Craig Ferguson: Just Being Honest

It's a great day for America, everybody!

It's...

It's a great day for me.

I finally get to use my sign!

You'd be surprised how many times in America

they're not that happy to see that sign.

We've been touring.

They're like, "This is Greensboro, North Carolina.

Boo!"

Who's smoking weed? I can smell weed.

What the fuck?

Look, this is an intervention. Actually, I'm not doing a show.

We're worried about your weed use.

You got any weed up there in the cheap seats?

Any weed going on up there?

I'm very happy to be here. If you've ever seen me before,

first of all, I apologize... no refunds.

And secondly,

you know what I like to do every evening is tell a joke,

just one joke, but a great joke...

the best joke in the world.

Yeah. No, that's true. If you Google the...

All right.

I want to encourage you. No, the...

No, no, no, no. I'm over it.

Anyway, look, this is the number-one joke

in the English language, this joke,

and the number-one joke in the United States.

And if you know anything about me,

you know I'm a very patriotic American.

No irony, no bullshit, very patriotic.

I start every show with "It's a great day for America."

That's my thing. That's my catch...

Don't. No, it's all right.

It's my catchphrase... "It's a great day for America."

I tried other catchphrases.

I tried, "That sounded dirty."

Just kind of creep people out.

And then, "See you in hell, amigos!"

And nobody could make any sense of that one.

My own personal favorite... "Fuck you, Dr. Phil!"

But...

None of them took off, so it's a great day for America.

That's my thing that I say.

That's the one I'll be saying for the rest of my life.

That's the one I'll be saying when I'm doing ads

for local car dealerships.

Come on down to Toyotathon, cheeky monkeys.

Look at these deals in new and used models.

It's a great day for America.

That's the big blowy guy out front.

I don't know.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

It's the big blowy guy out front.

Did any of you see the big blowy guy out front?

Hello. I think you know what I'm saying.

It's not a great idea having a catchphrase, to be honest,

if you do what I do,

because people get very angry if you forget to say it.

I won't say where, but recently in Greensboro, North Carolina,

I came out, and I forgot to say, "It's a great day for America,"

and there was a gentleman waiting for me

at the stage door.

And I'm not talking, like, in Broadway,

where the gentleman has a top hat and a scarf

and says, "Can I take you to a supper club, young missy?"

I mean...

Ooh, here's hoping tonight.

But, no, I mean, there was a guy waiting.

I think...I'm pretty sure he was armed.

He was like, "Why didn't you say it was a great day for America?"

I was like, "I just forgot, man."

He's like, "You didn't forget. I know what you're doing.

I seen Homeland."

It was like, "No, man, I forgot."

People get mad at you if you forget to say it,

and people get mad at you if you say it.

There's always one every night, if I come out and I'm like,

"Oh, it's a great day for America," they'll be

somebody like, "Why is it a great day for America, Craig?

My cat got shingles today."

"My cat, which is coincidentally named America."

It's all right. Cats can't get shingles.

It's just a joke.

I don't think they can get shingles, anyway.

I don't know, I'm not a doctor, just like Dr. Phil isn't.

No, I don't know.

Shingles is...I mean, I wouldn't wish shingles on a cat.

It's a terrible thing.

It is. If you've ever had shingles, it's awful.

It sounds like it'd be fabulous.

Like, "You wearing your shingles to Gay Pride?"

"Fucking bet I am, bitch.

I'm gonna be covered in shingles and smelling of weed."

But it's not like that at all, shingles.

It's like, "Oh, God! Aah, it's so painful, shingles.

I hope cats get this."

But people get mad at you if you say your catchphrase.

People get mad at you if you don't say your catchphrase.

People get mad at you if you do what I do for a living.

They just get mad at you if you just talk.

I think people are mad at me on the way to the fucking theater.

I think people are offended

before they leave the fucking house.

"You ready to go to the show?" "Yep."

"Are you offended?" "Fucking right, I am. Let's go."

So, if people get offended at one of my shows,

I think, "What did you think was gonna happen?

"What did you think was gonna happen?

I mean, what"...

Anyway, what I'm saying is

people get offended all the time.

Let me just apologize now, do you know what I mean?

Let me just apolo...because before this night is through,

I guarantee that each and every one of you will be offended

by something that I say.

Save your applause until it's your turn, all right?

Not that I'm gonna offend you, of course,

because I happen to believe what everyone in this room believes.

Craig, that's crazy. You can't believe what everyone believes.

I don't. I only believe what everyone in this room believes.

Everyone who's not here is a stupid asshole.

Am I right, everybody in this room?

Yeah!

I'm not judging them. I'm just being honest.

That's what you say, by the way, if you want to say

the worst shit you can think of and get away with it,

you just add to the sentence,

"I'm not judging. I'm just being honest."

Then you can say what the fuck you like.

It is carte blanche,

which is French for "white map."

It is white map.

It is white map to say whatever you want.

I'm not judging. I'm just being honest.

You can say what you like.

I'm not judging. I'm just being honest.

But your mom gives terrible blow jobs.

Is that too much already? All right.

We'll bring it back a bit.

I'm not judging. I'm just being honest.

Your mom gives great blow jobs.

You know, when people get offended at one of my shows,

I think, "What the fuck did you think was gonna happen?

I mean, really, you come to a tumbledown shit pit like this"...

I'm not judging. I'm just being honest.

"You come...

"you come to a beautiful theater like this,

"stinking of weed,

"to see a creepy foreigner that used to tell dirty jokes

"in the middle of the night on free TV.

What the fuck did you think was gonna happen?"

See, I think...

I used to think that everybody came to a comedy show

for a laugh, and most people do, I think,

but there are some, there's always some in every show

that are here for something better than a laugh.

They're about here tonight, I think.

They're here for something better,

not for comedy, for something ever more fun...

the exquisite pleasure of righteous indignation.

Yes, that's not funny to me,

because I'm morally superior to you.

But let me put it to you, if everyone around you

is laughing and you are not laughing,

perhaps you are not morally superior.

Perhaps you're just a miserable shit.

Not judging.

It's not that you're not allowed to be offended.

Of course you are. You must talk about what offends you.

That's what I do. I talk about what offends me.

It's just that whatever, you know, seems to offend

most people doesn't seem to bother me at all.

I'm not offended by, you know, what you believe.

I don't give a shit what your belief system is.

I mean, you're wrong, but I'm not offended by it.

I'm not offended if you think that magic underpants

are gonna put God in a good mood.

Good for you.

I'm not offended if you think

the magic Scientology machine will make you not gay.

Good for you.

Here's one.

I'm not offended if you think the biscuit turns into Jesus.

Ooh, remember how excited you were

about how offended you were gonna be?

Wait a minute.

No, of course the biscuit turns into Jesus.

Can I ask, when does the biscuit turn into Jesus?

Is it on the way to your mouth or does your saliva

activate the biscuit, turning it into Jesus?

For example, could you go to a supermarket,

open up a packet of biscuits, and go...

Jesus?

Not judging.

No, none of that offends me.

I'm not offended by your belief system.

Believe what you want. I don't care.

You know what offends me is those bastards that walk around

with shoes that look like feet.