Fresh Off the Boat

Big windows, lots of light, finished basement.

Why has this place been sitting on the market so long?

_

It's a buyer's market, as we have discovered.

Tough time to sell.

Is that why you reduced the price several times?

_

_

You're really getting a steal.

Oh, I saw the patchwork in the basement.

You have termite trouble?

_

Termites?

Well, this house is such a hospitable environment,

who wouldn't want to live here?

So, what do you say?

You know, you've done a good job renovating,

and it's a great deal, so...

- I'll take it. - Oh!

Ooh, yeah!

Smart!

You and your family will be very, very happy here.

Oh. Oh, no. I'm not gonna live here.

I'm gonna rent it out.

In this market, renting's where the real money's at.

This place is gonna pay for itself a dozen times over.

- Get out of my house! - All right!

Bye-bye.

S02E21 Rent Day

_

_

Jessica, we've been trying to sell this house for months.

We've been through Halloween vandals,

black mold, termites.

Exactly.

And after all that, we're only gonna break even.

We're supposed to make money on this house.

And if we rent it out, we will.

"We" rent it out?

That man was right.

Why buy a sickly cow and fatten it up

and then sell it for beans?

No.

You milk that cow every month...

for 300 years.

But we don't know anything about being landlords.

You have to find tenants, hire a real-estate attorney,

contracts, credit checks, handyman...

Eh, that's all fluff.

We just need to find the right tenants.

I will take care of everything.

All you have to do is sit back

and let the rent checks roll in.

Oh, I love doing crosswords with you.

Such a great way for us to spend time together.

Dad! We found the missing TV remote!

Oh, thank God. These are so boring.

Where was it?

This was a tough case.

Some remotes don't want to be found.

First, we had to rule out the obvious suspects...

Couch cushions, the magazine holder in the bathroom,

Grandma... But they all checked out.

So where was it?

You left it in the pantry.

The... pantry? That's... odd.

I...don't go in the pantry.

I believe you do go in the pantry...

To cry after you watch a certain movie called "Babe."

"That'll do, pig.

That'll do."

Well you found the remote.

Thank you.

Here's a little something for your trouble.

Thanks, but we don't do it for the money.

We do it for justice.

But w-we'll take the money, though.

Another cased solved by The Huang Boys...

A perfect nine for nine.

Tell your friends.

"Tell your friends."

Yo, Dad, since you're handing out free money,

this is the Ironman watch, and I need it on my body.

It has a lap timer, a stainlesssteel case back,

and it's water-resistant up to 100 meters.

Aaaaaaaah!

Ohhh.

So you're a watch guy, like your old man.

I remember my first...

Gold Casio, mini calculator, programmable alarm.

You should have seen it.

Oh, wait. You can see it.

Because it's right here.

Ah. Listen to her sing.

That's the gentle tweeting of a punctual robot bird.

I knew you'd feel me, Dad.

So, want to give me cash or...

Oh.

So... why should I rent to you?

Because I'm a family man, and my kids come first.

I work for a nonprofit.

I served three tours in the Navy,

and I'm now teaching...

I'm Jordan. This is my wife, Raquel.

We filled out your application

and included our college transcripts and LSAT scores.

Hope that's okay.

LSATs? So you're lawyers?

Well, we're not in law anymore.

We're in medicine now. It's just much more lucrative.

I suppose it is.

Um, okay. No pets?

Nonsmokers?

No weekend jazz bands?

You seem perfect.

A little too perfect.

Sweetie...

she deserves to know.

I knew it. What is it?

We never want to have kids.

Father, I'd just like to follow up

on our conversation yesterday.

You're very close to me right now.

While I explained the benefits of watch ownership,

I didn't tell you all the ways

that not having a watch is ruining my life.

Could you just back up an inch?

When we're ordering pizza,

I have no idea if it takes 30 minutes or less.

I'm like, "You're late."

The guy's like, "Where's your proof?"

And I'm like, "Right here.

Oh."

Eddie, don't make everything about pizza.

This is about responsibility.

I know if I buy you that watch,

you'll wear it for one day, then toss it aside.

I promise I won't.

I'll tell you what...

If you can take care of my watch for one week

and prove to me that you're responsible,

then maybe I'll think about buying you an Ironman watch.

Yes! Deal!

Now, let me just give you a quick lay of the land.

Watch out for her light. It's a little fickle.

She feeds on arm hair, so be careful.

The 7 button on the calculator is broken,

so you have to add the 3 and 4 first.

Or 2 and 5. However you want to do it.

I don't want to micromanage that.

Or 8 minus 1. Whatever. User's choice.

You get a Chipwich, and you get a Chipwich!

Do you know why it is raining Chipwiches?

Because I just found us the perfect renters.

You did?

Just deposited their check in my account.

I'll write you both checks for your share!

_

This is my money that I earned.

It's not Marvin's money. It's my money.

I got Honey money.

Good thing I convinced you both to invest in the property

and convinced you both to rent it out,

because I'm a visionary.

Oprah.

Gayles.

Huang residence.

Is this Mrs. Huang?

Yes, this is she.

I'm calling to inform you

that the check you just deposited bounced.

What?

I don't understand.

I know it's confusing.

The word "bounce" seems so positive...

Like Tigger.

I don't understand

how my ear appointment can be approaching.

It feels like it was just yesterday.

Okay, well, bye.

Come on, come on. Write our checks.

Yes.

Yes.

Your checks. Ha ha.

Here... you...

Go.

Yes! Thank you.

_

Oh!

- Hi, Jessica. - Hey.

Hi. So, there's been some kind of a mistake.

The bank called yesterday,

and they said that your check bounced.

Oh, you know why?

That's probably because there's no money in our account.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's for sure it.

Yeah.

What do you mean, you have no money?

- Eh... - Buh...

It's kind of a long story.