Wingman

I want breasts.

How do you want 'em?

Big.

And juicy.

Spicy or regular?

Bouncy.

Anything else?

A wing.

That's two spicy breasts and a wing.

Binjo!

Drive through, please.

Hey, Turk.

You wanna drink with that?

Sure, how about a Sex on the Beach

followed by 12 orgasms?

You know we don't have no liquor. (Chuckles)

Lick her? (Scoffs)

I barely know her!

Oh, yeah.

Wingman.

Ah!

Nice face.

Yeah.

2100 hours exactly.

Your, uh, wing man is now officially on the clock.

Tonight, I'm gonna get you laid

faster than an olive-oil soaked butt plug

bouncing down the side of Brokeback Mountain.

So, how exactly does this work anyhow?

You pick out the hottie you want,

we stride on up there.

And then, I build you up to the point

that you're so irresistible,

even a one-legged nun at a gopher hole festival

couldn't resist power-slamming you.

I'll take out the Klingon friend,

then you're on your own.

How do I know it works?

Does an elephant know how to jerk itself off

with its own nose?

I, I.

Come on, let's go.

(people laughing)

Hello, ladies.

Can we, uh,

buy you some drinks?

I don't know. Can you afford a bottle of Cristal?

This is Todd Barker.

5'9", 186 pounds,

half Irish, two-thirds Italian,

1% Native American,

Navajo tribe.

Thanks for asking.

He works at a successful law firm downtown,

makes 49K a year,

10-year trajectory, 600K, annually.

Blood type O, no trace of disease

or mental illness in his gene pool,

although he does have a brother who once got arrested

for shooting through an Arby's drive-through window.

He's only been with three women.

Almost had a homosexual encounter

in a public restroom in Germany after he left college.

He's allergic to cats.

He doesn't snore.

He prefers steak over seafood.

And he's been circumcised.

Twice.

Twice. (Chuckles nervously)

Any, uh, questions?

Excuse us for a second.

Are you fucking kidding me?

How did you know all this stuff?

I'm good at my job.

Okay, looks like we'll take that drink after all.

I thought so.

Hi. (Upbeat music)

What is that unbelievable smell?

Are you wearing cologne?

It's just a little something I picked up

when I was in Paris.

Kindness, forgiveness, cherish,

KFC, number seven.

You're fucking hot.

I know.

Hey there, gorgeous.

Do you work in a museum,

because you're a work of art?

(Skip gasps)

Ah, my face!

Ah! Ah!

Upstairs, there's literally, like,

a flight piercing sound in the

- Ugh! Ugh! - Whoa!

- Whoa! - Oh my god.

- What is that? - Skip!

I like the new look!

Girls are into narwhals these days, right?

You better not show up to our wedding like that.

You might steal my thunder.

Yeah, and pop all the balloons.

- Dude, come here, come here. - Just take it out,

please, please.

Oh!

Oh!

Am I pussing, am I pussing?

- No, it doesn't look good. - All right.

Okay, guys, guys, all right, a toast.

To Bob and Terri and your last few days of being single.

- Aw. - Okay, fine.

Here's to Bob and Terri,

the most obnoxiously cute couple I've ever met.

- Mhmm. - Thank you.

And here's to the world's best boss

becoming the world's best husband.

- Aw. - Okay, fine, my turn.

Here's to the most amazing girlfriend in the world,

and come next week, the most amazing wife.

Oh, most importantly, here's to closing the Alfab account!

Finally!

Yeah! (Friends laughing)

Yeah! (Everyone laughing)

Hi.

Hello.

Hi.

My name is Kazzim.

Nice to meet you, Kazzim.

Very beautiful woman.

Your skin is very beautiful.

It's like the chocolate

cascading down a Dairy Queen sundae.

No nuts, I hope, you know? (Laughing)

Day and age. (Chuckles)

These kids, nuts, no nuts.

I have nuts, they have nuts.

We all have nuts, everybody's nuts.

I don't think

Can I get you boys some shots?

And staring in your eyes

is like staring at the beautiful stars in the sky.

Wow.

Okay.

Mm, these are good.

- Thank you, man. - Hey.

You know, one for my dead dog.

Yeah.

And we will make babies. (Terri chuckles)

We will have little Raju, Sangita.

Rajinder.

Sandeep.

And don't forget Chandala.

- He's our crippled one. - Oh.

You can't have all good ones.

Wow, that's... I plan on breeding.

I want to win the breeders cup.

That's, uh.

I like your little flower there.

Mhmm.

Mm!

I like your halitosis, shit breath.