Kissing a Fool

And now by the virtue

of the authority vested in me by the laws of the state of Illinois,

I pronounce that you are husband and wife.

May your days be long together

and the joys ever increasing.

Kiss the bride.

Hey, there. Hi, there. Hello.

Come here often?

Yeah.

- Hi, how you doing? - Pretty good.

Mmm-hmm.

This is my place here.

Super.

Mmm-hmm. Impressive, isn't it?

Phew.

I introduced the bride and groom. Did you know that?

- Nope. - Oh?

Would you like to hear the story?

Sure, yeah.

- Just get me a scotch. - I think that'd be best.

Hey, Linda, what's up?

Hi, how are you?

- Good, good. How are you? - Fine.

Look at you. You look great.

Not as good as you.

Oh, well, I showered.

Table four. I got the caterer to switch me.

We're gonna be sitting together.

Oh, good, we can catch up.

Absolutely. How you been?

Good. Good.

This is a great house you have here.

Oh, thanks, thanks.

Real nice of you to let the kids have it for the affair.

Absolutely. Yeah.

Guess they couldn't spring for a band though, huh?

Do I know you?

No, I'm crashing.

Whose wedding is this anyway?

Kidding, kidding.

I'm laughing.

No, I'm here with Vicki Pelam.

She went to Northwestern with the bride.

We're getting married next Christmas.

Well, congratulations.

Thank you, thank you.

Don't know where we're gonna have the ceremony yet,

but, gotta tell you, it's a great house. Great, great house.

- Hi, honey. - Oh, hi, honey.

Honey, this is Linda. This is her house.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, my God, Lynn. How did they land your house?

I mean, are you like family or friend or what?

Oh, I introduced the bride and groom.

You know the whole story.

Oh, my God, I've been dying to hear about this.

That's true. She called the bride 10 times.

Hasn't gotten one call back.

- I'm sure. - Yeah.

But, Lynn, tell us the story.

- Mmm, I don't know. - You don't know it?

- She doesn't know it. - Oh, no. I know it.

- She doesn't know it. - I know the whole thing.

- You don't know it. - Oh, I know it.

I'm responsible for it.

Well, then tell us for Christ's sake.

Yeah, come on, Lynn. Tell us the story.

Well, I'm the hostess. I got a lot of people to see, things to do.

- How long could it take? Come on. - No, I really can't.

What, five minutes?

- It's only five minutes. - Mmm, all right.

Fill this up, will you?

Well, Max and Jay have been friends since birth.

Now I come into the picture.

To put it modestly, I discovered Jay.

Really?

I decided that our house would release his first book,

even though every publisher in town had passed.

Well, you could imagine how happy he was about this.

I'm very happy about this.

Okay.

I had the perfect editor for him. A young, fast-rising talent.

Sam.

Samantha Andrews, Jay Murphy.

Sam, Jay. Jay, Sam.

- It's very nice to meet you. - Hi. You, too.

I knew her style was the perfect match for his.

Of course, I was concerned about a possible romance between them,

and how it might affect the book,

but my fears quickly subsided,

because Jay was clearly not in the right frame of mind to be looking for romance.

Is anyone sitting here?

I don't care.

The first thing he thought of regarding Sam and romance was Max.

What up, Chicago?

This is Max Abbitt reporting live at Wrigley Field.

How am I doing? How do I look?

Great. You look great.

You know, I'm not wearing any underwear.

Huh?

Hey, Abbitt, who was that girl who was with you

last night at the Mambo Room?

Keep your glove off her, Sosa.

You...

What?

Well, who the fuck was she?

What, are we married?

Obviously Max was not having any problem finding women on his own.

But Jay didn't approve of any of them,

and he was convinced that he knew exactly what Max needed.

I thought we agreed not to set each other up anymore.

No, I agreed not to let you set me up anymore

after that girl who you said was perfect for me

tied me up and came out with that hood and cane

and offered to beat the shit out of me.

You didn't like Xena?

No, I didn't like Xena.

I also agreed that I was gonna help put an end to your hedonistic lifestyle.

I know what that means, okay?

I mean, Max, you don't wanna become that 40-year-old guy

who's still out at the clubs

with the silk shirt and gold chains

trying to pick up on college girls, do you?

Of course not, Jay. At 40, I wanna be the bald guy

with the ponytail and a Harley

trying to pick up high school girls.

You're an idiot.

You're the one in therapy.

You're the one who should be.

Maybe you can get me in.

I always wanted to pay 100 bucks an hour

to talk myself out of being happy.

Why are we meeting in the zoo anyway?

It's a good environment.

Show her you're the kind of guy who likes animals.

Oh, you know what? Don't worry about my appearance, okay?

- Worry about hers. - Trust me, Max, okay?

I don't have to worry about hers.

What, the Queen of England is perfect?

She's not from England.

- I thought she was. - No, you didn't.

It's just that England's the only country in Europe you know of.

- Besides, you know, she's been here so long... - What up, Max?

What up? Yeah.

She's been here so long, she's basically been Americanized.

Really?

You Americanize her?

What?

You know, bang her?

Why would I set you up with some girl that I banged?

Share the wealth, brother.

You know? I banged Xena.

I liked the hood and the cape. That's me.

My question to you is, what is wrong with her?

If this girl is so great,

why haven't you banged her yet, Jay?

Neanderthal, she's my editor.

My book is about my ex-girlfriend.

She knows every intimate detail.

So?

Besides, I'm in a mourning period.

I can't even think about another woman.

See? You say shit like that to me,

it makes me seriously question your orientation.

What, you've never been in a mourning period

where you just didn't wanna have sex?

No.

You know what? Maybe this isn't gonna work.

God, lighten up.

You've been away writing a little book in Europe for six months.

Look at me, huh? I've changed.

I'm mature now.

Yeah, I can see that. Lose the toothpick.

What?

Lose the toothpick. It looks ridiculous.

First of all, this is not a toothpick, okay, Mr. Ignorant?

This is an Australian chewing stick.

Ah. Yeah.

See, college boy? I know other countries in Europe.

Yeah, I'm sure you do. Just lose it. It's not her.

No, it's not her. It's me, Jay.

That's why it's in my mouth.

Shut up. Here she comes.

Hold this.

- Hi. - Sam, Max. Max, Sam.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

You like Italian food? A nice chicken parmesan?

Who is it?

Who is it?

I'm coming. Jesus, who is it?

Open the fucking door.

How could you?

How could I what? What time is it?

It's 6:30.

In the morning? What are you doing here?

What was this, huh?

A setup to, what, humiliate me?

What are you talking about?

I have a reputation in this town, Jay.