Malcolm in the Middle

Hey,... what are we watching?

A documentary on eye surgery. They are reattaching a retina.

"The procedure involves making small incisions

into the wall of the eye to allow instruments into the cavity."

Is there anything else on?

Dad, this is interesting. I might be a doctor someday. You're right.

"The draining of the vitreous - the clear gel-like fluid

that fills the back of the eye..." Aah-aah! I'm gonna go read.

"Kiki beats the heat in a red chiffon..."

You don't wanna watch a lingerie-counter shoot with your dad!

# Yes, no, maybe

# I don't know

# Can you repeat the question?

# You're not the boss of me now!

# You're not the boss of me now!

# You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big!

# You're not the boss of me now!

# You're not the boss of me now!

# You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big!

# Life is unfair #

Come on! You boys are late!

I want you outta this house in 30 seconds! We've got time.

When we're really late, our lunches are on the front lawn.

Mom, Reese - Go, go. Go, go!

OK, I'm doing dry-cleaner, mechanic and post office,

you're doing groceries. Right. Got the cable bill? Great.

Bye, guy.

Did I just say, "Bye guy," to you? I'm pretty sure you did.

Guy? I - I - I called you guy?!

How can that happen?! I've never done that before! It's a lapse.

Guy?! Hal, it happens. Let's get one thing clear.

In no way, shape or form do I think of you as a guy.

You are a gorgeous, exciting, feminine goddess

that I still don't know what I've done to deserve.

Do you understand that? Yes.

Let's do this walking.

OK, just for argument's sake,

let's say Doctor Bombay was one of the M*A*S*H surgeons.

I'd still want Hawkeye operating on a perforated aorta!

It's experience that counts.

Will you hurry up with those dishes, my bubbles are evaporating!

Eric, you're not gonna believe this.

I swear I just saw Commandant Spangler

standing outside the window. That's not even funny, Francis.

Some things you don't joke about,

like that hook-handed maniac! But he was so real!

It was like being back at military school! For a long time

I saw him every time I shut my eyes. We escaped from that hellhole.

We made it out and found better lives for ourselves.

Now let's get these dishes done.

We still have to snake out the toilets.

Hey, guys, wait up!

Hi, I'm Dewey.

You smell terrible. I like you.

Maybe you could come home with me. You're not allowed a dog.

We want you to be miserable. That's right, son.

It's our job to make sure we're as unfair as possible to you.

Don't listen to them, Dewey. I've studied the matter thoroughly

and I'm convinced you can get away with it. All you have to do

is hide me. Hm!

I'll call you Marshmallow.

# "Tonight's The Night " - Rod Stewart

"# Tonight's the night

# It's gonna be alright

# Cos I love you, girl Ain't nobody gonna

# stop us now #"

Hal, what are you doing here?! Well, you're off work in five minutes

and I am here to whisk you away for a night of romance. Oh, honey,

that's so sweet but I can't. I've gotta cover for Craig tonight.

Why?! Oh, he's sick as a dog!

He's the biggest faker in the world!

The last time he was out with the flu we saw him

jumping up and down in the window on the Today Show! But I was sick.

You didn't tape that, did you? I set my timer wrong.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry!

After all the trouble you went through.

No, it's no big deal. Really, it wasn't any trouble.

Thanks again for the ride home.

Wow.

So this is what it woulda been like to go to my prom.

All I wanted was a nice evening.

I even dug up the wedding vows I never... was able to read to her.

What happened? She went into labour with Francis

in the middle of the ceremony. I was gonna read them to her tonight.

God, now I feel awful.

Don't worry about it, Craig. It's not your fault.

No, I really feel awful. Bleurgh!

Honey, I'm so sorry about tonight.

Listen, tomorrow night I'm gonna fix us such a special dinner.

We'll lock the boys in the garage, open a bottle of wine...

Oh, I know, honey. I know.

Is the roast medium rare? Did you put the wine in the fridge?

My roast is perfect. I never knew we had fancy silverware.

When was the last time you used this? The night you were conceived.

Want more details? No! Good. Thank you for your help!

Now get in your room and don't make a peep.

Move!

He's not a dog! He's just pretend! What's for dinner?

A dog?! Busted! Please, don't tell Mom! Please!

Do you have a death wish? Just let me have him one night!

Please, please! OK, Dewey, relax. We won't tell.

Thank you!

So when do we tell? As soon as Dad gets home. It'll be funnier.

I couldn't sleep at all last night. Me, too.

It's like there's something creepy in the air. < Francis!

Commandant Spangler!

What are you doing in Alaska? I've come for YOU, Francis.

I've been searching for you for months.

Me? Why?

Why?

Because...

..after 32 years as an educator and disciplinarian,

your DESERTION stood out as my only failure.

A FAILURE

that... haunted my every waking moment.

I began to see YOUR FACE

in those of other young cadets who didn't deserve

the wrath that I poured down on their innocent souls.

There was a lawsuit. Charges were filed.

Disgrace.

I can't even remember the fire

but I do remember

the CAUSE! Through all of my suffering...

..I saw the STUPID grinning face

of the one person responsible for all of my suffering!

Who?

Die!

Die!

Die!

Sir, cut it out, your hooks are cold. (CRIES)

"(SOFT, ROMANTIC MUSIC)"

And then Dewey and Marshmallow killed the evil dragon,

rescued the poor little princess

and flew all the way back home.

And they got medals and big red capes

and everybody loved them.

Are you OK? (SNIFFS)

Marshmallow! Whoa!

Marshmallow, stop! > Boys, I told you to stay in your room!

I don't understand it! An entire roast?!

With your bare hands?! The salad, the potatoes, the green beans!

What do you have to say for yourself?! I was hungry.

(Let's tell him about the dog and really nail his coffin shut!)

An entire stick... of butter?!

Wait a second. How could you eat... a candle?

I like candles.

I think they're good. That's it!

You are going to the hospital and getting your stomach pumped!

Alright, young man,... I think you're empty. Well?

He's fine. We didn't find any candles but we did find some marbles

and the waistband to a pair of underpants. Don't ask.

Thank you, Doctor. Alright, Dewey, this is the end.

You and your brothers are now officially in the red zone. But -

Red zone, mister! Tomorrow night I am taking your mother out

on an emergency date. It will be a beautiful, romantic evening

that we need very badly

and nothing is going to derail it on penalty of death!

Good.

Do you want your army man?

OK.