Red Dwarf

Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet?

No? Shut up and push the trolley.

Yes, sir, Rimmer!

Right. Corridor 159.

Lister, shut up!

- I'm only hummin'! - Well, don't.

Lister, don't hum and don't make

any stupid sounds with your cheeks.

Lister, one more sound, anything,

and you're on report, my laddo.

What job number's this?

Right. That's it! Lister, D, Third Technician.

Offence, obstructing a superior technician

by humming, clicking and being quiet.

When the Captain sees this, you're dead.

Rimmer, I'm bored!

Bored? This is essential routine maintenance.

It's absolutely vital for the well-being of this crew,

this mission and this ship.

Dispenser 172, chicken soup nozzle clogged.

Pass me a 14-B, Lister.

Lister, is this a 14-B?

Does it look even remotely like a 14-B?

This is a 14-B, Lister.

This is a 14-F. Are you blind?

- Who cares? - I care, Lister!

It's my career, Lister. I'm the one who gets it in the neck

if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup,

and gets blackcurrant cordial with blancmange,

and two creams and a sugar.

Chicken soup.

Yup. That's working.

It's stupid anyway, all this maintenance business.

The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots

is they've got a better union than us.

Lister, that is absolute nonsense.

Right. What's next?

Botanical gardens, faulty porous circuit.

And corridor 147, sticking door.

It's true, you know, though, Rimmer.

You rank below all four of those service robots,

even the one that's gone absolutely mad.

Well, Lister, not for long, matey. Up, up, up! That's where I'm going!

Not until you pass your engineer's exam.

You won't do that because you’ll just go in there and flunk again.

Lister, last time I only failed

by the narrowest of narrow margins.

You what? You walked in there, wrote, "I am a fish" 400 times,

did a funny little dance and fainted.

That's a total lie!

No, it's not. Petersen told me.

No, it's not! Petersen told me.

Lister, if you must know, what I did was,

I wrote a discourse on porous circuits, which was simply too radical,

too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.

Yeah. You said you were a fish.

Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?

- No. It's a chicken. - Right! You're on report.

Two times in as many minutes, Lister. I don't know.

- Rimmer, Lister. - Yes, sir.

Yo, Todhunter, get down!

Indeed. Now, Rimmer, I'm just going through McIntyre's artefacts

and I see that you've filed 247 complaints

against Lister.

Yes, sir!

That's 123 counts of insulting a superior technician,

thirty-nine counts of dereliction of duty,

eighty-four counts of general insubordination

and one count of mutiny.

Yes, sir!

- Mutiny, Lister? - I stood on his toe.

Maliciously and with intent to wound.

- It was an accident! - Lister, I put it to you,

how is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident?

You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire foot,

thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty.

But the vital duty was that he was going to snap my guitar in half!

Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk

- onto the whole of my right foot. - All right, that's enough.

Had there been a crisis situation,

I would have had to perform my duties hopping.

Clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly therefore mutiny.

- Finished? - However, I'm not a vindictive man,

so I don't intend to apply for the death penalty.

There are 169 people on board this ship.

You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?

You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.

I try and respect Rimmer and everything, but it's not easy

'cause he's such a smeghead.

Did you hear that, sir?

Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing

a superior technician as a smeghead?

Oh, Rimmer.

You are a smeghead.

You heard that! With respect, sir, your career's over.

Todhunter, you're finished, you big lig!

We are all gathered here today

to pay our last respects to George McIntyre.

George was an excellent officer

and as good a friend as anyone could ever hope to have.

And he'll be missed more deeply

and more completely than he could ever know.

I now commend his ashes to the stars he loved so much.

Goodbye, George. We'll miss you.

This is a piece of music he specially requested.

Start the tape, please, Holly.

There goes McIntyre.

- Goodbye, George. - That was George?

Really? I thought it was Mary, Queen of Scots!

...Off! - Hey, I was watching that!

Well, tough!

You touch that guitar, Lister,

I'll remove the E string and garrotte you with it.

Can I do anything? Is it okay if I breathe? Can I breathe?

Lister, I have an exam tomorrow, which I intend to pass.

I know, yeah. By cheatin'.

This is not cheating! It is merely an aid to memory.

It helps me marshal the facts already in my command.

What? Copying the entire textbooks onto your body?

Why don't you hand your body in and let them mark that?

Lister, do you think it is easy

for someone like me to become an officer?

Someone who wasn't Academy educated?

Someone who didn't have the right nobby background?

Someone who didn't have the right parents?

You didn't have the right parents? Whose parents did you have?

My parents. The wrong parents.

I'm just saying, you know,

if you can't pass fair and square, why bother?

Well, you would, Lister, because you've no ambition, no drive.

You're perfectly content to be the lowest rank on the ship.

I'm not the lowest rank on this ship.

What about the laboratory mice?

Tell those mice to do something and they've got to jump to it.

Yes, Mr Lister, sir!

Lister, you are a nothing.

I'm not a nothing. I've got me plan.

What's that? The plan to be the slobbiest entity

in the entire universe?

No. Me five year plan.

You see, I'm going to do two more trips and I've been saving up all me pay.

- Since when? - Since always.

That's why I never buy any soap or deodorants

or socks or anything like that, you know.

Anyway, I'm going to buy myself a little farm on Fiji.

I'm going to get a sheep and a cow and breed horses.

With a sheep and a cow?

No. With horses and horses.

...On Fiji? - Yeah!

The prices there are unbelievable.

Yes. Because they had a volcanic eruption

and now most of Fiji is three feet below sea level!

It's only three feet. They can wade.

That's why the animals are gonna have to be quite tall.

Nice plan, Lister. Excellent plan. Brilliant plan, Lister.

What about the sheep?

What are you gonna do? Buy them water wings?

Fit them with stilts?

Better still, you could cross-breed them

with dolphins and have leaping mutton!

You can get a drainage grant these days.

Why bother, Lister?

You could be the first man to produce wet-look knitwear.

Look, this is why I never ever said anything to you

'cause I knew you'd say something like this.

Lister, you have got the brain of a cheese sandwich.

Morning, Farmer Lister!

I'm just popping down to the shops in my submarine.

Can I buy you anything?

The Welcome Back George McIntyre reception

is about to begin in the refectory.

George says he'd like to invite everybody,

especially those who weren't able to attend his funeral.

Hey, have you seen Rimmer's arm?

No. I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback.

Waiting for it to come out...

Petersen, have you got a coin?

I've just been shown this great new intelligence test.

What you gotta do is force the coin onto your forehead,

and then the more times you can bang yourself on the head

without it falling off, the more intelligent you are.

You gonna go for it?

He's going for it!

- Are you ready? Can you feel it? - Yeah!

- Can you feel it? - Yep.

- Can you feel it? - Yep.

Go!

Go on! Go for it!

Shh!

Folks, today is a day for both sadness and joy.

Sadness for the passing away of George

and joy because George is back with us, albeit as a hologram.

Now, some of you may not have travelled with a hologram before,

so I ask you to treat him as a normal man,

because he is, in every respect, like George.

He has George's personality and George's knowledge and experience.

Of course, he can't lift anything or touch anything,

so I ask you to cooperate with his requests.

And please, take every care not to walk through him,

not even when you're in a hurry. Thank you.