At Middleton

It's a fanfare.

It's great... arrival music.

It's "Fanfare for a Son"... a classic.

Dad, I caved on the shirt. I'm not wearing the tie.

A young man in a tie makes a statement.

What, that my father dresses me in the morning?

Nobody wears ties to these things.

What?

Without the tie, we're having the sex talk.

Oh, my God.

I need a six-letter word for llama.

- Llama? - Yeah.

Vicuña.

How could you possibly know that?

Give me another one.

Okay, um, feckless.

What's another word for feckless?

- Feckless? - Yeah.

Honey, feckless is the other word.

Come on, it's nine letters.

- Mom. - Yeah?

- You just missed the turn. - No, I didn't.

You looked right at the sign that said "Middleton Campus Not This Way."

I don't know what you're talking about.

What is wrong with you? You're gonna make me late.

It's pointless!

What's pointless?

The goddamn nine-letter word for feckless.

Pointless.

Right?

Look, Con rad, I know that Middleton

is not at the top of your list, but just give it a chance.

Sometimes a place can surprise you.

I'm surprised no one's wearing a tie.

Can't you just park head in, like most every other driver on the planet?

I've told you before, you have much better visibility

when you're exiting a parking space...

Dad, you just got parked.

Hi. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Hi. Good morning.

- Hi. - Good morning.

Uh, you took my spot.

I thought you were pulling into that one.

No, I was gonna back... you know, I was going to go like...

and then come in and back into this one like that.

Ah, you're one of those.

- What does that mean? - Look, it's a parking lot.

There's a space. Celebrate.

Celebrate?

Of course a guy who wears a bow tie would back into a parking space.

Morn, just let it go.

Celebrate.

I bet you he irons his underwear.

I bet you he waits 30 minutes after eating before swimming.

You know fuming is feckless, right?

Yeah, and I bet you he made his boy wear that tie.

Oh, my God, let's go!

Of course she drives an X5 with 40-inch wheels

because we all know how treacherous these paved roads can be.

She had Colorado plates.

Yeah, well, God save the grizzlies.

All right, hey, everybody.

- Gather round. - Here we go.

Hope everybody had a good drive in, 10:00 tour.

Okay, welcome to Meet Middleton!

First, let's meet Justin. Hi.

That's me. I'm Justin. Great to meet you guys.

- Hi, Justin. - I'll be taking you around today.

Let's just pass these bad boys out...

a little brochure, a map of the campus, know where we're going.

- Thank you. - Okay, cool.

A couple things about me... I'm a junior at the college

and a double major in music and horticulture...

unfortunately known as a dingleberry.

Thank you.

Um, we're gonna take a two-hour tour,

after which we'll break for lunch.

And then we're gonna have a pretty exciting thing.

You're gonna meet the faculty member

from the department of your choice.

And by the time the afternoon bell sounds...

you'll have fallen in love.

I guarantee it.

Well, all right, so let's get this little tour bus on the road,

you rock stars.

Come on! Let's get going.

- They have a planetarium. - It's an observatory.

- It's an observatory, chief. - A fun fact about the walkway

we're currently on...

it was built by a thousand children in 1842.

What a waste of a perfectly beautiful tie.

- Tell me about it. - I'm just kidding. Just 100...

Lovely day. Let's go over here.

Come on in. Come on in. Don't be shy.

It's just me.

Now, the college, which is situated on

just over 100 breathtaking acres,

was founded in 1887 by Lowndes Pope Middleton,

who as a young man made a fortune in whale blubber

before finding his true calling

in education and philanthropy.

Now, his bronze likeness once stood upon this pedestal,

but fell prey to some bandits in the late 1960s.

Why didn't they replace him?

Well, you know, these boots have sort of become

a living metaphor for the mission of Middleton.

Have you had any deaths on campus?

You'd be surprised. There are a lot of deaths.

I'm just kidding. There's... no.

Very, very safe here.

We have a security team of students. They're volunteers.

They're constantly patrolling. We give them small nightsticks.

And they make sure everybody sort of stays in order.

It's a good system.

I see the toe of the boot is fairly worn out.

Is that a tradition... to rub the toes there?

It is. It is. Thank you for bringing that up.

Before an important day or test or something,

you're supposed to kiss the boot.

- Any rapes? - Oh, my God.

A lot of rapes. But that's typical at college, you know.

That's what you're getting into.

Yeah. So it's a fantastic tradition.

- I need a coffee. - You had two cups in the car.

- Do you want one? Can I get you one? - No.

Cool. Any more questions? Love questions.

They're not even gonna notice I'm gone, okay?

- Excuse me. - Our next stop on the tour

is gonna be the Pope Library.

Now this thing is brand-spanking-new, so you're gonna be pretty impressed.

Okay? Just remember, don't smudge the glass.

It's the hospital. I'll see you in the library.

- All right. - And wipe those boots before entering.

Come on, you rascals.

We're having fun. We're having fun.

Say it.

Hello. Yes. Dr. Hartman.

Yes. Hello?

Yes, Dr. Ha... hello? Hello?

Unbelievable.

One of those, please.

Make it two.

I hear they keep the doctor away.

I talked... doctor...

but... when... George, are you...

The connection... George?

George? Hey.

George, are you the...?

Can't hear... you there?

George, I'm dying. Help me.

Larry, are you there? Larry.

- George, you still there? - Yeah, I got you.

- George? - Listen, Larry,

there's nothing to worry about, okay?

You're in good hands. I need you to relax.

Call me anytime, all right? Larry? Larry?

These things are so feckless, don't you think?

Excuse me?

These tours.

- Feckless? - Mm-hmm.

Let me guess... you're a high school English teacher.

Wrong. How about you?

Wait, let me guess. Let me guess.

Are you a Brooks Brothers model?

I'm a cardiac surgeon. I was speaking with a patient.

Mm, so you can fix a heart over the phone?

Depends on the data plan.

Well, is he gonna make it?

I'm not sure.

Oh.

George Hartman.

Oh.

What?

Heart man?

Oh, yes. Well, what can I say? I like things neat.

I'm Edith Martin.

Edith? Oh.

Oh, I know, I know, but it's gonna make a comeback.

Just wait and see.

Excuse me.

Do you know where the Pope Library is?

Yeah.

It's the building next to the building behind that building.

So next to the thing?

Exactly.

43 grand a year and that's the best they can do?

You made your boy put on that tie, didn't you?

You mean the waste of a tie.

Well, it's obvious he doesn't want to wear it.

I was just trying to be encouraging.

Well, your girl seemed very determined.

Audrey. Yeah, I named her after Audrey Hepburn,

but it was a serious miscalculation. I should have named her Benito.

- A smartphone fascist? - Right?

Oh, my God.

If Audrey had to give up either her phone

or a kidney, she'd be on dialysis, I'm sure of it.

So is Middleton your first stop?

No, it's our only stop.