable.

No!

I am still the queen!

Thanes, I command you to seize them!

Is she serious?

Thanes, you are citizens of the new commonwealth.

Be free.

Thank you, Humble Joan, you heal our land.

You heal yourselves.

What?

Wolf Tail...

My father's blade.

Humble Joan, I challenge you to single combat.

The victor wins the realm.

Duelling?

Oh. A sad habit of the wealthy.

We have no need for it now.

There are a dozen tongues in this hall.

More than one shall speak of the time

Humble Joan was afraid.

If I can fell the tallest oak,

I can cut down a little queen.

Argh!

Oh!

Such pretty nails and such a soft foot.

You've lived as a queen.

Time to die as one.

Many people cry for their mothers at a time like this.

Mum! No!

Not I! Argh!

Oh, a fighting queen at last!

Did I touch a nerve?

See how the coward runs.

Now, bring her back.

Well, look at you.

She went this way!

Oh, excuse me, corpse chap.

Dagan!

Oooh, D-D-D-D-D Dagan!

Boo!

My new master will be pleased.

This way, my Queen.

Oh. Oh, titting balls.

I've never gone this way before.

They're staff stairs, come on!

I remember you now.

You're one of the servants and you're called Turmeric.

- That's the spice. - Yes, I knew that.

Dishand me! A commoner may not touch a queen!

Urgh!

- Why are we going up? - I know of a privy chute.

- A what? - A privy chute.

It's narrow, but steep and moist.

We'll slide fast.

Moist is a word for it, I can think of others.

At least consider it, my Queen.

Do you think to trick me and push me down?

That wasn't so bad, was it?

The Queen requires a shoe!

You look perfect. Now, run!

Find Dagan!

Find the queen!

Where are we going? And what's your name again?

Shulmay.

Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay,

Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay.

- We'll swim downstream. - We turn back.

Huh?

Quick, they're coming. In here.

Hang on, what's this?

The Queen's colour.

She took to water.

She reckons we'll lose the scent.

Follow the river, boys!

The Queen had outwitted the rebels and escaped.

Maybe Shulmay helped a bit too.

But with her citadel taken, what would Dagan do now?

When I was a girl, I would watch my father punish traitors.

He would cleave off their arms.

And shove them up their arses.

- That's nice. - Hmm.

And then he would cleave off their arses

and shove those up whatever remained.

People didn't always get their own arses.

Arses were swapped about.

Now, Leofwine,

she will have all of this and more

when I take back the citadel tomorrow.

And do you have soldiers for that, Your Majesty?

You're making the queen feel bad.

Your throne is lost.

But it can be yours again.

You may continue.

For weeks, I feared Leofwine was playing both sides,

that there were letters she didn't show you.

Earlier in the fog of war, she left one on the table.

'To Chancellor Leofwine,

from King Ivarr of Jutland and King Guthrum of the Frisians.'

These are my cousins!

My cousins across the sea!

'By Fingerstone Rock -'

Well, I had a moment, no more.

I could only take the first page.

Then we'll never know the rest!

I'm finished!

Strangle me.

But gently.

It said Ivarr and Guthrum

will give you sanctuary in their lands.

Then they'll muster armies and longships

all for you to take back what's yours.

Then I'm saved!

But what does 'by Fingerstone Rock' mean?

Fingerstone is a crag on the coast.

It marks the shortest passage to their lands.

Well, that's where we're going!

How far is Fingerstone Rock from here?

A hundred and forty miles.

One hundred and forty miles?

One hundred and -

And so began their great journey, to Fingerstone Rock,

to the kings, to salvation.