The Big Bang Theory

Ma, Ma, calm down.

Listen to me.

I know it says click with the mouse,

but on a laptop, the trackpad is the mouse.

Now, put your finger on it.

Doesn't matter which finger.

Good choice.

Now move it down to your e-mail icon.

Yeah, the little envelope.

What do you mean, "What does it look like?"

It looks like an envelope!

Fine, you don't like the computer,

don't use it!

Sure, we can exchange it for a salad spinner. Good-bye!

That's a Hanukkah present you're regretting, huh?

I won't say that all senior citizens

who can't master technology should be publicly flogged,

but if we made an example of one or two,

it might give the others incentive to try harder.

I had a great idea.

You know how we're always having

to stop and solve differential equations,

like when you're doing Fourier analysis,

or using the Schrodinger equation?

Howard doesn't. He's only an engineer.

I was thinking, we could write a little app

that would use handwriting recognition,

and then run it through a symbolic evaluation engine.

You just use your smartphone,

take a picture of the equation and bam!

You know what's a great app? The one that makes fart noises.

You know, Leonard,

that's actually a valid idea.

Very good.

Can you say that and not make it sound like I'm a cat

who learned how to use the toilet?

No.

The two achievements are equally surprising

and equally admirable,

though if pressed,

I'd have to give a slight edge to the cat.

I'll save you the pain and nervousness

of waiting for the answer.

I agree to be part of your project. Congratulations.

Oh, yay for me.

What about you guys?

I can't promise anything,

but people do make money off stuff like this.

A few extra bucks would be nice.

I could finally move out of my mother's house.

Where would you go?

I always dreamed about building a little place of my own

over the garage.

You know, if I made more money, I could take time off from work

and give pretty girls submarine rides.

What's that?

Some weird sex thing?

No.

You take pretty girls underwater

in your private submarine, and you show them fish.

Why does everything have to be dirty with you?

I was thinking we could work on this at night,

and then maybe in a couple of weeks,

we'll have ourselves an app to sell.

Sounds like we're in business.

I think we should take a picture to capture this moment.

Yeah. Oh!

Was that the best 99 cents I ever spent, or what?

I checked the App Store.

No one is doing

handwriting-recognition differential equation solving.

Oh, dear Lord, shush.

What?

You have so few good ideas, Leonard.

And you're just going to spill the beans

in front of an outsider?

Who, me?

Sheldon, I don't think Penny cares

about handwriting-recognition based differential...

She's not going to steal our idea.

What idea? We're gonna write an application...

Okay, stop, stop!

Whatever your secret is,

I'm sure it's boring, so I'm not interested.

It's not boring at all.

You see, in higher order mathematics,

there are certain sets

of equations that... Bored.

Satisfied?

Hardly.

Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario.

A young woman alone in the big city.

Her ridiculous dream

of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.

Hey, wait a minute.

Well, hang on. Let's see where he's going.

Then it hits her.

How is she going to survive?

I mean, she has no prospects, no marketable skills.

And then one day,

she meets a group of geniuses

and their friend Howard.

Hey, I...

Hang on. Let's see where he's going.

She befriends them, and then lies in wait

until they reveal a marketable idea,

which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.

- That is ridiculous. - Oh, is it?

Let's see you come up with an explanation

as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.

Oh, great. You know what?

I've already mooched dinner off you guys.

I don't need to listen to this.

There's your answer-- free food.

All right, I've taken the liberty

of drafting these workflow charts

which outline our various duties and the path we will follow

as we develop our ground-breaking new app.

Hey, why am I in charge of phone support?

Seems a bit racist.

A customer service representative

with an Indian accent will create the impression

we're a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centers.

Oh.

Very clever.

But still racist.

Duly noted, Steve from Wichita.

Why am I listed as your executive assistant?

Because the word "secretary" has fallen into disrepute.

FYI, my mother's birthday is coming up.

I'm going to need you to pick up a present.

Okay, we need to stop for a minute.

Leonard, please, we can talk during our break.

We have one coming up at midnight.

We'll need snacks.

Sheldon, you're not in charge.

It's my idea. I'm in charge.

Oh, of course you are.

Look at the organizational chart.

You're clearly listed as founder.

Well, yes, and you're listed

as Chief Executive Officer,

Chief Financial Officer and Chief Operating Officer.

You missed Chief Science Officer,

Chairman of the Board, and Head of the Secret Santa Committee.

Okay.

You need to get clear on this right now.

I am in charge of this project.

Ooh. Leonard's going all alpha nerd on Sheldon's ass...

All right. All right, I'm not going to argue with you.

Sheldon Cooper is nothing if not a team player.

Dr. Hofstadter, you have the conn.

Thank you.

I thought we might start

by talking about the user interface.

Oh, dear Lord, we're doomed.

So this button here

will allow you to scan a new equation,

but over here, you can press this,

and just substitute new values for the coefficients.

Good one, boss.

What?

This diagram.

I assume you were opening with a joke.

It certainly buoyed up this employee's esprit de corps.

It's not a joke. It's the real design.

In that case, may I offer 27 little tweaks

to make it slightly less embarrassing?

Sheldon, I think this will work.

Let's just try it my way.

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.

I assumed that you wanted

candid truth-telling from your employees,

but I realize now, you want the mindless nattering

of complacent yes-men.

Are you done?

If you say so, boss.

So right now, this button-press event

is just triggering a dummy procedure call...

How about this for the app name?

The Surprisingly Helpful Equation-Linked

Differential Optimized Numerator.

So it spells "Sheldon."

Does it?

A happy accident.

We're not doing names now. Howard?

Like I was saying, right now it's just a dummy procedure,

but eventually, it will drop us into...

All right, fine.

If we're not going to give it a name,

can we at least give it a secret code designation?

- No. - Hear me out.

The atomic bomb was The Manhattan Project.

Windows 95 was originally Project Chicago.

For our app, I would humbly suggest Project Nodlehs.

That's just "Sheldon" backwards.

Another happy accident.

We're not wasting time with names right now.

I see.

Is that decision open for discussion?