Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

''Ladies and gentlemen, Pete Holmes.''

Hello, everybody how's it going.

Thank you so much. Sit down. Have a seat. Thank you.

''Pete.''

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you guys. Look at you.

We're here.

You... yeah.

You made it. I'm proud of you.

We're doing something.

You... I mean it.

This is sincere, you left the house?

That's no small feat.

You know how hard it is to leave... I think you do.

It's fucking hard to leave the house.

You should be proud you left that... you know, what's in the house?

Fucking everything?

Fucking everything is in the house.

All your food, all your little snacks.

The long chair you call a couch. Oh, so comfy.

Climate control.

You can close the door there's that click.

You know, that click, get a nice seal on your perimeter.

That's good feeling, you close the door and you lizard brain hears the click

it's like, ''let's remain here.''

Stay here forever.

Not you guys, you're like ''Fuck it. We're going into the dark night.''

We'll find parking, we'll make it work.

You're like Dora the Goddamn Explorers.

I'm impressed.

I'm honoured. What did you pass up in your homes? Any movie?

You guys said no to any movie.

To come to this.

To roll the dice on live entertainment.

Yeah, sure.

I agree.

And it could go either way.

So glad.

I really what I was about to say ''I'm so glad this is going well.''

I know. It's weird.

We all wanted to be good you know what I mean?

We're all in the same boat. I'm being filmed you're being filmed too.

Some of you were like... and there's...

There's a camera right next to you you're like, ''How do I laugh normal?''

No.

Don't be nervous.

It's gonna be fine.

I dressed up. This is dressed up for me.

Some comedian wear suits for their specials this is a suit for me.

A hard pant, I don't wanna be wearing a hard pants.

What the fuck am I doing in these hard non-giving pants?

All day before I changed for the show I was head-to-toe lululemon.

It's true. All day, I was rocking the dream I was wearing head-to-toe lululemon.

If you don't know what lululemon is you're a good person.

Lululemon is a high-end yoga wear for assholes who don't do yoga.

And I'm one of them.

I'm one of those assholes.

I like it. I love it.

My guy friends give me shit.

They tease me for wearing lulu.

They're like, ''There's a men section?'' I'm like, ''Yeah. You got to look for it.''

It moves around. You can find it.

I like it. They think women don't like a guy in a lulu. I disagree.

I think women like a guy in a lulu, because if I go up to a woman wearing lululemon

It does all the work for me.

Before even say anything, it nonverbally transmits just say, ''Hey, relax.''

''Nothing bad is about to happen to you.''

No one has ever gone up to a cop like ''He went that way.''

''He's wearing lululemon.''

''Go now. He's fast and nimble.''

''He can move and bend in ways your uniform doesn't allow.''

It never happened.

Mike pence looks like a clear gummy bear is that...

Is that anything?

He looks like a clear gummy like kind of got his shit together.

You know what I mean, like, he bought a suit, like a human suit.

He learned how to tie a tie with his unformed gummy hands, like...

He rehearsed in the mirror at home like, ''Hello.''

''Hello, Mr. President.''

Look at him go.

My fucking pina colada gummy bear got all the way to Oval Office.

It's like he's a bad a guy but that's impressive for a candy.

''Please, don't leave me in a hot car.''

Like Mike Pence has said he doesn't wanna be left in the room alone

with a woman that's not his wife. I don't think that's sexual.

I think he's too delicious.

If you laughed at that, you're gonna love this show. Like, you're gonna...

You picked the right night.

You picked the right night.

My wife and I, this is exciting we just had a baby, so we...

Thank you very much.

I'm so glad that you guys baby positive.

The baby is only about a month old. But when I started doing sets...

I know, it's crazy, she just got here. Where was she?

I was sleeping next to my wife and consciousness flipped on in her belly

just bink, it's here now.

And it's my responsibility. That's insane.

But then you guys are positive. I've been talking about the baby on stage

right when she was born, I was like ''We just had a baby.''

Somebody in the audience just like you guys were, ''Yeah. Your life is over.''

''Bye-bye, life.''

''Bye-bye, life. your life, that's over.''

''Your life is over.''

And I was like ''Yeah, I don't fucking care.''

I had a good run.

I had 39 uninterrupted years of just like ''You guys eaten cheese?''

Like, let's fucking...

mix this up.

I can't be 40, like, ''I'm really looking forward to the new Joker movie.''

Like, let's get some new people in here.

That's not bad. People all warn you that you don't sleep.

You sleep, you just sleep different.

You sleep in bursts.

Sleep for, like, three hours and you're up for an hour.

Sleep for two hours and you're up for an hour.

It's fine. Because the best part of sleep is falling asleep.

It's the only part you're there for.

It's the only part you're there for. The rest is just a coma.

When you say you love sleep

you mean that moment where you're waiting and you're like

''Oh, here we go.'' Like that?

That's what you mean when you cascade into the caramel waterfall

and it's a surprise every time, like ''Oh, it's got me.''

Where you're the spoonful of sugar and you get swirled into the glass of ice tea

that's slumber and you're like ''I'm going away.''

That is the best part of sleep.

It's the only good part of sleep.

And because I have a baby now I get to do this 22 times a night.

It's the best.

I was getting up to pee anyway.

It's funny when you go to the hospital you have the baby

they give you a baby.

They give you your baby.

I knew it was my baby. My baby looks like me. It feels impolite.

Like it's not supposed to be, it came out. It was embarrassing.

I was like, ''Oh, shit. It's me.'' Like that's not...

It's like my genes are assholes. They're bully genes.

They got in the mix and my genes were just like, ''We don't want to jell.''

''This guy's nose. This guy's lips.''

''This guy's labia.'' It's my baby.

It's embarrassing.

You're supposed to be 50/50 with your wife.

You're supposed to puff puff past the baby.

And I bogarted the baby.

So they gave me the baby and I was like ''Face match ID, a hundred percent.''

But before you leave the hospital, they all say the same thing. The parents will know.

They all give you the same advice every single nurse, there's like 20 nurses.

They all told us, they go ''Hey, never shake a baby.''

Over and over. Another nurse, really. Really.

''Hey, listen up.''

''Don't shake a baby.''

There's posters that say ''Never ever shake a baby.''

Val and I was like, ''What the fuck? Who would shake a baby?''

we're like in love with this little baby.

What they don't tell you is you're gonna wanna shake that baby.

Oh, you're gonna wanna shake the shit of that baby.

You're gonna be tempted as fuck to shake like a goddamn Etch A Sketch

or a hysterical woman in an office in the '60's, like, ''Goddamn it, Diane.''

But you want to shake the baby.

I wish I knew. It's not like it's out of nowhere.

It's not like you're having a quite night at home

and the baby's in the crib and you're like ''Oh, I got an idea.''

It's not that.

They tell you when the baby cries rock the baby.

They tell you swing the baby.

This is code for kind of shake your baby.

So the baby starts crying a little bit you shake it a little bit, and it works.

And it starts crying a lot, turned bright red screaming in your face

and you're like, ''What?''

It stands to reason.

You want to.

The logic tracks, but you can't.

Because you guys know, I'm talk... sure some of you know.

You know what happens, what a disease is called if you shake a baby?

- Yeah - Shaken, yes

Shaking baby syndrome.

It's the name of the disease.

It might as well be called Dad Lost It.

The disease includes what happened.

It's like a shame disease. It's like a scarlet letter name for disease.

It's made to dissuade you from doing it because you can't be casual.

You can be casual about other diseases. You can be like, ''Yeah, I got to go home.''

''My baby's got a little bit of jaundice.''

''It's not a big deal. She's just working through some jaundice.''

You can't be... you can't be like you got to go home.

''My baby has got Shaken baby syndrome.''

''Yeah, I don't know what happened.''

''It's going around.''

''She caught it. It's, it's in the air.''

Everyone knows some shit went down. You can't, there's no excuse.

You can't be like, ''Yeah, we went off-roading, um...''

''I told her to buckle up but she's a little Guy Fieri. She doesn't give a fuck.''

She got tossed and tussled. She's fucked up now, I know, yeah.

Like, I mean, I put her on my cell phone it was on vibrate, got few calls.

She's different now.

I've never shaken the baby. You don't shake the baby.

You want to.

I wish someone told me. I'm like, ''Am I a monster?''

''No, it's everybody.''

I love having a baby, Baby Lilo.