Family Guy

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Previously on NCIS...

Ah, son of a bitch!

So, what kind of Navy crime do we have today?

- Dad, it hurts! - I'll show you.

Follow me to our windowless, high-tech room.

I love you, Peter.

Drive the van faster!

He's headed towards the Port of Washington, D.C.,

where our Navy is held.

I'm browning out.

See you on the other side.

We interrupt this program for an update on the weather.

Record rains continue as Hurricane Michael Caine

has stalled over the Rhode Island coast.

Experts say Hurricane Michael Caine

is 100 times more impressive than Hurricane Dean Cain,

which just seems silly now.

- Oh, my God. - What are we gonna do now?

Ah, well, at least we're all here,

and we're all safe.

- Where's Brian? - Oh, my God.

When we evacuated, I think we forgot him.

It's okay, Lois, I left him chained up

in the gully in the backyard.

Guys? Guys?

All right, well, TV's out, no Internet.

Let's all just go to the bathroom

and pretend we can't hear each other go.

So, Chris, did you get back

your Industrial Revolution term paper?

I did. I got an 11.

Is-is that good?

No, it's quite bad.

Hey, guys, the splatter on the floor was already here.

I used four of the five towels to clean it up.

Seriously, guys, what are we gonna do in here?

Well, maybe there's something in this drawer

we can all play with.

Hair gel, condom.

Boy, the last guy who stayed here

was super cool.

And there's a book in here that makes you tired

just by looking at it.

A book called "T," written by Holly Bibble.

"Uh, Peter, I think that's the Holy Bible..."

Is what Brian would say if he wasn't drowning in our backyard.

When he's gone, can we get a bird?

Read some, Peter, you'll love it.

It's Harry Potter for stupid people.

Hey, guys, could you tone it down?

This is offensive to the open-button shirt

necklace community.

Okay "The Street James Bibble." Page I.

Seriously, could somebody else read this?

"In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth,

and the sitcom joke that goes, 'That went well.'"

"And the first man and woman, Adam and Eve."

I think the leaf over my balls is poison ivy.

What should we do today?

I don't know, but you're looking pretty hot.

You should wear this to work more often.

Hey, that's sexual harassment.

Oh, so, should I stop?

Yes, in about 10,000 years.

Hey, while I got you, there's nothing to do down here.

When are you gonna invent the American Office on Netflix?

I-I just feel like they're not grateful.

You know, I-I gave them water, the sun,

a clear road map to hating gays.

So, uh, you want to name more stuff?

Ugh, that's all we ever do.

Yeah, and there's still six billion things left to name.

Okay, I'll start. That green, leafy thing.

That's a Casey.

That thing flying through the sky there... Casey.

You can't name everything Casey.

All right, fine, Eve.

What's the word for that thing flying through the sky?

- I don't know... bird. - Oh, bird?

- Bird is the word? - Bird?

- Bird. - Bird?

Bird. Bird is the word.

Peter, cut it out!

You know, charades are a thing people do.

Anyone mind if I open fragrant Doritos in a tiny room?

Ooh... Oh! Ugh...

It smells like horse crap. What flavor is it?

"Cattle Ranch Doritos."

Relax, Lois. Family Guy has long been sponsored

by Axe body spray.

Axe?

There. Now we all smell like a nightmare Tinder date.

Okay, you two, I'm going away for the weekend.

My girlfriend got a piece in an art show,

and I'd look like a dick if I didn't go.

It's a pot that no one's allowed to use.

Don't even suggest putting keys in it.

Did everyone who submitted to the art show get in?

Yes. But again, don't want to be a dick.

So, if you're looking for me this weekend,

I'll be nibbling terrible cheese cubes

with Santa Fe people who couldn't cut it

in the real world.

Are any of them named Melody?

They're all named Melody!

Coming.

Well, I gotta go get yelled at for being late to something

I didn't want to go to in the first place.

All right, before I go, I got two rules.

No putting your penis in the gopher holes,

and no apples.

You can trust us. Ow! That went well.

Oh, my God, that's so funny.

'Cause it didn't go well.

- Adam, would you like a pear? - Apple.

- Orange? - Apple.

- Grape? - Apple.

- Peach? - Apple.

- Nectarine? - Casey.

- Cantaloupe? - Apple.

- Honeydew? - Apple.

- Clementine? - Apple.

Hey, you guys looking for some apples?

You know, I could go for an apple.

No. Adam, remember what God said.

About his nightmare girlfriend's art show?

'Cause that's all I remember about that poor guy.

No. He said if we eat the apple we're kicked out of paradise.

- They have antioxidants. - They do?

Why would I lie? I'm a snake in a tree.

I have nothing to gain from lying to you,

aside from the minor sexual thrill

of watching someone eat something.

And-and that's minor.

Okay, I'm gonna do it.

Okay, good. Now, Adam can't be here.

Eat it with your feet, and look at me when you do it.

What the hell happened here?!

Uh, it's not our fault.

You created the most tempting thing

man has ever known... a piece of fruit.

That's it, you two are kicked out of paradise.

Unless you want to buy a nice pot.

Can I put my keys in it?

- No. - Fine, we'll leave.

But where will we live?

The opposite of Eden.

Well, Florida, time to fit in.

Let's go have sex with gum in our mouths.

Then what happened?

- They populated the Earth. - How?

- They had kids. - Okay, but then, what did they do?

They had kids, too.

- With who? - They were fruitful.

- With who? - Well, the girls

with either their brothers or their fathers,

and the boys with either their sisters or their mothers.

That's disgusting.

No, Meg, that's the Bible.

Are we just gonna let that guy in the parking lot

keep screaming at his girlfriend?

Peter, get away from the window.

Shh, shh, shh. If we're quiet,

you can hear every fifth word.

Always......

- never...... - my friends......

Michelob Ultra!

All right, back to the Bible.

And again, you'll let me know if another older,

heavyset woman wanders by in nothing but a T-shirt?

Why did we choose this motel?

This is any motel.

Now, here's a story about a bunch of animals

who went on a cruise.

Noah, I want you to build an ark.

Right.

- What's an ark? - A large ship.

40 cubits by 80 cubits by 40 cubits.

Right. What's a cubit?

Wait a minute, are you just doing Bill Cosby bits?

Yeah, why not? All of his stuff is up for grabs.

What is he gonna do, sue us?

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah.

"Noah was feeding his children chocolate cake for breakfast."

Dad is great. Give us chocolate cake.

Dad is great.

Give us chocolate cake.

Terrific. Okay, kids, that's enough.

We're done stealing from "Dr." Cosby.

Now it's time to get ready for school.

There's no school today. There was another mass stoning.

Ugh, another school stoning.

When will we learn?

If only those teachers had stones,

then they could stone back.

Hello? Stone control.

Shem, stones don't kill people. People kill people.

With stones.