Joe's College Road Trip

Why, hello there, boys and girls.

We'd like to introduce you to a dying breed.

This is Joseph "KP" Simmons,

otherwise known as Joe.

Joe was born in 1937 and is 89 years old.

He is what one might call an endangered Negro species.

They certainly don't make them like this anymore.

As a matter of fact, Joe was even once a pimp.

Doesn't he look swell?

Why a pimp, you ask?

Well, Joe only received a third-grade education,

and with his extremely limited vocabulary, he couldn't work at Amazon.

For instance, in what you're about to witness,

he says the word "motherfucker,"

or in his colloquial language, "muthafucka,"

approximately 76 times.

He says the word "pussy" approximately 24 times.

He says the n-word approximately 74 times.

And he throws in an occasional "bitch" and "ho" at random, for good measure.

So if you're sensitive to these types of words,

you may want to turn to more wholesome programming,

but you won't laugh as hard.

Yes, boys and girls, get ready to watch an old-school Negro.

A man stuck in time when women couldn't vote

and were constantly objectified by men.

A man who has no idea that the world around him has changed.

A man who says anything that comes to his mind,

and I do mean anything.

Does this sound like someone you may know?

Sit back, relax, and please

brace yourselves for the antics of a dying breed.

- Hey, Steve and Brenda, how are you? - Hi, Brian.

- Good to see you. - You too!

- Karen, Chad, great to see you. - How's it going?

- Good to see you. - Afternoon.

I've got a graduate Gonna be an empty nester

Come on.

- B.J.? - I mean… I know.

B.J.! Hey, Todd, Stewart. I didn't know you guys were here.

- How are you? - Hey, Dad.

Hey, Mr. Simmons.

- What are you guys huddling about? - Ah…

- Well… - Nothing. Nothing, really.

B.J. just got another offer from another school.

Oh, that's great!

I wouldn't really call it a school. It's more like crap.

- It's Morehouse. - Thank you.

- Whoa, hold on. - Thank you.

Morehouse is a great school. It's one of the finest HBCUs there is.

- What are you talking about? - Uh…

HBCU, what is that?

HBCU. Historically Black college and university.

Okay, Dad.

Wait, hold on. What am I missing?

Thanks, Dad, but no thanks. Look, really, it's fine.

No, what am I missing, really?

Okay, it's kind of funny, actually, because we were just talking about this.

- Why is there a need for Black colleges? - Yeah.

I mean, really, what's the point?

- I mean, it's kind of racist, right? - Yeah.

It's racist?

Yeah, like a little bit against us.

I mean, you don't look around and see

historically white colleges and universities, do you?

Yeah, you do.

Every university is a historically white... What are you saying? What's happening?

- Come on, Dad. Seriously… - You guys are pranking me, seriously.

Dad, don't tell me you really subscribe to this stuff.

- I mean... - Hold on.

Dr. Martin Luther King went to Morehouse, huh?

Okay, we will give you the benefit of the doubt,

but I'm sure that this type of institution was important at some point.

- Hm. - Necessary, even.

- But the world's changed now. - Hm.

- A lot's happened. We're all equal. - Yeah.

And all this baggage about civil rights and slavery…

- "Baggage"? - Woe is me!

I mean, you gotta let it go at some point. Like, it was in the past.

Exactly. Hey, you know, aren't we all equal under the law?

You know what? When I was coming, I forgot to tell you.

Your dad's calling you, your mom's calling you.

They want you home. B.J., I need to talk to you.

- I didn't get a call. - That's weird.

- No, I'm fine, Dad. - B.J., I need to talk to you.

Oh, no. No, there's no need to,

because I've actually decided to go to Pepperdine.

Yeah, with my pals.

And get this.

They're gonna drive across country with me to go do a campus visit next week.

- Road trip! Let's go! - Gonna be awesome! California!

- Woo-hoo! - Yes!

- Let's go plan the charging stations now. - You're right.

- I didn't even think about that! Let's go! - Yes!

Yeah! We're going to California, boys!

California!

- We're going to California. - Yeah! Woo! California dreamin'!

Yeah! Woo!

What the hell did I do? This is not good.

B.J., can we just…?

Hey, hey. Hey.

Hey, there, come on in here.

You want some cabbage? Come on in.

Oh, is that what that smell is, huh? No, I'm gonna pass on that. How you doing?

When I used to come home from work,

I didn't know if that was from cooking

or her up there trying to wash her...

Joe, shut the hell up.

What bring you by here? Look at you.

Oh, Madea, wow. You look... You look nice.

You know damn well she don't look nice.

Come up here talking about she look… Shut up. Shit.

I look good as hell all the time.

All the time, I look good as hell.

Shut the hell up. Thank you, Joe.

Hm.

All right, go on, tell me, what the hell you kids do now.

Nothing. I just wanted to come over and say hi to both of you.

No, they done something.

He only come over here when them damn children do something.

Look, I'm too damn old to be trying to pull things out of you.

Go on ahead and tell me, hell.

Fine. You know, B.J.'s going off to college, and…

You know, I walked in on him having the most interesting conversation.

He was sitting with his little white friends, and they were…

That's the problem right there. He got all them damn clear friends.

What are you talking about?

He mean "white."

Okay, all right, clear. I get it, okay.

But you know that I did not raise him to see race.

Here this nigga go with this stupid shit.

You might not have raised him to see race, but when the police look at him,

they gonna see a straight-up nigga.

Can I finish?

Do we have to let you finish?

Okay, so as I said, I walked in on them,

and they're having this conversation about colleges, right?

And he was telling me he doesn't see the need for a historically Black college.

Say what?

He wants to go to Pepperdine in Malibu.

Yeah. Then he went on to talk about how Black people need to get over slavery.

Can you believe that? He said, "Get over slavery."

And the Civil Rights Movement. Then he said, "baggage."

I was like, "What is wrong with this kid?"

I don't even know what's wrong with him.

What? Why are you two so quiet?

Boy, you send that boy to all-clear,

all-white, all-damn-day school.

In Georgia.

He been the only damn Black face up in there since he was a kindervagarber.

And you wonder why he think like that. Shit.

All them clear people done cleared out all his Black thoughts.

All right, but all white people don't think that way.

Listen here, I told you not to send him to that damn P-school.

You know what "P" in the private stand for?

It ain't for "private." It's for "pussy." Pussy school.

Joe, hush that. Don't be saying that word up in here.

You got that boy walking around here like he a big, huge, orange FUPA.

He said, "FU…"

He said, "FUPA." You know what that is? That big, fat, upper…

Never mind.

Mabel know what a FUPA is. Mabel got a dupa.

And you done spent all that money sending that boy to the private school,

and they done took every book about a Negro out of there.

- Didn't they, Joe? - You damn right.

Took every... Ain't a book about Sojourner The Truthers.

They took out Moses, Mayola, everybody. Not even Maya Angelou.

Not even in the room. They don't have Maya Angelou.

She's not in there. That's just wrong. Took all the books out.

Ain't nothing wrong with a public school. I graduated from a pub… Well…

I ain't quite grad... I went to a public school.

And Joe went to a public school too. Hell, look how we turn out.

You damn right I went to public school.

I went to public school all my life, all the way through.

I graduated all the way from the third grade.

B.J. wasn't the toughest kid. He wasn't tough like you two, okay?

I didn't want him to go to a public school and be bullied.

Oh, you didn't? Oh, well, congratulations.

You kept him from being bullied. That's... Congratulations.

You also kept the little motherfucker from being Black. Congratulations.

You a great Black dad. Great Black dad keep his Black kids

from being Black so he don't know if he's Black or not.

That's a good job, son. Good job.

Okay, hold on. There's nothing wrong with me not wanting my kid to be bullied

or beat down, or "Meet me at 3 o'clock," like you guys used to do all the time.

There's nothing wrong with that, okay?

I just wanted him to go to a nice school,

and didn't want him to feel like he was at a disadvantage because he's Black.

Nigga, he is at a disadvantage.

- You know that, hell. - Right.

Whenever you see a Black man with an even playing field?

And if you say sports, I'mma come up there and grab that pot

and burn you with whatever the hell she cooking.

Don't threaten my cabbage. I gotta finish this cabbage.

Don't burn him with this damn cabbage.

You know why she like to eat cabbage? She wanna cover up what she smell like.

Listen, I know that it's not fair out there for some of us.

Did he say, "Some of us"?

He did. Brian, let me ask you something.

Did you ever have "the talk" with him?

No. No, no, no, I didn't.