Night of the Living Deb

# ...Sheds His grace on thee... #

Hey, Dad.

Man, "F" this wannabe holiday!

What?

The Fourth of July? You hate the Fourth of July?

- Yes. - It's America's birthday!

- You don't like birthdays? - After the bottle-rocket smoke clears,

day after tomorrow, all these mouth-breathers are gonna be in my store

buying half-off Christmas ornaments. You know it and I know it.

- I don't know if I know it. - Oh?

What are you looking at? Oh, wow!

Fifty Shades of He-e-ey!

Go talk to him!

- No. He's... He's busy. - He should be gettin' busy with you.

I... I can't go over there. What if he...

What if he slaps me?

What? What if? What if instead of writing the Declaration of Independence,

George Washington wrote the Declaration of Suffering in Silence

with Your Raging Lady-boner?

- Okay. - What if instead of freeing the slaves,

Abraham Lincoln said, "Ye shall not pass!"

Okay, well, that's was Gandalf, but I know where you're going.

Go talk to him.

I can't go over to that guy. He's like an angel that's come down from outer space.

Yeah, so ask him to probe you. Miaow!

- I can't... I can't do it. - Yes, you can!

Look. Mister Pretty's off the phone. Come on, do it.

How many of those have you had? You seem drunk.

I'm drunk. Deb, I haven't had dinner.

Deb! Deb! Deb!

Deb! Deb! Deb! Deb! Deb!

- Okay! Here goes nothing! - Deb! Deb! Deb! Do it!

Deb! Deb! Deb! Deb!

- Oh, sorry. - Deb...

Deb, do it now. Go.

See you.

Oh, fuck me!

What the...

Well, I think... I noticed that she had red hair and that's about it.

Stacy and I had this fight,

then this person and I started drinking

and talking and drinking.

And the rest is kind of a blur.

No, now she's here. She's still here. Yeah.

And I don't know how to get rid of her.

No, I can't force her out.

I'm not gonna pull the fire alarm.

- White Russian and a whisky neat. - Thanks, Billy.

Oh, by gosh!

You know my drink? Whoa!

Well, here's to the long, straight piece in Tetris. Clink!

So, uh...

I'm upset, too.

...what are you doing in this gin joint?

Let me talk some sense into him.

Uh-huh. He looks drunk and ready to explain himself. Yeah. We'll get back to you. Okay.

Ryan, that was your dad. Please explain to me why you told him to take that job and shove it?

- No, I never said... - He said you did.

I told him I thought long and hard, but I had to turn him down.

- I was gonna tell you tonight. - I am your fiancée, all right?

You tell me before you make any stupid decisions.

And what exactly can we do for you, Fraggle?

I... I'm sorry. This gentleman bought me a drink and we were having a conservation.

Are you drinking his White Russian? I told you that was a girl's drink.

This is your drink?

Well, it was.

I'm sorry. I drink them, too. I just thought you were being amazingly intuitive.

Oh, good for you, sweetie. Why don't you just take it with our compliments, all right?

- Billy! Another Russian and a Bird over here. - Coming up.

Ryan, you need to call your dad right now. You can still get this job...

Stacy, I'm not working for my father's company.

We have this all figured out!

You and I are gonna get married, your dad is gonna get old, we're gonna take over.

What is going on with you? Are you still into this "helping" people thing?

I am done talking about this. Okay? Like she said, we were having a conversation.

Really? What's her name then?

- Estelle. - Deborah.

What? You... you know my name?

No, I... You looked like a Deborah, so obviously I was wrong.

No, my name is Deborah. You were right!

I just said Estelle because I wanted to get you out of the doghouse.

- How would that have helped me? - You know what?

You two enjoy each other. Happy Independence Day.

- Because we're through. - Stacy, this doesn't have to mean...

Yes, it does, Ryan! This is a package deal.

So you can say goodbye to these.

Trixie and Mayberry.

- I loved those cats. - You'll see them again.

She seems like a...

sweet girl.

Kev, come on, focus. Help me.

That is a solid move. No, man!

- I'm not gonna... Yeah, but that's your move. - So?

Not everybody can pull that off.

Kev, you're breaking up or something. Go back to...

- Kev, are you there? - Ryan!

Excuse me?

Mmmm!

Mmm, morning!

Uh! I slept in, didn't I?

Yeah, you sure did.

So, what's on the agend'? Brunch?

Ah, no.

Ooh! A black-coffee man. I like it.

"I'm John Wayne, I don't need no breakfast."

Ah, I actually already had my coffee, but...

Anyway, it's the Fourth, so I'm gonna go spend some time with my family.

- And maybe you should, too, right? - Oh, my God!

Oh, God! I must look terrible, but... so soon.

But I... I guess I could meet your family.

No, no, I actually meant your family.

But either way, I have to go right now, so...

Okay, well, just... do what you gotta do, Mr Magoo.

I've got a book and I'll just, uh...

stay here.

I'll see you in a couple of hours.

Oh, um... Hey, uh, look,

I don't exactly remember what happened last night...

Oh? Well, do you want the slow-motion instant replay?

Oh, great! Okay. Hey!

- That's a... - Oh, no!

That was a family heirloom, but, uh, you know what? Don't worry about it, please.

Uh, please.

Okay. Well, uh...

As you wish.

Um... Well, look, I think we can agree that this was a mistake.

Oh, yeah. Of course, a mistake!

What? I'm glad you said it before I said it.

Cos I was gonna say it. There's a load off!

Great! Okay. So we can leave. Now.

Now?

Yes, now is... now is...

is even, uh, too late for me.

Like I wish we could go in a time machine and go back five minutes, and then leave then.

But we don't, we don't have that, so we just have to walk. So here we go.

Where's the DeLorean when you need one, right?

- Okay. - Yeah! Hello!

McFly? Anybody home?

- Okay, there you go. - Much obliged.

So, you know, if we run into each other around town,

it doesn't need to be weird. We can just say hello or wave...

What a nice morning. It's...

Holidays are so peaceful, don't you think?

- I guess I never really... - Listen, my children.

And you will hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere.

A voice in the darkness, a knock at the door.

And a word that will echo forever more.

Wow, that was actually nice.

- Um... - Thank you.

- Have a good one. - Oh...

It's Longfellow. He's from here. Portland, Maine.

- Yeah, I know where we live. - I used to recite it for my mom every Fourth.

She's in a better place now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Virginia Beach. They have a lot of activities for seniors there.

I try to go, but I'm so busy with work at the TV station.

Hence, alone for the holiday!

Okay, well, uh...

God bless... America!

Hey, God bless you!

Whoever you are.

Deb, it's Rubes.

Call me as soon as you drag yourself out of that fine man's bed, you complete whore.

Did you ever know that you're my hero...

Great! Somebody's coming in the store and they look drunk and I feel like ass today.

Hey! You break it, you buy it, bucko!

Shit! Aah!

Happy holidays. You've reached Yule Mart.

We'll be open July 4th until noon and all day on the 5th.

You'll love our frankincense and myrrh-chandise! Get it?

Hi, I don't know if I should be your hero.

Homeboy didn't want to see me again after last night.

I guess, in the light of day, I seemed like some sort of monster.

Rubes, you gotta tell me what happened last night,

cos I don't remember bupkis.

- Was I some sort of jackhole or something? - Why won't she leave?

Hello?

Piece of kaka phone!

Really?

Uh!

Hello?

Joe?

Anybody?

Don't!

Don't make me!

The parade's really gone downhill this year.

Come on! Get off!

All right, Joe...

I got a large Casco Bay blend here.

Joe?

All right.

Oh, hey, man. There you are. What's going on?

Dude, why are you eating a foot?

Joe!

Joe!

Help! God!

Oh, my God!

What is that? This is horrible!

Joe!

Sorry, Joe.