Peter Kay's Car Share

Please make a U-turn.

I don't think you know where you're going, you, love.

You're taking me all over the bloody place.

Immediately make a U-turn.

I can't do a U-turn, I'm in the middle of the road, love.

Please turn right and make a U-turn.

It's not that one.

The route is being calculated.

Where are we going?!

- Where's this now? - Prepare to turn right.

OK. I'm prepared. I'm prepared.

I've been round here twice.

- Now, turn right. - This is ridiculous, this.

Please follow the road for three-quarters of a mile.

Yeah. I've passed these houses twice.

That dog were a bloody puppy.

Now where are we? Absolute piss-take.

The route is being calculated.

Oh, me and you are going to fall out.

I'll tell you that right now.

It'd be easier to pull into the garage and get a bloody map.

Now, turn right.

- (HONKS HORN) - just wait there.

Whoa!

- Play the game. - Please make a U-turn.

Last chance.

Please turn left at the end of the road

and then immediately turn left.

You have reached your destination.

Well, this is a dead end! I can't go down here.

Now, go straight.

Oh, you're off your tits.

Right, well, if this isn't it, she can bloody walk to work.

You have reached your destination.

Finally.

This is it.

What's up?

You sulking now, are you?

(DOORBELL RINGS TO TUNE 'OF SINGLE LADIES BY BEYONCE)

- Hi! - Hi there, you all right?

Did you find me all right?

- Not a bother, straight to the door. - Coolio.

- I'm actually a bit nervous. - Hmm?

I've never been in a car with a stranger before.

Well, I know you're not a stranger, but you know what I mean.

Mmm.

- Do you mind if I turn the radio on? - Go for it.

Let me bring in Colin, because I believe you have a mantra.

I love this!

So do you think this car-share thingy's going to work?

Not if we have to listen to this every day.

I love Forever FM.

They play timeless hits, now and for ever.

I wouldn't say Martika's Kitchen was timeless.

Well, you remembered it.

So why do you think they're doing this?

Doing what?

Car sharing.

Oh. Apparently it's good for the environment.

That and the fact we haven't got enough car park spaces at work.

Here, stick your drink in there.

Watch yourself, it doesn't fit all cups -

don't force it. Ah!

You're having a laugh!

- You're having a laugh! - I'm so sorry!

I'm mortified, john. I'm... It's not a good start, is it?

No, it's not a good start, not at all.

Not at all a good start.

Oh... what is it? Red Bull?

Is it Red Bull? Fennel? Sweet and sour?

It smells of sweet and sour. What is it?

It's just a sample.

A sample? A sample of what?

My urine.

It's in my mouth! It's in my mouth!

I've got your piss in my mouth.

- I'm so sorry. - What is happening?

Why have you got a sample in that?

That's why it's called a sample, you put it in a sample pot, love,

you don't put it in a pop bottle

- with a sports top. - I'm sorry.

I had no choice - our Keiron's taken my funnel to Basra.

Ugh! Too much. Oh, my God, I stink.

That explains the sweet and sour, doesn't it? You dirty...

I'm not dirty, thank you very much, john.

I use a funnel for hygiene reasons,

- so it doesn't go on my hands. - I don't need to know that!

It's all right for you, you can just aim.

40 minutes I was squatting through Daybreak.

Oh, my God, I don't believe this.

Turn round, I'll go back and I'll dry your shirt in my dryer.

I've no time for that!

I've got an appraisal at half nine

with Dave Thompson and I walk in stinking like a gents' piss stones.

At Clear Vista Windows,

we're shattering prices on our uPVC windows and doors,

and smashing the cost of our cosy conservatories...

And did you?

Did I what?

Run the world?

You have to guess who it is. This is so easy, Katie.

- Can you put them in the toaster? - Absolutely. Here we go.

So then, in the toaster this morning we have a major Hollywood star...

- Nearly dry. - Aye, still stinks, though.

It's making me hungry.

How am I going to explain the smell?

You could say you got mugged.

Mugged?

What kind of a sick mugger throws piss on you?

You could wear my cardi.

I'll pass, thanks.

Looking OK so far this morning - there are a few things to mention, though.

On the M60 at junction 3, we've got a few delays

because of a broken-down car.

It is just being recovered now, so hopefully that will be sorted soon.

The M6, we've got roadworks there,

heading northbound between junction 22 and 24.

So a bit of a queue there. It will add about 20 minutes

onto your journey, particularly if you're using the M6 there.

And in the city, Luke Street

is closed this week, so delays around the Blackhurst area...

- Nearly dry. - Is it? Very good.

Are you going on holiday this year?

- No. - Did you go anywhere last year?

- No. - Year before?

No.

Blooming heck, you don't get out much, do you?

I've been busy working, all right?

I went away the year before, if you must know.

Where did you go?

- Malta. - Oh, nice, did you go to Bu-jEE-bah?

- BU-ji-bah. - Bu-jEE-bah.

- BU-ji-bah. - BU-ji-bah.

Yes, I did.

Who did you go there with?

Er... I went with my ex.

- Do I know him? - Him?!

- Does he work at our place? - "He"?! "He"?!

Sorry! I thought you were gay.

Gay?

I'm not gay in any sense of the word, right?

OK.

Fair enough.

Touched a nerve.

What made you think I were gay?

Well, you're always on your own.

- 'Kin hell! And? - And you live with your mum, don't you?

No, I... No, I do not live with my mum, thank you.

Well, it's Diane off non-foods, she said you were gay.

Did she? Did she indeed? Well, I'll be having bloody words

with Diane off non-foods, casting aspersions.

Oh, don't say I said anything. It was at the Christmas party last year

and you got up to I Am What I Am.

And?!

And you were dancing a bit too enthusiastically.

Mother of pearl! The world's gone mad,

when a man can't dance to Gloria Gaynor without being accused

- of being a 'omosexual. - A what? An 'omosexual?

It's homosexual, john.

Christ, I can't even speak now.

Don't be telling Diane, she'll be telling everyone

- I'm a big gay mute next. - All right,

- Freddie, keep your vest on. - Freddie?

Mercury. Sat there in your gay man's vest.

And whose fault's that? Throwing your piss all over me.

State of this.

There you go, it's perfect, that. Good as new.

Apart from the clearly obvious piss stain.

- Say it's coffee. - Yellow coffee?

Custard?

Mustard?

Korma?

Just pull your jacket to, you won't see it.

I did me best.

Thank you.

Apology accepted.

So what was she called, your ex?

She, she was called Charlotte.

That's a nice name.

Were you with her for long?

Long enough.

Did she break your heart?

Were you gutted? Do you still speak to her or do we hate her now?

I appreciate your interest, Kayleigh, but some other time, eh?

I've enough on my mind today. Covered in piss.

Understood, Jonathan.

Lancashire Scrap Metal, for all your scrap needs,

whatever the weather.

All we need.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This bugs me now, look at this.

Adult crossing here. It's a kids' crossing.

He's on his own. He's no kids.

Chancer! Shouldn't be allowed.

Judas.

I must remember to pick up some Mach 3 for our Keiron.

Who's that, your boyfriend?

No, my brother.

Oh, right. Does he live with you?

Yeah, on and off. He's in the Army, so he's away a lot.