Columbo

Better than the Borgias.

Time for a little spontaneous merriment!

Junior!

Workers arise! Protest the sale of your company, your jobs.

Junior, please, come on!

Junior, Junior, please wait. What is that? Plastic?

Yeah.

You invent it?

Oh, no, I wish I had. But, I mean,

not that anybody'd cares around this square organization.

Mr.Stanford, Mr.Buckner is waiting.

Bye, girls!

Roger, what is the matter with you?

Well, what's wrong? I came right over the moment you phoned.

I was afraid you'd gone home. I tried every place in the plant.

Roger.

What were you doing in your darkroom?

Now don't you worry. You were underexposed.

You didn't, you didn't develop those pictures?

You know, I've been analyzing this stuff.

Why doesn't our plastics division ever make...

Get into your uncle. He is very upset!

Now, wait! What is that stuff doing here?

Benson dropped it off from the house.

I'm gonna have someone take it out to his car.

But he isn't going to Pinewild until tomorrow morning!

At breakfast, he told Aunt Dory...

So he changed his mind. Roger, please...

No, no, no, wait a minute. Have you checked to make sure that...

...Benson packed everything he needed?

I mean the...royal cravats? The gold toothbrush? That's...

No cigars! Oh, Benson, you are fired.

And you, Miss Bishop, you are next!

Do you realize what will happen when the great D.L. wakes up to...

...find no box of Fidel's finest?

I was just gonna get them.

Will you stop this? Roger, he's got Quincy in there with him.

Oh, you know, I love that worried expression on your face.

Now, you just hold... hold it.

Roger, stop this and get in there.

Come on, now, give me a smile.

Now, Roger. What do you think?

Smile. Look over here and smile.

Roger, will you put that silly camera down and tell me now, what do you think?

Oh, I tell you Quincy.

When I was seventeen years old, I told my aunt not to marry him.

Oh D.L., your syntax is terrible.

Listen to this, I, Roger Stanford the second...

Roger, I have a management meeting, I'd like to wind up.

Who is going to believe this, anyway? I mean, a statement from me,

approving the sale of a company that my own father started.

I mean, he'd roll over in his grave.

You know, you didn't read down the bottom there, the last paragraph.

They'll believe it all right,

if you tell them that you've lost your interest in chemicals,

you don't care about working here anymore,

and you're going to Europe.

Oh!

I've got to calm my people down around here, Roger.

I've got to get rid of this rumor, this silly fear that...

...the sale of the company is going to endanger their jobs.

It's not. It's not going to change anything around here.

Except at the top!

Because besides being President of Stanford Chemical,

you would also be the big man in the conglomerate.

Now, wouldn't you?

No, no, it isn't just me, Roger.

Yeah, and what about your vice president, I mean, how long is...

...Logan gonna last when they find out how he opposed you?

He thinks the sale of this company is criminal. Me, look, I don't matter.

I didn't inherit enough stock, but Aunt Dory did!

And I tell you, you haven't persuaded her yet.

She'll go along just as soon as you do.

If she hadn't bent over backwards to spoil you and pamper you,

when she took you in as a kid.

Oh, Quincy. Isn't he amusing?

He married my aunt but he couldn't marry her stock, what's the matter?

Why can't you get her to give you control?

It's almost six o'clock, Mr.Buckner.

The roads will be wet and we've got a long drive.

Yes, let's get on with it, Quin.

I thought there'd be something else.

Yes, there is.

Roger, I've been very patient with you down through these past several years.

All the trouble you've caused here in this company.

Not to mention the half a million dollars you cost us...

...by fooling around in something you called research.

That was kind of you.

But enough is enough.

Quincy.

Item: I found the place where you gamble in Vegas.

This is a letter from a handwriting expert...

...that'll swear you forged your aunt's signature.

Oh D.L., now this, it's really beneath you.

Go on, Quin.

Item: The drug thing in college.

Item: The mess in Acapulco and...

this is a photostat of that car-theft report.

Oh Quincy, I tell you, you are superb. You really are, you know,

You are the best combination chauffeur and private detective...

...in the business. Yeah, but what is the matter?

Now tell me, why can't he get something for you on Logan...

...and get rid of all your opposition?

Tell me, now, Quincy, what is he, what's wrong?

Your wiretapping. It's not working?

Why can't you frame a harmless old bachelor?

Yes, Valerie?

Excuse me, Mr.Buckner. Mr.Logan and the others are here.

Thank you.

It's all here, Roger.

Tomorrow, some of the attorneys from the conglomerate...

...are coming up to meet with me at the cabin at Pinewild...

...to discuss the terms of the sale.

But tonight, I want you to go see your Aunt Dory.

Tell her you don't care about working here anymore, you're quitting.

And tomorrow, you release that statement to the press.

Otherwise, I'm afraid I'll... I'll have to show her all this.

You really would, wouldn't you?

I would.

You know, D.L.? I have been well aware of...

...what you and Quincy have been up to the last couple of months and...

seeing you've got my back up against the wall,

You win.

Hmm?

You're going to give up this easily?

I just know when I'm outclassed.

I'll sign it tonight.

Anyway, I mean, who wants a chemical company?

Ah, gentlemen.

- Hello, Roger! - Hello, Junior!

Oh, and good night, Uncle David!

Well?

Don't worry. They haven't set Quincy onto you, yet.

If only you didn't feel it necessary to play the fool so much.

What was it this time?

Oh, it's nothing. Really nothing, it's nothing at all. Except...

...we have decided that it is time for people to stop calling me...

..."Junior" around here.

Roger, shall we see each other later?

Why not?

I've got this little job to do first, but it shouldn't take very long.

Wasting your time, Fergy, it's gonna rain.

Good night, Junior.

Oh, oh, Fergy, I am sorry,

I forgot to tell you this morning, but could you look under my hood.

I think I've got a loose plug wire or something.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Oh, you have missed a spot here, Fergy. My uncle will not like that.

You're crazy, Junior. The wiring's okay.

Hose clamp needs tightening a little, that's all.

It does? How did that get loose?

Oh, don't worry, Fergy. I don't want you to miss your nickel tip.

Oh Sir?

Who are you?

Is that you?

Your aunt said it sounded like a car down here in the drive.

I mean, you're Mr.Stanford, aren't you?

Well, obviously. And who might you be?

Oh, I'm sorry. Columbo... Lieutenant Columbo. I'm from the police.

The police?

You mean, that old heap out there is yours?

Oh, yeah. It needs a coat of paint, doesn't it?

Anyway, Mrs.Buckner, she asked me to get you quick.

There are no servants up there in the house.

She was afraid you were gonna go straight onto your place or something.

Why? What's wrong?

Oh, nothing that we know about so far, but she's very upset.

So I suggest that you close your door and come right away.

My...? Oh, no, I don't live here.

I live in a guest cottage out back, that's what she meant.

This is where the chauffeur lives. See,

I was on my way home tonight. I thought I saw his door open.

You did? The chauffeur?

You mean Mr.Quincy? The fellow who was driving Mr.Buckner tonight?

I'd better look in here.

Couldn't you find the light?

Well, of course, I did.

I mean, that's how I found out nobody was home.

Well, everything seems to be in order.

Maybe somebody's been tampering with this lock.

Lieutenant, just what are you doing here now? What has happened?

Mr.Buckner, he sort of disappeared.

He may have been attacked somewhere. They warned him, didn't they?

They threw that awful stenchbomb on our lawn yesterday.

Yes, your aunt says there's been some kind of trouble out there...

...at Stanford Chemical.

Well, he has been threatened.

I know there have been those anonymous phone calls.

But those are from hotheads.

Hotheads? What are they hot about?

He's been negotiating with the conglomerate, dickering to sell.

Now, a lot of the old retainers do not like this.

You might say there has been an excess of corporate bad feeling.

I see. How did you feel about this, ma'am?

Did you side with your husband on this?

I was in the process of making up my mind,

which is beside the point right now.

David is missing. That's the only issue.

Yes, it certainly is, ma'am.