Wake Up Dead Man: A Knives Out Mystery

Hard to know where to start.

I guess to tell the story of the Good Friday murder through my eyes,

I got to start here.

Nine months ago, when this asshole deacon said something way out of line,

and I did this.

- -

- -

Oh, shit.

So, you're a fighter, then?

Uh, no, Father, absolutely not.

Well, we have a deacon who would say otherwise if his jaw wasn't broken.

In my previous life, yes, I was a boxer,

and I lived on the streets. I did some other things.

We need fighters today, but to fight the world,

not ourselves.

A priest is a shepherd. The world is a wolf.

No.

I… I don't believe that, Father, respectfully.

You start fighting wolves, and before you know it,

everyone you don't understand is a wolf.

I still got that fighting instinct, and I gave into it today,

but Christ came to heal the world, not fight it.

I believe that.

It's this, not this, you know?

I just want to be a good priest.

Show broken people like me the forgiveness and love of Christ.

The world needs that so bad.

You give me one more shot, and I promise I'll do that.

- -

Your Excellency,

you stuck your neck out for me so many times.

- I let you down, and whatever the... - All right.

Listen…

Deacon Clark is famously a dick.

Nobody's actually that upset that you clocked him.

In fact, kind of the opposite.

- But we do need to do something about it. -

We're sending you to a small parish in Chimney Rock.

It's just one priest there now.

Assistant pastor?

Yeah, well, curb your enthusiasm.

What?

You're going to Our Lady of Perpetual Fortitude,

led by Monsignor Jefferson Wicks. Have you heard of Jefferson Wicks?

Okay, look, Wicks has his supporters here. I'm not one of them.

Between you and me,

I think he's a few beads shy of a full rosary and a real son of a bitch.

But what's undeniable is that his flock is shrinking and even calcifying.

It could use some of what you said in there. You understand?

Not at all, but yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Spirit's got me. Let me at him. - Hey. Hey, hey.

This, not this, right? Mm?

Good luck, kid.

So, that's how I came to Chimney Rock.

Daniel in the lion's den.

David facing off Goliath.

Young, dumb, and full of Christ.

Ready for anything.

Father Jefferson?

Hello. Jud Duplenticy from Albany?

Lord be with you, Jud Duplenticy from Albany.

You here to take my church away from me?

Oh. No.

Good.

Okay, call me Monsignor Wicks.

I see you've met Martha.

Martha? No.

- Monsignor Wicks. - Jesus!

- I woke up early to polish the silver. -

It was a bit blotchy.

That'll be fine, Martha.

Father… Jud.

You are welcome here.

- Thank you, Martha. - Mm.

I was actually just saying to Father Wicks…

Monsignor Wicks.

Monsignor, right. Sorry.

And sorry for saying "Jesus".

Hoo. This is going great, I think.

- Bishop Langstrom sent you, huh? - Mm-hmm.

Langstrom.

- I know him well. -

He handpicked you, sent you here.

It says something to me.

Tells me a lot.

Well, I… I know you're used to flying solo, but, um…

I'm… I'm here to serve.

Take my confession.

All right.

- Mm. -

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

It's been, uh,

six weeks since my last confession.

I've envied the material wealth of others.

I saw this luxury car commercial. Sam had it on his TV. Lexus.

And I thought,

- "Ah! That is a good-looking car." -

The coupe.

Uh… I've envied the power of great men.

Envied my grandfather's power as a priest. I wanted that.

Always did.

Uh…

I've masturbated,

um, four times this week.

Four or five, generally, in… What'd I say, six weeks?

Well, let's say 30 times, masturbated.

Uh, this week, in my bed, in the morning once.

Once in the shower, standing up, which was convenient.

Just use a bath gel.

Oh, once in the middle of the night, after a dream about...

- That's all right. - About one of those Japanese cat cafés.

- Okay. - You know, I read this article,

but the cats were girls, and, you know, so…

And I hadn't prepared,

so I had to finish into a copy of Catholic Chronicle magazine,

just what was on the end table, which is probably its own kind of sin.

I don't know, maybe not, but… Not good.

At the time, I thought this was just weird.

But looking back now, I know.

This was Wicks' first punch.

Five Hail Marys and one Glory Be.

Thank you, Father.

It wouldn't be his last.

Oh, and welcome

to my church.

- -

Over the next few weeks, I settled in

at Our Lady of Perpetual Fortitude.

The only other full-time employee was the groundskeeper, Samson.

Sam.

It's Monsignor Wicks

who gives me the strength every day to not go back to the bottle.

He used to drink too.

But he said to me once, "If I can stave off that demon, you can."

And every day, it is a struggle.

But I have.

I credit him and… my sweet Martha.

Your… your sweet Martha?

I'd do anything for her.

- My angel on Earth. -

As far as the church goes, Martha does it all.

She keeps the books, manages donations, files everything.

File that.

She launders the vestments, stocks the supplies,

feeds Wicks, plays the organ.

She knew where the bodies were buried.

- So this is the crypt? - Yep.

It's a damn shame. Gotta put up a security camera.

- Is there an entrance? - There is.

This right here,

it's a Lazarus door.

Takes construction equipment to open from the outside.

But cantilevered as such that one push

will send it tumbling to the ground from inside.

Who's in there then?

- Prentice. -

Wicks' grandfather, the founder of this church.

Was like a father to me.

Makes me sick.

These kids painting rocket ships all over his sacred resting place.

- What are you doing? - Oh, uh…

Well, I do a little wood-working,

so thought I could borrow some of Sam's tools, make a proper...

No, we leave that.

A reminder of the shameful sin of the harlot whore.

Take my confession.

Yes, the harlot whore.

That was Wicks' mother.

Okay, so what's the deal with that?

She was a harlot and a whore.

Okay.

When Prentice entered the priesthood and founded this church,

he was widowed with a daughter.

Grace was her name.

Always a bad seed.

She loved revealing clothes and her fancy brands.

Fancy brands… Oof.

- Mm. - Yeah.

As a teenager, she slutted around bars,

was soon pregnant by a drifter.

Prentice had a vast family fortune in the bank.

- - To protect his grandson, Wicks,

he promised that if Grace stayed under his roof,

the fortune would be willed to her.

And so the whore waited for her father to die.

Oh, it weighed on him heavily.

Martha, remember this.

Wealth and the power that comes with it,

is Eve's Apple.

Temptation that leads to the fall.

I must protect our loved ones from its corrupting influence,

at all costs.

His day came at last.

I was there.

I saw Prentice take his final communion