The Big Bang Theory

Good evening.

I'm your guest lecturer, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

I was expecting applause,

but I suppose stunned silence is equally appropriate.

I agreed to speak to you this evening,

because I was told that you're the best and the brightest

of this university's doctoral candidates.

Hmm. Of course, that's like saying

you are the most important electron in a hydrogen atom.

'Cause, you see,

there's only one electron in a hydrogen atom.

Best and brightest, my sweet patootie.

All right, let's begin.

Show of hands, who here is familiar

with the concept of topological insulators?

Don't kid yourselves.

I found another tweet from a student at Sheldon's lecture.

"Dr. Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject

"and managed to make it completely insufferable.

Plus, he looks like a giant insect."

Look. Listen to this one.

"Does Einstein's theory explain why time flies

"when you're having fun,

"but when you're listening to Dr. Cooper,

it falls out of the sky, dead?"

Ooh, somebody took pictures

and uploaded them to their Flickr account.

Wow.

How do you get an entire lecture hall

to flip you off at the same time?

Apparently, if you're Sheldon,

all you need to do is turn your back.

Hey, Leonard, is your wi-fi down?

I can't get on.

Oh, Sheldon changed the password.

It's now "Penny is a freeloader."

No spaces.

Thanks. What are you guys doing?

Sheldon gave a lecture at the university tonight.

We're reading the reviews.

Oh. How'd he do?

Well, picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl

meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2.

That bad, huh?

Read this woman's tweet.

"Listening to Dr. Cooper

has made me want to start cutting myself again""

Yeah. (laughs)

Good evening, Leonard, Howard, Raj,

freeloader.

So, how'd the lecture go?

In a word, triumphant.

Really? Triumphant?

Oh, yes, you should have seen those young people.

Thirsty for knowledge, drinking in my wisdom.

I may have changed a few lives today.

Oh, please let me tell him.

I don't know, I kind of promised Howard.

Tell me what?

Actually, we should all share the moment.

Raj, if you would.

Oh, tweets about my lecture.

Hmm...

That's rather unfair.

That's downright cruel.

Plus, insects have six legs.

Yeah, I'm not familiar with the acronym "KMN""

From the context, we think it means "kill me now."

Well, I suppose everyone's entitled to their own opinion.

I think I'll turn in.

I didn't want to teach those poopy heads, anyway.

FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said

just before he started building the Death Star.

Sheldon still moping?

Yeah, it's weird. Even though he didn't want

to give the lecture in the first place,

being rejected by those students really hit him hard.

I know the feeling.

It's like accidentally walking into a gay bar

and then having no one hit on you.

It-It happened to a friend of mine.

Are you guys doing okay?

Leonard and I are fine,

but I think Raj needs to meet a girl really soon.

Well, that shouldn't be too hard.

He's such a cutie.

Thank you, but "cute" is for bunnies.

I want to be something with sex appeal,

like... like a labradoodle.

Labradoodle?

We might be starting to zero in on your problem.

Don't you listen to them.

You've got plenty of sex appeal.

You really think so?

Yeah. You're a hottie.

Well, thanks, Bernadette.

And just for the record,

labradoodles are hypo-allergenic,

which is a very sexy quality to those troubled by animal dander.

AMY (on computer): So, what do you think?

It's a charming illusion, but it does not cheer me up.

Not even when I do this?

No.

Well, that was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy.

Do you realize that teaching is the first thing

I've failed at since my ill-fated attempt

to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?

If this humiliating experience

is really troubling you,

there are things we could do about it.

For instance?

Well, the first thing that comes to mind

is isolating the part of your brain

where the memory is stored and destroying it with a laser.

Hmm, no.

One slip of the hand,

and suddenly I'm sitting in the Engineering Department,

building doodads with Wolowitz.

All right.

Have you considered improving your socialization skills,

thus allowing you

to communicate more effectively with other people?

Isn't that their burden?

I'm the one with something interesting to say.

Fair enough, but in its essence,

teaching is a performance art.

In the classroom paradigm,

the teacher has the responsibility to communicate,

as well as entertain and engage.

I sense that you're trying to slow-walk me to an epiphany.

Would you mind very much jumping to it?

Perhaps you should consider taking acting lessons.

Acting lessons.

Interesting.

It might help if I could act as though I care

about my students and whether or not they learn.

Penny.

Penny. Penny.

What?

You're an "actress," correct?

I'm not an "actress."

I'm an actress.

All right.

You're an actress.

I need you to teach me.

You want an acting lesson?

Perhaps two. I'd like to master the craft.

Okay, where is this coming from?

It has been suggested to me that acting techniques

could improve my lecturing, at which,

if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed,

I "suck the big one."

Yeah, I saw those. They were funny.

I printed a few out and put 'em on my fridge.

So, when could we start?

Okay, just to be clear.

You are asking me for help because I know something

that the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper doesn't.

I suppose that's one way to look at it.

I think it's the only way to look at it.

Are you going to help me or not?

Probably. I'm just enjoying the foreplay.

Does this mean you are done mocking my acting career?

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought making the transition

from actor to acting teacher

was the signal that one's career

had reached the end of the road.

Forget it.

I'll pay you $40.

Saturday, 9:00 a.m. Bring cash.

Raj, I have amazing news!

What?

I just got offered a fellowship

at the Weitzmann Institute in Israel.

Dude, that's incredible! I know.

The only thing is, I'm gonna be gone for two years.

Aw, I'm gonna miss you.

Are you going with him?

I have to stay here for school.

That's what we're here to talk to you about.

You see, Bernadette has needs.

What kind of needs?

Sexual needs.

Most of them regular,

some of them kind of messed up.

So, while I'm gone,

you're going to have to satisfy her.

What do you say?

I say okey-dokey.

What ya thinking so hard about?

Just that I'm definitely not gay.

SHELDON (shouting): Penny!

Penny! Penny!

What's wrong?

Nothing. I was acting.

You were acting.

Yes. In preparation for today's studies,

I read Stanislavski's An Actor Prepares,

Stella Adler's The Technique of Acting,

Uta Hagen's Respect for Acting,