It's Just a Phase, Honeybunny (Es ist nur eine Phase, Hase)

Yesterday in the locker room

I see this naked old woman from the corner of my eye.

So I think: 'Awesome she's still doing sports.'

It was a mirror.

- Oh, come on! - Don't be ridiculous.

My butt looks like a collage of meatballs.

Oh, stop.

I'm turning 50. In man-years that's... 100. At least.

I used to be Theo's age, he's fooling around with a 20-year-old.

20-year-olds give up their seats for me.

- 50 is the new 30. - There you go.

Old... is old... is old...

No, thanks.

For your last study, you made me look at male genitals

and recorded my brainwaves.

I'm still traumatized.

And that smell test with the psycho women was a nightmare.

This one's different.

- What are you on? - "Seniuberty".

What's that supposed to be?

- What? - Seniors going through puberty.

You're right in the middle of it, we all are. Except Rose.

- Bullshit. - No, biology.

We're ruled by hormones.

From the age of 40, we go through reverse-puberty.

Sex hormones disappear, sagging muscles, flaccid erections,

sperm production nosedives.

And finally... your pubes fall out.

- Here we go! - Go!

Angela Merkel.

- Acid rain. - Acid rain?

Chainsaw massacre.

- Retard. - Time's up, point for us!

- An egg. - Lionel Messi.

- Lumbago. - Treasury Secretary.

- Dildo. - Ejaculation.

- Yes! - What?

Ejaculation!

See my true talents, Rose!

- The Bolshoi. - Bertolt Brecht.

Musical clock!

- Rhythmic gymnastics. - Yes.

Then Emilia's on our team.

- No way. Why? - We're a player down.

- That's not fair. - Come on.

You two are telepathic.

Let them.

- Swimmer. - Diver.

- Currywurst. - Big tits.

Dolly Buster.

- Blowfish. - Ten seconds to go.

10, 9, 8,

7, 6, 5,

4, 3, 2, 1...

- Compound interest rates. - Yes!

What?

I told you they're telepathic, they even think the same.

Compound interest, simple.

One word: money, money, and more money.

Hey...

I freakin' love charades.

So cool how you, right at the last second, boom,

spat out the compound interest rates.

- But I was wondering... - What?

What took you so long?

Back in the day, you used to just nail it.

- That's our problem? Seriously? - It isn't?

It isn't.

Because we don't have one.

I gotta hit the sack.

IT'S JUST A PHASE, HONEY

"Seniuberty"...

You're right in the middle of it. And finally... your pubes fall out.

SENIUBERTY

What else? Nasal hair, impotence, loss of vision,

hemorrhoids, prostate...

It doesn't have to be like that, thanks to affectionate masculinity.

Turn to your penis, talk to him.

He needs your love. Try it.

Yeah, right.

Like any other muscle, the pubococcygeus,

or PC muscle, can be trained.

But this isn't about erections, it's about sexual mastery.

Anyone can have a hard-on.

I'm thinking more of the Indian snake penis.

Yogis have managed to train the muscle

to give both themselves and their sexual partners

almost otherworldly pleasure.

You can do it too, it's easy.

Your prostate and your partner will thank you for it.

So, let's get started.

Pick up your man bead and very gently place it against your rectum.

Breathe calmly and relax.

We don't insert the bead yet,

we're just getting used to it.

Let's take things easy.

You're just getting acquainted.

Sense deep inside you what the bead feels like.

Make sure you maintain a relaxed position,

breathe calmly and...

Daddy.

I'm hungry.

- And... where's your mom? - Doing yoga with Fay.

I'll be in the kitchen then.

- With really big lumps. - With really big lumps.

- Morning! - Morning.

Fay, Marie, breakfast. Morning, my darling.

Hey, that's my hot chocolate.

Come on, really?

Daddy? Fay says that old people alone at the computer means they're...

masturbating.

Is that what you do?

No...

What's masturbating?

- You tell him. - Ask your father.

It's...

when you're a little older and you... like yourself.

You need a computer for that?

Hey, Fay found all these old photos yesterday.

I was pregnant with Fay on this one.

Those were the good times.

Bo's first birthday.

Everyone got a present to keep them happy.

Check out the look Dad's giving you.

- What's going on here? - Yes, what's that?

That's us, in disguise.

- As rubber toys? - As a bobsled team?

We were young too once and... pretty wild.

- Wild is one thing, but fetish sex? - Why always so bitchy, Fay.

- What's fetishex? - Running late, let's go.

- What about breakfast? - No time.

- I'll take care of this. - Thank you.

What's with the funny walk?

I must have slept in a weird position.

- Still here? - Hey.

The things we did in those, remember?

I kept them. In a box. In my room.

Really? We were so young... and wild.

- So wild... - We still are.

- In theory. - In theory?

- I got to go. - Sure.

Good luck at the publisher's.

Thanks.

René, I know what you're going to say,

"Paul, you're like a brother, I love you,

"you're my favorite writer, always been, but this is too heavy.

"No one will read it."

René, can't we just for once...

be brave?

Paul, you're like a brother, I love you,

you're my favorite writer, always been, but this here...

it's too heavy.

No one will read it, not coming from you.

- Let's be brave. - Brave?

Yes, this is literature.

- You made a fortune with my books. - So did you.

That was 20 years ago, and you know why?

Because you wrote what we all wanted to read.

You were so authentic.

Finger on life's pulse, of what we know, feel and fight over,

what we laugh about and despair over.

You want me to write in the past?

I want you to write in the present, but to be as authentic

as you were back then.

Linda, I beg you, wait!

Please understand, Linda,

I'm only a man.

I'll never understand you, Ramón.

Evita has turned my heart into a fountain of eternal youth.

- And what about me? - Thank you. Emilia...

Make it softer. In pain, but gentle, OK?

Let's go again.

Linda,

I beg of you, wait!

I'm only a man.

I'll never understand you, Ramón.

Evita has turned my heart into a fountain of eternal youth.

- And what about me? - Thank you. Emilia...

Gentle. Feminine.

Look at the guy with his porno moustache and greasy hair.

He's screwing a 20-year-old and I'm supposed to understand?

'Fountain of eternal youth' my ass!

That noise up there is driving me nuts.

Let's take advantage of it...

- No one will hear us. - Who on earth could concentrate?

You need to concentrate to have sex with me?

Then do something.

- Why me? - Who else? You're the man.

What about feminism?

Police Precinct 4, this is Officer Jahnke.

This is Mr. Mann, I'm calling about a noise disturbance.

A party, to be precise.

I see. How loud is it?

Well... it's loud.

On a scale from one to ten, how loud would you say it is?

One to... I don't know... eight?

Really? Could you recreate the sound?

How? - Like this...

Say, have you had a drink?

No... yes.... A small one.