Crawdaddy

Sometimes I feel like a wild animal, caged in a zoo,

held captive in a habitat made to look and feel like my own.

I have everything that I need in here, but nothing that I want,

and that's when I start to make trouble.

This is my boyfriend Adam, the artist,

the actor, the king of our little kingdom.

We're five years in now, and I've never felt so loved,

so bored, so horny.

Lance, Adam's best friend and first knight,

the science teacher,

monotonizing his existence one experiment at a time.

Fantasy is defined as the activity of imagining things

that are impossible or improbable.

My fantasies are what set me free.

When the barriers dissolve

and the wild animal dreams of life in the jungle,

only to get caught in the circus.

Like Eve, cast out of Eden, banned from her paradise,

my tornado swoops in, and I'm caught in my thirties.

No career, no children, no compass.

My only life raft, a raging clitoris,

and men as my only motivation, my salvation.

It's not just my crisis, it's a global crisis, a pandemic.

My world just got a whole lot smaller.

The question is, can my cage become my chariot?

Can it take me to life beyond the reverie?

I haven't been single since I was in grade three.

It all started when I fell in love

with my two best friends, Jared and Nikki.

One day, during recess, I received my scarlet letter.

They wrote their names in bold lettering

and asked me to circle which one I wanted to be my boyfriend.

I remember that choice made me feel so goddamn powerful,

and I wanted to feel that way for the rest of my life.

Yeah, so, you know, I chose Nikki.

Obviously.

- We were soulmates. - Mm.

- You know? - Mm-hmm.

He told me he waited fuckin' lifetimes to be with me.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- It's so deep, Macy. - Right.

We were eight.

- Eight years old. - That's young.

Don't get me wrong, though.

Like, I was so attracted to Jared.

Babe, you want beer? You still drinking wine?

Yeah, wine.

And, you know, I think I kind of liked him

because he looked like me.

- Oh. - And they call this something.

I was reading about it the other day.

- It's like a... - Lance probably knows.

Genetic assortative mating.

Fuck you, you smart bitch.

Fucking A, man. That's it.

Have you ever been to Greece?

Um, no. Those are Lance's travel destinations.

Greece!

- Uh-huh. - I have an idea.

So, matchbooks are the new business cards.

There's a huge opportunity here for sure.

- We source. - Sell me on it. Sell me on it.

Half a dozen designs online.

And we sell them to hotels,

bars, restaurants, salons, whatever.

We slap on the branding. Contact info.

- And we're off to the races. - Yeah, but,

no, there's a problem though because nobody smokes anymore.

- Ah. - Mm-mm.

I still smoke.

You're an anomaly. Anyways, doesn't matter.

Everyone's just wanting to resurrect the past.

We're nostalgic for it more than ever.

It's the mid-century modern pandemic

that's really taken over.

Speaking of nostalgic...

I haven't seen one of these things since I was a kid.

Careful, Lance.

That's my phantom cock.

Your what?

Yeah. I always felt like I had one.

And that's it personified in an inanimate object.

- Actually? - Uh-huh.

- Babe. - Why?

- Babe. - Do you want it? Take it.

- It's yours. - Don't, man.

That's voodoo shit right there.

No, she said it's mine. It's all mine.

It's the ghost dick.

Hey. Hey.

- Hey. - You okay?

- Yeah, I'm okay. - You're just... You're quiet.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay. It's... it's late.

Yeah.

You think that we could maybe wrap it up soon?

Yeah. Yeah, no, they're gonna go.

- I've talked to Adam. - Okay. Great.

Do you...

Do you guys want to play a board game or something?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Games give me anxiety. No. I'm going for my smoke.

I'm gonna go for one.

Lance, I'd prefer if you didn't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It's good. Yeah.

So you really feel like you have a ghost stick, huh?

Yeah.

Huh. Cool.

What am I supposed to be seeing here?

Well, it's a little cloudy right now, but...

I had this pointed at this perfect semicircle of stars

called the Corona Borealis.

You actually call it that?

Yeah.

What does that mean?

It means northern crown.

It was a gift from the Greek god, Dionysus

given to the Cretan princess, Ariadne.

You know, your eyes are like the world cut in half.

No.

Yeah.

You have this bluish-green oceanic crust

around the outside.

There's a mantle ring of fiery orange

that outlines your pupils.

And that's when I say it's story time.

What's up?

Don't you recall when we were young lads

and we would play under the trampoline?

You and me fantasizing

about where we would travel in the world.

I'm good.

My... my... my man, Lancealot.

He's got to learn to dance a lot.

He puts his mind and body in a trance a lot.

Then he gets his hankies not in the right chat.

- Fuck it. -

Yes!

We're not being too COVID safe out here, are we?

We ain't being too COVID safe.

I'm so fucking baked.

That's just inappropriate.

Dude, don't pretend like you know what you're doing.

I want a child.

- I have some. - I want like, nine of them.

I have some.

We have an early morning tomorrow, Lance.

Yeah, you guys should go.

Macy was off the hook tonight, huh?

Hm?

Yeah, I think she had like three sparkling waters.

She's good for him, though.

Can you hurry up? You're taking forever.

Deja vu.

Yeah. No shit.

Every goddamn weekend.

But we're having a good time.

Mm.

No more screens.

Just dreams.

Gwynn...

I need your help.

- -

After gifting him with a white bull

that was to be sacrificed to the gods,

Poseidon learned that King Minos had disobeyed him,

- keeping the bull for himself. -

Out of fury, Poseidon cursed Queen Pasiphaë to fall in love

and fornicate with the beast,

a carnal act that resulted in the pregnancy

and the subsequent birth of the infamous Minotaur,

the half-bull, half-man creature,

and Minos imprisoned him in the labyrinth

on the island of Crete.

- M'lady. -

You sure pulled the ripcord last night, huh, bud?

Yeah.

Okay.

So, I told Adam about the dream.

He was a little thrown off at first,

but he rarely gets jealous.

How was he?

Often makes me wonder

how much I could really get away with.

Why?

This dream was an omen.

Couldn't get it up?

A call to action.

But how was I going to help Lance?

You guys are gonna love this,

0the kitchen is this way. - Okay.

It has been renovated top to bottom.

Oh, my God.

The appliances are all still under warranty.

There's great stone countertops, custom cabinetry,

no expense has been spared, amazing dishwasher.

And my favorite thing about this space

is these north-facing windows.

You get this, um...

Oh, uh, it is this one.