The Odd Couple

Hey, guys. My manager has a new greeting

that he wants us to say, so...

"Hello. Welcome to Langford's.

"If anyone here is a health inspector,

you are required by law to tell us."

Anyone? No?

Don't order the chili.

Oh, God, look who's here.

Hey!

Oscar Madison.

Rich Eisen. Would you care

to join us? We were just sitting here,

enjoying our full heads of hair.

Nope. I just came down to show you something outside.

Come on. Take a look.

Hurry now.

"Rich Eisen,

number one-rated satellite sports show."

I also wanted it to say, "Oscar Madison is number two. Suck it,"

but there wasn't enough space.

Really? Looks like there's plenty of room on your forehead.

Just so you know, uh, that ad can also be seen

on buses that drive by your apartment, your gym,

and your mom's house.

How do you know where my mom lives?

It's where we have sex.

Crossing a line, Eisen.

I should go. This number one should take a pre-show shower

to wash off the stench of all this number two.

Yeah, that didn't sound right.

All right, emergency staff meeting.

This just became a business lunch.

Seriously?

Which means I'm paying.

- Oh, that's fine by me. - Let's get down to business.

We need to do something to beat Eisen.

You know, shake things up.

Well, people do like funny characters.

We're not bringing back Señor Touchdown.

You sure? "It's a fumble."

How about a remote broadcast? Like from a sports bar.

We could do it here.

That's not a bad idea.

Yeah, you're great at mixing it up with the callers.

Doing it face-to-face might even be better.

That's what I told Eisen's mom.

Which...

would've been a better burn

if he was here.

Well, let me set it up.

You'll be beating Eisen in no time.

Can you believe the nerve of that guy, coming down

to Langford's to taunt me?

- I mean, Langford's is my house. - Right.

Hey.

Oh.

Oh, come on!

I'm just saying, you can never count the Red Sox out!

Oh, please. The Sox haven't had a player

with anything between his legs since Bill Buckner.

Geez, Madison...

why do you have such a problem with the...

Now, that's enough out of you.

Strike three! You're outta here!

Coming up next, we'll talk baseball

with former Met and good friend, Marcus Murphy.

But first... "Did you know

"that one out of four men

suffers from erectile dysfunction?"

Emily, wonderful news.

My weekend photo shoot is canceled,

which means you are cordially invited

to 48 hours of sexy fun.

I hear that Felix the Great might be in town,

using his magic wand to make your underpants disappear.

Cool.

Perhaps you'd prefer my other stage name,

David Cop-a-feel.

I'm sorry,

I'm distracted.

I just spent an hour pawing through the garbage,

looking for a customer's dentures.

The pair I found? Not hers.

Look, Emily, I know that this is not your ideal job,

but you're just doing this to support your jewelry making.

You're pursuing your dream, and I think that's glorious.

Thank you. I needed that.

And I'm really looking forward to this weekend.

I just need to pop out on Saturday

to have lunch with my mom.

Your mother's in town? Why didn't you tell me?

You said that you were going to be busy.

And besides, isn't it too early

for you to meet my mother?

No, I would love to meet your mother.

And I'm sure she'll like me, too.

I bet she will be a real MILF.

Mother In Love with Felix.

Okay, then. I will tell her

that she will be meeting my perfect boyfriend.

Oh, please, don't describe me as perfect.

Let her find out for herself.

And we're back with The Oscar Madison Show,

coming to you live

from Langford's sports bar in New York City.

Sports, sports, sports!

Before I bring out my first guest,

how about a question from the crowd?

Uh, yeah, uh, I didn't take too kindly

to what you were saying about my Red Sox.

Oh, look, everybody:

a Boston fan who's standing upright.

That wasn't a question, pal.

Okay, here's one:

which part of your face you want me to break,

your nose or your nose?

Oh, I see what we need here.

A translator.

Does anybody here speak Idiot?

It's a very specific dialect from the region of Duh.

Screw you, Madison!

Strike three, you're outta here!

I said "strike three." Strike three!

Strike three! Strike three!

Oh, my God.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, come on, pal, let's go, let's go, come on.

Yes, that's right, you get out of here!

Before I introduce you to the violence

that is Jivamukti Yoga.

Hey, buddy. You all right?

Let me help you up.

Ow, ow, my neck!

How many people was that guy?

All right, Dani, we can't have dead air.

Grab the mic and keep the show going.

What? Me? What do I say?

Anything that gets us to the next boner pill commercial.

Just go. Go!

Okay, I'll try.

Uh, hello... hello.

I-I am Dani Duncan.

Um, for those of you listening, we just had a little scuffle.

That punk-ass Red Sox fan came at Oscar

and shoved him to the ground.

Got the air knocked out of him like a Tom Brady football.

Oh! Let's take a caller.

Hey, Maxine from Cleveland, what do you say, girl?

Ugh.

Hi, Mom.

Hello, Emily, it's your mother.

Can you see me?

Yes.

Can you hear me?

That's how I was able to answer your first question.

Oh, good.

Isn't this fun? It's like Star Wars.

Anyway, I'm just making sure that we're still on for lunch.

Yes, we are.

And actually, I will be bringing Felix...

my new boyfriend.

A new boyfriend, how nice.

I just hope he doesn't turn out to be gay

like your ex-husband.

Fingers crossed.

Have you heard from your sister?

Yeah, she sent me a postcard.

I'm so glad you two are close.

It can't be easy having a sister who's a swimsuit model.

Hey, why don't I get that to show it to you?

It's right next to my anti-anxiety meds.

Emily...

Felix the Great has arrived!

And he's here to magically remove your "abracada-bra."

With the help of his trusty assistant Guillermo.

You must be the new boyfriend.

- Was that your mother? - Yes!

Why didn't you tell me you were Skyping with her?

You knew that Felix the Great was in town!

He was going to magically transform one orgasm into two!

I can still hear you.

Oh, she's going to be so upset!

Oh, she's upset?

Imagine how the rabbit feels!

Dani...

I just spilled and my neck won't let me wipe it up.

Fine.

But this better be the only thing

you ask me to wipe today.

There he is! The man a focus group called

"passionate," "informed"

and "cowardly but in a funny way."

What are you talking about?

The satellite channel did some testing

- on your remote broadcast. - And?

And people couldn't get enough of you.

And frankly, I'm not surprised.

I've always said that you are a once-in-a-lifetime talent.

Why are you buttering me up?

Oh, come on. I'm not buttering you up...

you handsome bastard.