Alarmoty in the Land of Fire (El-Qarmuti fi Ardh el-Nar)

-Where does Mr. Armouti live, son? -In that house.

Are you here to catch him?

Hang on.

Has Uncle Armouti bought a new TV?

-Yeah, and it's 3D as well. -3D as well?

-Mom! Mom! Mom! -What do you want, boy?

-Did someone hit you? -No, Mom.

Uncle Armouti bought a new TV and it's 3D as well.

3D?

Congratulations. What's happened?

Armouti bought a new TV and it's 3D as well.

3D?

Why are you cheering, Um Mahmoud?

Armouti bought a new TV and it's 3D as well.

-3D? -Yes.

Armouti bought a new TV and it's 3D as well.

-I'll see the picture outside the TV? -Put the glasses on and you'll see.

God's blessings!

I'm right in the middle of the action!

How lovely! How lovely! I want to be in the action with you.

Are you out of your mind? Don't stress me out, the man is still here.

Thanks very much for your efforts

and especially for the fuss you made in the street.

Now everybody knows about my 3D TV!

Don't forget to tell the juice seller on the corner that I bought a 3D TV.

Did you have to tell the whole street about the 3D TV?

We don't want them to envy us!

-Give me the other glasses. -Wait, woman!

Do you really want to watch it before I check it out?

-There could be some obscenity. -What do you mean?

Isn't it a 3D TV that shows 3D movies?

I should watch it with two pairs of glasses first

because 3D with 3D will be 6D

and we must maintain a good reputation. Don't get on my nerves.

God! Go and make breakfast and I’ll do the censorship.

Okay.

How lovely to watch it in 3D.

They're surrounded by fire.

Goodness!

It's as if it's real!

My goodness!

It's as if we're surrounded by fire.

You're the boss And you teach us everything

Armouti the boss And you teach us everything

We don't talk in your presence

What is this? It's full 3D!

Sound and visual effects, and smell effects!

China has done it all!

My God! My God! Help!

It's also in surround sound!

You can really feel it coming from behind! Wonderful!

The house is on fire, Armouti! The fire's gonna get me!

Help me, Armouti! Help me!

What's going on, woman?

-Help me! -God damn!

Is the house really on fire or what?

You must have messed with the remote behind my back.

Help!

Open up, Armouti!

Calm down, woman. Wait, people!

Get me out of here, Armouti, the fire will get me.

-Where's the 3D? -Open up, Armouti!

Fire station. One, eight, zero. One, eight, zero.

Fire!

I'm coming, calm down, woman.

Dear God!

Dear God! Help Narges.

Help Narges inside.

The 3D TV set the apartment on fire. Help Narges.

Hello? Fire station? We have a fire, please.

The address? Write it down quickly. Write it down.

No need to hurry, the fire just started.

It's fine, dear, you escaped the fire.

People envied us.

It was the envy!

Did you tell your sister about the 3D TV?

I told her briefly.

Briefly. The apartment lit up briefly.

My God!

You're safe, Armouti. We put out the fire, thank God.

Did you put it out for free?

You ruined my grandfather's coat which witnessed the third world war in Russia.

It was hit by two RPG’s and didn't get damaged like that.

You want to be helpful and put out a fire? Bring your own blanket.

I'll never get involved in a fire again.

Is there another fire in the area or what?

Is the place on fire or what, people?

Somebody called about a fire?

I did, sir. But that was two hours ago.

-Where's the fire then? I don't see it. -We put it out. We could hardly wait.

Then that's a false notification and disturbance to the authorities.

Why, sir?

Because you said there was a fire when there wasn't a fire.

Should we have waited?

You wanted to take fingerprints after the building had been burnt to a crisp?

Are you joking? That's another crime.

It's a crime to joke with the authorities?

Pay 500 pounds, or I'll call the police.

We wouldn't want the authorities calling the authorities! I'll get you the money.

On top of all our other problems!

Those are the procedures.

-But we're poor! -Pay, then file a complaint.

-I'll complain to God about my condition. -By God's name!

They come and find the fire had been put out then make me pay 500 pounds,

I'll light it again and then they can put it out.

If he asks about the receipt I'll tell him it got lost in the fire.

Come and put it out now!

-Prepare the shower, woman. -How would I prepare it?

They've said that line a thousand times in the movies.

Just let it go and prepare the shower.

-Why are you going out early? -I'm going for the Friday prayer.

It's 9:30!

The entire neighborhood is at the mosque to collect money for me

because of the fire.

-You'd accept such charity, Armouti? -I'm not going to argue about it.

Hurry up and finish because people are waiting

and I don't want to go like this. Prepare the shower.

The mosque is empty and Minem is still asleep.

Minem. Minem.

Minem!

-Wake up, Minem. -What do you want, Armouti?

Sheik Hassanein hasn't come yet?

It's only 10:00 a.m.

He asked me to come at 9:00 a.m. as he'd collected money for me after the fire.

-Did he not leave anything? -He left an envelope but let me sleep.

I won't let you sleep till you give me the envelope.

Minem.

The envelope, Minem.

-The envelope, Minem. -Good heavens! Here's the envelope. Here!

God bless you, Sheikh Hassanein.

Dear God! Good heavens!

Good heavens! No tens or twenties?

What's this? Shillings?

Did he collect from the days of the Cairo fire?

It was my apartment that caught fire, Uncle Minem.

But thank God, I will stay polite.

Thank God. God bless you, Sheikh Hassanein.

Go to sleep, you're done.

Peace be upon you.

I hope you're well.

Don't worry, we will do what's necessary.

Goodbye. Peace be upon you.

What's going on, Uncle Minem?

Sheikh Hassanein, the preacher, is very sick and can't preach this week.

Only God Almighty can provide strength! God bless you, Sheikh Hassanein.

He must've gotten tired from collecting all that change.

I'll go to another mosque for the Friday prayer then.

Wait, Armouti.

We can't close the mosque doors in the faces of the worshippers.

We can't pray without the Friday sermon, Minem.

-Peace be upon you. -Peace be upon you.

What's going on?

Sheikh Hassanein is sick and we don't know... Are you from around here?

It's not complicated. Any one of us can preach.

What do you mean by that? It's a big responsibility.

I'll go pray in another mosque.

I'm the owner of this building so I have the right to preach.

You have the right to preach because you're owner of the building?

That's nonsense.

I've been here a long time and I know all the Friday sermons by heart.

It's not about what you've memorized, Minem!

I've had the Quran memorized since I was a child.

I never thought about giving the Friday sermon, that isn't how things work.

Me and Hasabo are going on vacation. We're going to Marsa Matrouh.

Marsa Matrouh? I hope you have a good time.

But I'll have to ask Armouti first in case he needs the bag.

He wants to take me to Ras Shitan.

Ras Shitan? What are you talking about?

You haven't been anywhere since you got married.

Who told you that?

He takes me to WiFi locations

and not your usual local places.

Whatever! Listen to me and go get dressed.

The kids love you very much.

Armouti takes me to seven-star hotels.

Praise be to God!

Praise be to God who perfected everything which He created.

And God's blessings on the best of created beings,

Prophet of the nation, Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him.

-Peace be upon him. -Peace be upon him.

Who was sent as a mercy to the world.

Having said so...

Come on, girl!

I don't want to think that I'm going to Matrouh,

and then Armouti takes me to Sahl Hashish.

Whatever, sister. Think however you want.

When Armouti comes we'll start nagging, you and me and Hassab and the kids.

We'll nag and nag and nag.

We are in a time of temptation and heresy.

Everything in our life has become heresy.

The internet is heresy. Cell phones are heresy.

Isn't that a cell phone?

Cable is heresy. They are all a sin.

Valentine's Day is heresy.

He doesn't want us to be happy!

Don't interrupt him and you'll get the prayers' reward.

This is a temporary preacher until Sheikh Hassanein gets back.

Is that a temporary procedure as well or what?

-Confess the Oneness of Allah, people! -There is no God but God!

What happened today is not acceptable, people.