Father Brown

You have been listening to Up To You,

with Barney Butterfield asking the questions,

and Joyce Merriman tickling the ivories.

The announcer was Richie Queenan, and the producer is Harold James.

Ta-ra, folks, thanks for coming, thanks for listening,

hope you can join us next week!

But at the end of the day, remember, it's...

Up to you!

This is the BBC Light Programme.

By 'eck, where do we get these audiences from?

I've had more laughs in a mausoleum.

Well, they did seem to warm up towards the end.

Yes, by the final round, they were practically tepid.

Ay-up, Jacob!

Do you fancy a quick pork pie and a pint at the Pig and Whistle?

No, thank you. I've come to introduce your new producer.

What?!

As Harold is back at the sanatorium.

Oh, how exciting!

I always love it when we get a new man.

Someone to take under our wing, as it were.

If you'd like to come through.

Ah, hello. M-my name is Juh-Juh-Jeremy.

Is the "Juh-Juh" part of it?

N-n-no.

Jeremy's been working in current affairs,

but he's got some marvellous ideas for the new series.

W-w-well, I thought we could take the show on the road.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a quiz show that went down

the highways and byways, shining a light on our sceptred isle?

- No, it wouldn't. - Sorry?

I spent six years in variety,

staying in boarding houses that stunk of cabbage.

But I'm a big star now, so the folk come to see me.

Y-yes, yes, but this is the BBC, we have to reach out.

Nation shall speak peace unto nation.

Oh, yeah. Well, I'll speak to 'em,

but I'm not going any further than Muswell Hill.

Barney, this is not a request. It's an edict.

The show either has to evolve, or die.

Fine!

Then it should die!

And without me, the BBC is going to die!

And you're the one that killed it.

Oh!

Look, it's really not that bad. It's not...

Welcome to show business!

Mrs McCarthy.

I was hoping to have a word about next week's confirmation class.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm on a very tight schedule.

I thought you said you had a day off. Something about jam-making.

Yes, well, change of plan.

Actually, I'm seeing a gentleman

from the British Broadcasting Corporation.

Would that have anything to do with the quiz coming to Kembleford?

Yes, it would.

They're conducting some heats in the village hall to find contestants.

Well...

I shall be very glad to give you some moral support.

Excellent!

- Morning! - Morning.

Good morning.

Holy Mother! I had no idea there would be so many.

I imagine they all read it in the parish magazine.

Although I was surprised you put it on page six, in such small print.

Yes, well, I didn't think there'd be much interest.

But I stand corrected.

Morning.

Mrs Rudge.

Are you here for the quiz?

That's right.

I've got them all staying at my boarding house.

That Barney Butterfield.

Though he's about as funny as a kidney stone,

if you want my opinion.

And her that plays the piano...

Well, she thumps on it, with her fat fingers. Ha!

Somebody's brought a lot of sandwiches.

My cat's just had a litter.

I won't be able to look after them all,

so I thought, "I'll bring 'em along, see if I can sell 'em."

- Yes, well, unfortunately, I'm allergic. - Ah.

Mrs M! Father!

Oh, kitties!

Careful! They're worth a lot of money.

What are you doing here? Are you thinking of...?

Oh, yes, I've applied to be a contestant.

Oh, well, good luck with that.

What do you mean?

I think if you want to win a BBC quiz,

you need to know that Karl Marx is no relation of Groucho's.

I know more than you think.

Don't I, little kitty?

Ah, well, it's good to see so many of you.

Um... We're now going to whittle you down to just two people,

who'll play the show for real o-o-on Sunday.

So, er, come this way.

That's half a crown.

Thank you very much, Joyce. Very nice, thank you very much.

And this section of the programme is called "Where In The World?".

So, Sergeant Goodfellow.

Yes.

Where in the world would you find Lake Titicaca?

Titi... Titi...

- It's on the tip of my tongue. - I don't think it is, you know!

Is it in Africa?

I'm afraid not.

Let's hope they don't send you there on a case, Sergeant.

No, it's in South America.

So, Mrs McCarthy.

Oh, yes. Hello.

Hello. Where in the world would you find Macgillycuddy's Reeks?

County... Oh, sorry.

County Kerry, near Killarney, on the west coast of Ireland.

Correct!

And your Irish eyes may be smiling,

because you could be going through to the final.

Miss Windermere?

Yes.

Where would I find the world-famous Segantini Museum?

St Moritz, Switzerland.

Well done, have you been?

Oh, no, not inside it, although I have skied past it.

Well, you might be skiing right into our final.

Let's just hope that you don't meet an avalanche along the way.

Now, then, Mrs Rudge.

What?

Mrs Rudge. Where in the world would you find Tutankhamen?

I know that!

It's in Egypt.

I'm afraid not, it's in South London.

Tooting Common -- it's near Balham.

You did not say Tooting Common,

you said Tutankhamen!

I know what I said, Mrs Rudge.

Maybe we could get you an 'earing aid as a consolation, eh?

Gosh. Should I step in?

Don't you dare.

We always pull out the old Tutankhamen stunt when there's

a dreary contestant we want to get rid of.

What?!

Well, I'm fed up staying in her dingy boarding house

with cold showers, disgusting food and a faint smell of pussy.

But this is the BBC. What about our integrity?

This show gets 15 million listeners.

They really don't tune in for the integrity.

I can't keep asking you questions till you get one right!

It's not fair. You talk too fast.

Well, we can't all be winners, can we?

So, please can we have a nice big round of applause for

Sergeant Goodfellow and Mrs Rudge?

You can clap all you like, the show's a fix.

Richie, what are the scores, then? Richie?

At the end of that exciting heat,

we say a sad toodle-oo to Sergeant Goodfellow and Mrs Rudge,

but a big here-we-go to Miss Windermere and Mrs McCarthy.

Ladies?

Which means the ladies will be appearing here,

live to the nation, on Sunday night!

I also misheard your question.

Would you like me to have a word?

I can fight my own battles, thank you.

What goes around comes around.

So, um...

- Bunty. - Bunty, yes.

You were so... confident. I don't know how you do it.

Oh, I just open my mouth and see what comes out.

Gosh.

Erm, well, I'm new to the area.

I was hoping someone could show me around.

Yes, of course.

Is anybody doing anything nice this evening?

I shall go in search of debauchery.

I may be gone for some time.

I'm m-m-meeting a girl.

Is she f-f-female?

Pay no attention. You run along and meet your female.

I'm sure you'll get on like a house on fire.

Right, then, I'm off to bell-ringing.

I've lit the fire so you won't be too nippy.

And I've locked them kittens in the back room,

so they won't be under your feet.

Are you not eating? Well, I don't blame you.

Them ballgowns you wear show every little detail.

And you want to do something with your hair

if you're meeting a lady friend.

Mind you, at least you've got some.

Oh, and I found your diary. Very entertaining.

Where did you find...?

It were under your pillow.

You really should keep it better hidden.

Some of the muck in there... Gah!

Have a lovely evening, everyone.

What a woman, eh?

I'd give her a dirty look...

.. but she's already got one.

Y-yes, she's driving us all round the bend.

Well, if it's that bad, you could always come and stay chez moi.

What?

Oh... no, no, I have to stay with my cast.