I'm Dying Up Here

Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...

He's barely breathing. Call an ambulance.

Of all the graves I've pissed on,

this'd be the least satisfying.

The fuck are you doing?

You're a sad fucking excuse for a son!

What is your plan for me here?

I'm killing it every night in the Cellar.

All right? I need the Main Stage.

- What do you want? - A business partner.

If you could get Pryor to play my club--

What I am proposing is that we build our own Pryor.

You want me to represent you?

You're gonna dump the broad, clean up your act.

That's my offer.

He wants me to audition

for a guest role on one of his sitcoms next week.

- Hey! -

They're sketches. They're not exactly Shakespeare.

Got one of my girls to rewrite it.

No, you don't hire writers.

No, not without consulting me.

Why can't you compromise on something?

Because then I'd be you.

Are you having a good time, ma'am?

Really? All right.

Tell your face.

Guys, Vietnam's coming to an end.

That means what?

Comedians are coming home...

from Canada.

I used to do a lot of handyman work,

growing up.

Mostly because my dad was in the business...

of breaking shit.

Well, what are you doing in here?

That hooker in the trunk ain't gonna bury herself.

All right, thank you, folks.

You've been a...

slightly above average crowd.

Sheppard and Berenson take the draw at center ice.

Berenson wins the faceoff. Back to Bergman

who fires it up the boards to Bailey.

Bailey dumps it into the Boston end

as Orr and Leduc race to the corner.

Orr dishes it to Sims as Berenson closes in.

Sims sends it up to O'Reilly who crossed the red line.

He headmans it to Sheppard who snaps one in on Rutherford

from the top of the faceoff dot to the right of Rutherford.

Rutherford deflects it into the corner

where Thommie Bergman digs it out

and O'Reilly sends him into the boards

with a bruising check.

Now Marcotte to center.

Fuck yeah.

Shut up! Shut up!

Fuck.

What?

- Hey, Joe. - Yeah?

You mind if I take all these?

I don't see a nickel from them.

That a friend of yours?

Not really.

Maybe that'll be you someday.

Ha-ha. All right.

Hey, Chris.

Chris.

Hey.

Hi.

How you doing?

Think you lost something here.

There you go.

- Cool. - That's for you.

Thanks, Arnie.

- All right, take care. - Later, alligator.

Well? You ain't said nothin'.

I don't know.

Kind of miss the way it was before.

Empty?

Maybe.

At least it felt like me.

Let me let you in on a little somethin'.

Nobody wants to go to a place that feels like you.

I'll be damned.

Goldie, you did this?

You asked for the moon and the stars.

We're building your rocket ship.

Right now, the Cellar is as hot a draw as the Main Stage.

It's gonna get even more so after this.

So starting tonight, you get 30 minutes.

I can do that. Yeah, I can do that.

You work it to a tight 45, and we'll go Main Stage.

As a headliner?

You stay on course,

I'm guaranteeing you Carson in a year.

Well, f-- Carson in a year, that--

You work my Cellar. You do your homework.

Is that a promise?

Promise?

Santa Claus makes promises.

That's why he's always smiling.

People who make guarantees never smile

because they know how much hard fuckin' work it's gonna take.

I don't even--I don't-- I don't even know what to say.

I'm-- thank you, Goldie.

You think I did that just for you?

- Probably not. - I want to be perfectly

clear here, Adam.

There are two things I will never do:

A, whisper in your ear,

and B, do something

that doesn't benefit me first.

You know what that makes me?

What?

The devil you know.

Guys, you know when you're dating someone new?

The conversation is simple. It's easy, right?

You know, it's harmless back story.

Like, oh, when you were six, your cat had six kittens?

Neat. Wow.

Oh, you chipped a tooth on a caramel apple?

Wow, that is interesting.

It's the conversational equivalent of watching soccer.

It's boring as shit.

- What is Bill doing here? - Killing it.

Yeah, where else should he be?

Have you guys not heard about his dad?

- What? - He died last night.

- Heart attack. - Shut the fuck up.

- His sister called me. - Fuck.

- When's the funeral? - Saturday.

But it doesn't matter, because he's not going.

Really?

Not going to his own father's funeral.

I mean, he's gotta, don't he?

Apparently, he don't gotta.

Guys, we have no answers for all this stuff.

You know, we're totally at a loss.

We dream about the time

she went and talked about that dumb cat

and her six kittens that we never gave a fuck about.

You know when you go to a Chinese restaurant,

you see a lot of Chinese people eating there.

You think, "Hey, it's probably a good restaurant."

You know, "We should eat there."

How come that doesn't work with other things?

Like if you go to a bar and see that it's filled

with alcoholics, you don't go,

"Hey, look at that guy puking in the corner.

Maybe this is where we should have a few drinks," right?

["Love in the City" by John Stokes playing on radio]

Yeah. Yeah, I get it.

Then why aren't you laughing?

Because...

You're not funny.

And I don't love you anymore.

I'm not gonna lie.

I think one might've impacted the other.

We just had sex.

Yeah, I know. I was gonna leave a note,

but I felt like this is more personal.

You just gonna roll out here with this shit?

Yeah. Dying's easy.

Family's hard. Don't worry about me.

When my Aunt Annie died, I had a cousin

who flew 3,000 miles to go the wake,

which made me look bad 'cause I lived a block away

and I missed it.

That is so weird,

knowing how much you prioritize family.

Shouldn't you be chasing coyotes and watching them shit

and then sifting through it to find

your little cat's flea collar?

That was really-- that was hurtful.

Seriously, what's going on with you and Betty?

Yeah, what the fuck is going on with you and Betty?

No, no, no. Guys.

His father is dead.

Bill, this is your day.

Have you spoken to anyone in your family

since your decision?

No. Why would I?

My dad's dead. It's very sad.

There's not much I can do about it.

You can be there for your family.

You can be there for your mom.

I have three brothers and two sisters.

That's plenty of people to keep her chardonnay glass full.

That is a lot of people if they're just pouring chardonnay.

On that note, it is late.

3 a.m. So...

What are you talking about?

I pay every time.

Go to the funeral. Jesus.

Hey.

Let me guess.