Pete versus Life

'This week on Pete Versus Life,

'the would-be sports scribe with the poor social skills

'meets some truly terrifying opponents.

'Ros, the only cougar to have slept with a member

'of John Major's cabinet, and Gareth Gates.

'Anna. Her favourite TV show is Sex And The City,

'but she turns it off during the rude bits.

'And Duncan, the high-flying banker who can't get to sleep at night

'unless he's sacked someone.

'Let's see how he gets on in Pete Versus Life.'

Welcome. I'm Colin King.

And I'm Terry McIlroy.

And we join Pete at a Premier League football club,

not for a game but for a charity art auction,

the proceeds being split between a clean-water initiative in Togo

and a luxury players' spa.

Thank you.

Oh, actually, I might just take another one for my friend who's coming in a bit.

'That's prudent. You never know when they're coming round again.

'Pete now approaching a glass box full of sand.

'It's called The Forest and it's expected to go for 50,000.

'I'm saying nothing.'

Well, what do you think?

Er...

Well, I think it's a very interesting comment on the...

on the ravaging of Earth's resources.

I'm not the artist.

Oh. Well, in that case, it's a bit on the shit side, isn't it?

Oh, I like you. I'm Ros.

I'm Pete.

Please don't let this put you off bidding. Oh, I'm not bidding for anything. I'm only here for the free food.

Oh, I love it when two worlds clash like this, art and football.

Mm. Yeah. Me too. So, which team do you play for?

I'm doing quite well with you, aren't I?

If I did play football, it would be West Ham.

I used to have such a crush on Geoff Hurst. I remember...

Hang on. You can remember Geoff Hurst?

I am 50.

You're 50?! Are you sure?

If you come back with me later, I'll show you my driving licence.

'Oh, that to me sounded like a clear concrete offer

'of sexual intercourse. What's he going to do, Terry?'

Well, until she mentioned her age, he was definitely up for it,

experienced older woman etc. But 50 might be a bridge too far.

Which way is he going to jump? Let's find out.

Driving licence, you say?

Well, maybe I could have look to see if you have any fixed penalties.

I've got dozens.

'Promising.'

I'm a very naughty girl.

'Oh, that is quite a house, eh, Terry?

'Yeah. They had to knock down a 14th-century church to build that.

'Ooh, and I think that is a hand on the bum.'

Yep. Let's take a look at that again on Hawk-Eye.

There's the hand coming in.

Smack in the middle of the left cheek.

'Oh, and now they're off.'

I've never been home with a MILF before.

What's a MILF?

Doesn't matter.

Come on. Tell me.

Well, it means, um...

'Oh, dear. He's desperately trying to think of some other words

'that might fit the acronym MILF.

'Oh, dear. He's a poor lad. There's nothing there.

Come on, Pete. You can't shock me.

It stands for...

Mother I'd Like To Fuck.

Technically, I could be a GILF.

A grandmother you'd like to fuck.

Really?

Don't move.

I'll be back in a sec.

'Oh, she's off to the bathroom,

'and she's mentioned grandmother. Doubts starting to creep in.

'Crikey! Vitalize Senior +. That is a first.'

'Pete's granny used to do that when she came to stay at Christmas.

'And that to Peter sounded like

'dentures being dropped into a glass of water.

'Well, his imagination's running away with him, Colin.

'Yes. Pete now wondering

'exactly what is going to come back through that door.'

Oh, what a relief.

I'm going to fuck you into the middle of next week.

OK, then.

'The morning after the night before,

'and it has to be said, he's loving this Hampstead lifestyle.

'Aye, he's just had a shower in a wet room

'large enough to wash down a racehorse.

'He's enjoying his breakfast in this fabulously-equipped kitchen.

'State-of-the-art espresso maker, wine cooler,

'and best of all, Pete's favourites, Choc Boulders.

Ah. Good morning.

Hello.

Don't mind me. I'll grab a quick coffee and get out of your hair.

OK. I hope you don't mind, I helped myself to some Choco Boulders.

Yes, help yourself to anything.

Anything at all. I shouldn't even be here.

Right. So... w-why are you here?

Ah. I didn't hear you come in last night.

Well, it was very late.

And... good morning to you.

Get off! That man might not like it.

This is Duncan, my husband.

Oh, hello.

Peter. My new lover.

Well, early days.

Peter. My wife and I have an open relationship.

I only hope you enjoyed her.

Oh, yeah, it was very nice, thank you.

Good.

Russell Brand called. He wants his trousers back.

Yeah, well, I didn't choose them, did I?

You look like a 26-year-old having a mid-life crisis.

They were chosen by a middle-aged woman.

You're behaving a little bit like a prostitute.

I'm in a bit of a grey area, but I wouldn't say prostitute.

Look at this. It's Nepalese silk.

At least I won't have to buy you a birthday present this year.

Who said that?

Oh, and I think I know what I want.

You know in old films, when girls jump out of cakes, I'd love that.

A girl, dressed as a cheerleader, jumping out of a cake.

I don't want to ruin any surprises, Pete, but I can categorically say

that's not going to happen.

Hiya.

Oh, hi, all right, Anna?

Guys.

Aw. I've just thought, this really is the old gang from university...

me, Ollie, Rob...

And Anna.

Oh, yeah, it goes without saying.

I've just thought what I want to do for my birthday.

You know we keep saying we're going to go back and visit the university?

Well, we should do it!

Oh, yeah.

Look, I don't mind organising it all. Anna, can you drive?

Oh, and would you mind booking the hotel as well?

Um, actually, mate, we... we did all go up a couple of months ago.

What do you mean?

We would have asked you, but you weren't around.

I'm always around.

Well, there wasn't enough room in the car, anyway.

Oh, there's only three of you.

We took Dave Hodgson.

What did you take Dave Hodgson for?

He doesn't just talk about sport. And he chips in for petrol.

Oh, thanks very much. And anyway, I don't only talk about sport.

I've got a degree in social sciences.

It's still a BA Honours.

Look, mate, what about next weekend we all go to Alton Towers?

I'm not six years old.

You went to Legoland.

I had vouchers for Legoland.

Look, I can believe this off her, but you two?!

She has got a name, Pete.

I see how it is.

Well, I'm going to see someone tonight who loves me for who I am,

not how much petrol they can get out of me.

Oh, come on, Pete. Don't be like that.

Pete, come back.

'Oh, difficult to flounce out in leather trousers.

'Let's have another look at that.

'Pete making quite a good fist of it, though.

'Quick word about Dave Hodgson here, Colin.

'He once tried to eat 50 boiled eggs in an hour,

'just like Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke, but vomited after only eight.

'Bad luck, Dave.

'So Pete's still dressed in that Byronic outfit.

'Yeah. Bit out of place. Looks a bit like a nervous vampire.'

Peter.

You're late.

Yeah, sorry. I was... I was walking and I lost track of time,

and then the bus didn't come and...

Should have got a cab.

Can't afford cabs.

If you need money, you should just ask.

Well, I couldn't do that.

Of course you could.

My husband's very, very rich.

Oh. Can I have 100, then, please?

Enjoying my wine?

Yes, thank you. It's very nice.

Very nice.

What an incisive description of the '72 Bordeaux.

I don't suppose you get much...

That's right. I've been doing a bit of digging on you.

Seems Ros has gone for her usual standard of chav.

I went to university.

Yes, and got a 2:2, I believe.

Yeah, it was better than I was expecting.

Ah. My two favourite men.

Well. Three's a crowd.

I'll leave you two lovebirds to it.

Here's the 100 you asked for.

I didn't say anything about 100.

Ooh... take it.

I feel a bit awkward.

'Yeah, but not enough to give it back.'

You don't mind, do you, Duncan?