Melissa & Joey

"melissa & joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Sis, tell your driver not to go down third street

Because the snow plows never go that way.

Yes, I am a city councilperson,

But I have no pull with big plow.

It's pretty slick getting joe off to the airport

An hour before our mom shows up.

By now, joe is on a plane on his way to jersey

With no idea that the woman who helped destroy his career

Is on her way here.

I hate lying to a friend.

But I am so good at it.

Ah ah ah! No hanging ornaments

Until meredith gets here.

Check the list.

We have to do everything on your christmas list

Yes, because it will make all the christmas fun go smoother.

You know, your mom only gets two days away from prison.

I want her to relax.

Yeah, 'cause nothing will take her mind off prison

Like strictly scheduled meals and recreation times.

Wait, you put "meredith" on her stocking?

Did I spell it right?

It should be spelled "mom."

As in mom.

Hey, her cab's here.

Back up back up back up back up.

Okay. We can all yell out when she comes in.

All: Merry chri--

Joe, what the hell?!

Yeah, "merry chri--" back at you.

Airport's snowed in. All the flights are grounded.

Well, that just spoils everything.

For you, not for us.

We're happy to have you here.

Unless you don't want to be here.

Just kidding. Merry christmas.

But really, you can go.

Yo, don't take your coat off.

- Why not? - Because as much as we'd love to have you here,

I just have a feeling those airports are gonna open any minute now.

Burke, the only thing flying out of here tonight's

- Gonna be reindeer. Trust me. - ( brakes squeak )

Hey, a cab just pulled up. Are you guys expecting someone?

- Santa. - Pizza.

Santa with pizza. Santa pizza.

They make the crust out of fruitcake. It's terrible.

Why don't you just wait upstairs in your room for two days.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

What the hell is going on here?

Aunt mel, just give it up.

All right? It's over.

Uh, joe? Here.

You guys made me a stocking?

Aww.

That says "meredith"?

Wait a minute, the meredith?

Jailbird meredith?

Half the team that ruined my life meredith?

I didn't have enough glitter for all that.

How did she get out of prison?

It's just a two day christmas furlough.

No, I would have remembered that. Kind of the way

You remember a repeated stabbing in your back.

How could you keep this from me?

Oh, it wasn't easy, but I think I did a pretty good job.

I was just trying to protect your feelings.

Uh, she's paying the driver.

Is she? Probably with some of my money.

Okay, look. You've got to control yourself.

This visit is very important to my sister.

I know. And she has such a difficult life, you know?

Getting those wonderful visits from her children once a month

At the country club where they

Force her to do pilates and watch premium cable.

You know, there is a waiting list to get into that prison.

Just get it all out now before she knocks on the door.

- ( knocking on door ) - okay, you're done.

Get in the christmas spirit or I'll cut you.

Hello, kids!

- Hey, mom! - Mom!

Come here. Ohh!

Get in here smelly melly.

Okay. And don't call me that.

Oh, this is gonna be the best christmas ever.

What the hell is longo doing here?

Surprise.

You said he was gonna be in new jersey

With the rest of the housewives.

Now that you're out of the joint,

Does that mean a sad bank robber

Won't be getting his secret santa this year?

Okay, you two.

Hey, when life gives you lemons--

Yeah, well speaking as the lemon,

Who's been squeezed dry,

I'll be upstairs in my room.

Merry christmas.

Oh, that's a nice anklet by the way.

What is that, a 24-karat g.P.S.?

Look, joe, I know it's tough seeing meredith.

It brings up a lot of bad memories...

That's good, joe. Grunt it all out.

But just so you're aware, it is christmas eve,

And knowing that the grinch is up here doing his angry curls

Is kind of killing the mood down in whoville.

Ha ha. That's so funny, I'm still poor.

Look, you're not the only one with meredith issues.

All of our lives she always got what she wanted,

And she always got it first.

The boobs, the rachel haircut,

And then the husband.

She always rubbed my nose in it.

Well, not the boobs, but everything else.

Yeah, but your sister is not one-upping you anymore, all right?

My life is ruined right now.

So is hers.

She hardly gets to see her kids

And she almost never gets to go shopping.

I mean, doesn't any of her pain

Make you feel a little more christmasy?

A little.

It would help me if she was missing a couple of teeth.

okay, so you'll come downstairs and join us

And put your resentment away for two days?

Oh no, I couldn't come downstairs now even if I wanted to.

- What? - I gotta do my left side.

I don't want to get all uneven.

Hey, remember when we were little, melly,

You used to love to watch me make these?

You know, I actually made this gingerbread myself.

'cause I can use the oven now.

It's not bad for a first try.

It just takes practice...

Or skill.

Right. But it's not a competition.

Um, you know what? Why don't I just get

You guys some more gingerbread

With this random oven mitt.

Oh, what does that say? Councilwoman mel burke.

that's me.

Okay, who needs another gingerbread wall?

We're good.

Okay.

Let's see, maybe I can pipe the doors?

Already iced.

Is there anything I can do at all?

Oh yes.

We need you over here for a family photo...

...Of me and my beautiful children.

Oh. Sure.

A picture with me not in it.

- Say "jolly." - ( camera clicks )

All right. Here I am...

Downstairs as requested.

We're making gingerbread houses.

Yeah, my mom's the master.

Oh, it's so true.

Yeah. She'll show you how it's done, joe.

I mean check out this one she made.

Yeah. Isn't it beautiful, longo?

Yeah, it is. Maybe there's a room above the garage

That I could afford.

'cause I have a lot of ginger, but no bread.

Remember, we're dropping these houses off

At the children's hospital later,

So let's try to fill them with love

And not bitterness, because bitterness isn't yummy.

And my kid sister is an expert on bitterness.

What?

I said you were an expert.

While I let you two hash that out,

I think I'll build a house over here in this

Where all the gingerbread men had to go

Who had to start over.

Wait, joe, that's not how it's done.

You can't use those walls.

Oh, I think I can.

Fine. But they're way too hot.

They're just gonna melt the icing.

If I were you, I'd just be patient

I don't know if these walls are ever gonna cool down.

Oh, they will if they want to.

This wall has had a lot taken away from it--

Its money, its house,

Its porsche.

As a matter of fact, the only thing this wall has left is...

Its amazing good looks.

Man, even I get this.

How about we skip to the next fun activity on the list.

Let's see... Ooh.

"decorating the tree."

great idea.

How does she do it?

You know, joe, can we just--

Can we clear the air?

You somehow think that I am responsible

You know, this gingerbread was about to cool down,

And you had to go cranking up the oven again.

You know, what happened at the company?