New Girl

Hey, look who it is! It's Schmidt. And...

This is Barb. Barb is leaving.

Oh, Barb. Like the elephant.

That's Babar, you dum-dum.

Barbara. A little potassium pick-me-up?

Since I know sleeping wasn't

the main activity of the night.

Thin walls. Just kidding. They're very thick.

You're just so loud!

- You have a lot of roommates. - So many of 'em. That's great.

- Bye, Barb. - Bye, Barb.

Bye, Schmidt.

That was the third piece of nanny

- this week, am I right? - Sure is.

Little shop talk from someone who's also out there

trying to crush butt herself.

Um, where are you meeting all

these eligible singles, these, uh, elly-sings?

- Dice. - Hmm?

- It's kind of like Tinder. - Dice and Tinder.

I've been to those bars. They're downtown, right?

Dice is a dating app.

- Dating app. What? - It's not for you.

Schmidty.

Come on. I've Internet dated before.

You send an e-mail, you get excited, you wait, you get an e-mail back.

- You are just describing e-mailing. - Come on.

You're gonna get eaten alive on Dice.

- Do you want to see... - Come on, now.

Do you want to see... This is Dice. Come here.

It's all about split-second decisions, okay?

You see a picture, you swipe down for yes,

- you swipe up for no. - You're so fast.

Instinct. That's what it's about.

Which you don't have.

Now, I'm gonna go do a deep-ass mouthwash.

Don't go on Dice, Jess.

I won't.

Okay, now.

New account.

I am... Darn Tootin' Fun.

DTF.

Seeks same.

I'm Dicing.

You know, I'm really enjoying the police academy,

but, believe it or not,

I am not clicking socially with the other cadets.

- What? Weird. - Oh, my God.

- No. - That's crazy.

- That is super shocking news. - I can't wrap my head around that.

- That just doesn't add up. - Everyone's got a nickname but me.

Yo, Swoops! What up, Gunner?

Hey, Winston Bishop.

Why don't you just go ask them

if you can hang out with them sometime?

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

Just invite myself? Now, that's just rude.

Winnie the Bish wasn't raised to be rude.

Now, save my seat. I got to go make a caca.

I can't believe we're gonna live with a cop.

I mean, can we still do illegal things? Like, I don't know,

what if I want to get stoned or something?

I've actually never gotten stoned before.

- You've never been stoned? - What?

Should I do it before he becomes a cop?

- We could do this. - Really?

We're adults. We can smoke a little weed.

- I think we should do it. - It's been a while.

I pick up stuff really quick.

You can't just pick up pot and be good at it.

Like everything else in life, it takes practice.

Yeah, if pot were a piano, Nick would be a nine year old Chinese girl.

Daddy's here to take care of you. I'm gonna guide you through it.

I'll be your spiritual guru.

And Mommy's got nothing to do this afternoon,

so I'm gonna bake some damn brownies

so we can all freak out.

- Let's do it. - We're getting stoned?

This is like watching a meeting of idiot 12 year olds.

The hell is that? What is that noise?

Your cellular technology.

I haven't gotten a non text message in two years.

Jess?

Hey, uh... So, I Diced

and it was great. Um,

but could I get a ride?

You sure you don't want to hop on for a second?

Do you have a dog, or is this all you?

Which would you prefer?

Schmidt, will you at least just talk to me, please?

He looked nice in his picture.

The frame cut off the bottom of his beard,

so how was I to know it was braided into a beardy tail?

- Mmm. - He asked me

to the food court near his house.

I thought that was down to earth, and I liked that.

He didn't bring any money,

so we had to go back to his apartment.

And also he wanted to show me some of his old baby clothes.

Maybe I'm not ready for Dice.

Will you just help me, please?

I want to get back out there. I have to...

I need to get back out there.

And I know I'm gullible.

'Cause people tell me that,

and I have no reason not to believe them.

Teach me to Dice.

Is that a yes?

Schmidt?

What's happening?

Ah! What the hell?

I will teach you Dice.

Welcome and...

good morning.

- It's weird here in the morning. - It is very sad.

Now, over the next 1,000 minutes,

your notions of dating will be challenged.

- Jess, just listen. No notes. - I'm sorry.

You put notebooks and pens on the table,

- so I thought... - I totally get it.

Look, Jess, you're nervous. Would you like some water?

- Oh, thank you. - Of course.

- That's really nice of... - Never show weakness.

Write that down. Now, you're on Dice

and this hunk shows up.

Hubba hubba, mama in trubba.

Don't ever do that again.

Okay. So you find

this man. He looks like a Hemsworth,

if you will.

He swipes down, you swipe down,

you guys set a date. I show up.

Hey, how you doing? I'm Jack Steele.

Hi, Jack.

- Wrong. - Is that our Taboo buzzer?

- Not important. Why did I buzz? - Do you think you could

just return it to the box when you're done?

The reason I buzzed is because I look nothing like this person.

Look at this. There's a sun-kissed sweetie.

I am a rugged Semitic prince.

- I thought we were role playing. - Role playing?

What about this feels like a game to you?

Ooh, I got a Dice match.

Jacob.

He has dreamy eyes.

- Them's joint bank account eyes. - Okay,

if you're saying things like "dreamy eyes" to my face,

we have more work to do than the Kings of Leon.

Good band, but it feels like they are stuck in one place musically.

Well, I have a good feeling about this guy.

- Okay. - I'm gonna ask him out.

Hey.

You're not ready yet.

I'm s... I'm sorry about your phone.

I'm sure you have the protection plan.

I do have the...

Never get the protection plan!

The oceans are very wild.

No man or piece of scientific technology

has ever been to the bottom of the ocean.

- Titanic did. - Uh, Titanic sunk down there,

but that's not to the bottom.

No, the man who made Titanic did.

I don't know what Manhoo is, but...

You guys seem a lot higher than me.

Well, it hits everybody at different times, Hoss.

But it's coming for you.

My people!

Time to rally, everybody. We are going to a party.

I took Cece's advice and decided to invite myself

to hang out with some of the other guys,

and I think y'all should roll with.

Make me look cooler.

I'll totally go to a party on your butt.

What?

No. No.

Now, that is a humorous image.

What?

- But, seriously, you have to go. - Oh, no, no, no, no.

Know-know what? We're gonna go.

We're gonna go.

- Okay. - We're gonna go.

We're gonna go. We're gonna go.

- You're gonna go? - Hey, we're gonna go.

We're gonna go.

- We're gonna go. - Right on, right on.

Well, then we'll go.

Yeah.

You guys are way too messed up to be going.

You're not an expert. I am.

Nobody knows we're stoned.

If we didn't go, then they would know.

You're saying that be...

if we don't go to the party,

they're gonna think that we're high.

Oh, the guy who's never done weed.

That's not the proper term. It's "smoked weed."

You don't "do weed." That's a test.

- You said it. - Listen to me,

first order of business, we eat their food.