Roofman

Jade, I need you to start on the bathrooms.

Joselyn, can you please take out all the eggs,

batter, patties and McMuffins out of the freezer, okay?

I'll help you once I turn everything on.

Good morning, team.

No, no, no. Don't be scared.

You just do what I say, no one gets hurt, okay?

No, no, look. Pointing it down.

Okay, now, I'm going to say a polite and cheerful "Good morning,"

and then you guys say it back.

Good morning.

No… Duane, after I say it.

That's how that works. Okay?

Now, good morning, team.

- Good morning. - Yes. Perfect.

I say what to do and you guys just do it. Okay.

I want you to get your coats back on.

Duane, grab your coat.

Grab your coat.

I don't have one, sir.

You don't have a coat?

How do you not have a coat?

I just forgot.

Well, you're just gonna have to be a little cold today.

All right, let's go.

After you. Ladies first.

Now, listen to me. You guys aren't going to die in here.

As soon as I'm out of here, I'm gonna call the cops

and they're gonna let you guys out.

Probably get the day off.

No, don't, don't.

Do not look at me like that.

Duane, stop it.

'Cause this is your fault.

It's cold.

Are you serious?

Dang it.

I don't know what kind of jerk doesn't bring his own coat to work.

Okay? Happy now?

My ears are cold.

This is the part of the story where I hope you're wondering

how a nice guy like me ends up becoming a criminal.

Hello?

This thing on?

Hello?

Shit!

Come on, Duane.

Good morning. Welcome to McDonald's. I'm gonna put you on a brief hold.

What the hell, Duane?

I can't blame my parents.

I had a good childhood.

I was just never good at school or behaving.

But I was good at certain things that were really valuable to the military.

But after my discharge, I didn't know where I fit or what to do,

or how to give my kids the things that other kids had.

So, I made some bad choices that took away some other choices.

And those bad choices all started two years ago

at my daughter's sixth birthday party.

All right, you got to make a big ol' wish.

Okay.

- One more. Did you make a wish? - I did that for my birthday.

- What'd you wish for? - A bike.

Bike?

I don't know if a bike is exactly going to fit into this box, but… rip it open.

I'm gonna race ya. Yeah.

What do you think?

It's cool, right? It's my old Erector Set.

Let's open it up.

There's 200 pieces in here.

You got engines, you got gears, pulleys, wheels, lights, switches.

We can make almost anything that we want with this thing.

Anything that you can dream, we can make it, okay?

Me and you. What do you say?

Can you make a bike with it?

Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't believe the dude I knew from the 82nd can't even afford a bike.

Well, tell me how you're doing so well.

Well, let me see. Just this week, I got two Japanese dudes' passports.

That's 5K a pop.

Five grand for fake passports?

- No, for real passports. - Man, can I help you with that?

Hell, motherfucking no, you can't.

You can't help me with shit.

You crazy, man? You ain't helping me do a goddamn thing.

I don't need your help. Plus, we already know

that doing things the right way is not your superpower.

Whatever. That's…

Okay, then tell me what my superpower is then?

Enlighten me, Buddha.

What's the flow rate on that hose?

Twelve gallons per minute.

How many houses is on this street?

- Twenty-eight. - And out of those, how many got chimneys?

Garages?

How many of 'em use a heat pump instead of a traditional AC?

You want me to sell HVAC systems or something? Just…

- No, no, man, I'm trying to make a point. - Then make the point, please.

Observation.

Details.

You see shit people don't see.

You got like a little x-ray vision going on.

What, you think they dropped you off in Central America 'cause you a good shot?

Is that what you think?

No, they dropped you because of what you see.

Shit, if I had a brain like yours, I'd be running the whole goddamn world.

You know, you the smartest dumb nigga I ever known.

That shit crazy.

You can stop filling up that pool now.

Ain't nobody gonna get in there. That shit cold as hell.

So, Mama is probably gonna want to know how the party was

and, yeah, I think we did our best. What do you think?

Maybe we don't mention the pool?

- It's the trying that counts, right? - Mommy!

Hi, birthday girl. How was your party?

Everybody did their best.

Are you ready for your other party?

Hi.

How are you?

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Real, real quick, real quick.

I know the last few months haven't been easy,

and we don't have the things that we actually need,

and that's my fault and I own that. Okay?

I do, but I… I think I have it figured out now.

Just got to use my superpower

- and put my brain on what I want… - Your superpower?

- Your superpower? - Yes.

- I can't do this, Jeff. - No.

- I'm done. Goodbye. - Come on, please don't do this.

All right, banana head.

Say goodbye.

Love you!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

I didn't blame her for laughing at me.

For thinking I was a joke.

But there were things that she didn't know about me.

Things that weren't so funny.

Steve knew what I was capable of.

I do see things that other people don't see.

Like right now, I see that kid climbing up that ladder…

And I know that under that flimsy roof

is a machine that turns ground beef and potatoes into money.

With the same dining room,

the same deep fryers with blinking red timer lights.

The same shake machine with the same two flavors…

And the same safe full of weekend corporate burger money

that no one was going to miss.

They empty that safe at the exact same time

on Monday morning at every single McDonald's.

Hi. Welcome to McDonald's.

- Do you know what you want? - Huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I figured it out.

Thank you.

There are over 10,000 almost identical McDonald's across the United States.

"The question was, " How many do you need to rob to get a real house,

buy your kids nice things and win your family back?"

Turns out… the answer is 45.

The Roofman has struck again,

cutting a hole through the roof of this McDonald's

at the corner of Madison and Jewell in Fayetteville.

As you can imagine, this was a terrifying experience.

He came in, threw us in the freezer and gave me his coat.

- He gave you his coat? - Yes.

Yeah, he didn't want me to be cold.

He was actually really nice.

Police believe this is the same suspect

who has been terrorizing our local community,

with 45 incidents this past year alone.

We have a sketch of the Roofman. He is always wearing a mask.

"He's described as 6'2", with an athletic build.

- What? - The Roofman has also struck Burger King,

- Kentucky Fried Chicken… - Nice TV you got here, Jeff.

- …and Blockbuster Video. - Big.

- Police say… - How you afford something like that?

We got 15 hungry kids out there that are losing their minds for cake.

- We got to go. - …All of these brazen incidents…

- We got to go. - Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Look, we got to go right now.

If she doesn't get her presents…

I wanna know what's going on with the suspect.

- …she's gonna lose her mind. - Can I see?

- Why you turning it off? - Reporting live…

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't, don't, don't…

Come on. Let's go.

Goddamn, man.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, bandida

-Happy birthday to you -You

Let's go! All right.

Big breath, big wish. Here we go.

All right, we're gonna do this one first this year.

Big things in little boxes.

What is this?

A garage door opener?

Why did you give me a garage door opener?

I don't know. I just couldn't think of anywhere else

to put the saber-toothed tiger, so…

I don't know. I couldn't put it in the kitchen, could I?

So, where is it?