Telenovela

Morning! God, I'm so late!

I'm okay, I just caught my shoe.

Ooh! Yup.

Okay, that one hurt.

Hey.

- You're late. - Miami traffic.

You live two minutes away.

Fine, I overslept.

- We were going to rehearse! - Oh, it's the usual!

"I love you." "I hate you!" Mwah, mwah, mwah.

You're on in 30 seconds.

Okay. How do I look?

Everything's crooked.

Okay, here we go. Places!

And action!

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More wind.

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No! Oh!

Cut!

Ugh.

Great job, everybody.

- Coffee. - Hair.

Wow, he burns down the barn?

I did not see that coming.

Isaac, you wrote it. How drunk were you last night?

Eh, pretty drunk.

Girl, you know I am your number one fan,

but nobody faints like that.

Mimi, stuff like that faint got me on the cover

of "Cosmo en Español" ten times.

- Hugo! - God.

- Hugo! - Oh.

- Got him. -

There you are, sugar butt. Thanks, Ana.

Why is the lady from the network here?

Is someone getting fired?

Job security.

I think I know why.

We're getting a new cast member.

Oh, my God!

You guys, I think it's Enrique Iglesias.

I've been asking the network to let us work together.

I love Enrique.

He's who I think about during our sex scenes.

Oh, my God, me too!

Ana, great scene. Great faint.

Oh, thanks, Stacey.

What's going on, are we getting a new cast member?

We are. He's here.

And he is an old friend of yours.

Enrique!

both: Xavi.

Hello, Ana Sofia.

Ahh.

Now that was a faint.

They hired Xavier.

How could they hire my ex-husband to be on my show?

Sorry, our show. It takes a village.

No small parts, blah, blah, blah.

We're friends, you don't need to censor yourself.

Plus, Raul in Accounting showed me what everyone makes.

This is your show.

Look, there's a new network president.

I bet he hired Xavi to shake things up, and you and Xavi

were the world's most famous Latino couple.

I mean, my cousin Jeff heard of you.

both: White Jeff.

Gael, aren't you upset about this?

Now you have another hot guy to compete with.

Well, now I am.

I'm not gonna let this get to me.

I've worked with Xavi plenty of times before.

And our divorce wasn't that bad.

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Hey, hey, I know you're talking about me.

When are you gonna learn Spanish?

I'm fluent enough.

It's just when you talk really fast,

I have no idea what you're saying.

I mean, the reverse is true.

When I talk really fast in English,

do you have any idea what I'm saying?

- Every word. - Yes.

Okay, look, the point is I've moved on.

I'm not bitter.

Xavi and I just had a little disagreement.

I thought marriage was between a man and a woman,

not a man, a woman and Shakira.

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Ah! I know what you said!

Something about a pineapple?

Oh, thank you!

What?

Xavi.

Ugh, you said his name. You're fired.

- - I'm kidding.

Guys, come on. Who cares?

I do! Your divorce crushed me!

You were so in love, then for it all to come crashing down,

and so publicly!

You don't know how hard that was on me.

Ana will be fine. We're all gonna be fine.

You don't see me freaking out

because they brought in another hot guy.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait a minute.

I need my formal mustache.

My character is shooting up a wedding today.

Ana Sofia, my condolences.

The big guns bringing your ex on

because you can't carry a show by yourself anymore.

So sad.

Mira... why doesn't Isabela like Ana?

Isabela used to be the leading lady,

until the day Ana took her place.

She did not handle it well.

They can't -- do this!

I am the -- star!

You know what'd make Xavier really jealous?

That hot, young stud that you've been seeing.

Oh, wait. You're alone.

Hey, I know Isabela's crazy, but is she right?

They put Xavi here 'cause I'm not enough?

Of course you're enough. The fans love you.

- Mimi! - Hmm, hmm?

Tell Ana people love her.

Oh, sweetie, of course people love you.

I mean, the fact that anyone

bought your Christmas album proves that.

Xavi is just here because some stupid network president

is trying to make his mark.

You guys are right. This is no big deal.

- Okay. - I'm just gonna go about my day

like he's not even here.

- Ooh! - Oh!

You never look where you're going.

You were always so freaking quiet.

It was like living with a Prius.

All right, look, if we're gonna work together,

- we need to be more civil. - Okay.

Hey, how's the house we bought together

- but I don't get to live in? - Great.

How's the boat I spent eight months redecorating

until I realized our marriage was a sham?

- Super. - Awesome catching up.

So, this show is a well-oiled machine.

If you're gonna work here,

you're gonna need to follow some rules.

First, always be on time.

Second, no cell phones on set.

I hate when people make mistakes 'cause they're texting a friend,

"Oh, Ana's even prettier in person," or you know, whatever.

Shocker. My bossy ex-wife has a lot of rules.

Well, it is "Las Leyes de Pasión."

I'm Pasión.

And one more thing. We don't do gum on the show.

I hate the sound.

I really didn't think that through.

You think Xavier's hotter than me?

Gael, come on, not this again.

This is just like when we had that horse on set

and you were worried it had better hair than you.

I'm over that.

I found out what shampoo he uses.

- Ow, ow, ow! - Sorry.

But if you had just worn the one I already had ready

instead of making me work on this one last minute.

It doesn't matter. Gael's gonna rip it off me

in the next scene anyway.

He's on the phone!

He's already breaking my rules!

Excuse me.

No cell phones on set.

He's ignoring me?

Doesn't he know who's on the post--

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. - Ay, Dios mio.

So it begins.

Okay, okay, here I go.

Okay, I'm doing morning announcements,

even if some people aren't ready.

I gotta go.

Don't forget to sign the get well card for Paco's mom.

It's Paulo.

Okay, we're gonna need a new card.

And Rodrigo is still looking for volunteers

to sing a capella at the animal hospital.