How I Got Into College

"In the final moments of a marathon...

"two runners, "A" and "B" ,

"Pass a point that is 100 meters from the finish line at the same time...

"and then run the final 100 meters of the race at different constant speeds.

"After the runners pass the point...

"A" runs 80 meters in the time "B" runs 60 meters.

How many meters will "B" have left in the race when "A" reaches the finish line?"

Let's see.

Well, "A" is winning, right, by 60... no, 80 meters...

but at different constant speeds.

So "B" could catch up. I mean, if B's constant speed...

should somehow...

But this could be one of those trick questions.

"A" has to win, right? Yeah.

"A" must win by... Oh, God. Who knows?

Oh, I don't know the answer.

Hey!

What the hell's going on here?

Well, I-I-I'm no good on the math part.

You're a moron. It's easy!

You should have been in the verbal section. I have to think this over again.

"Over again." Forget it. I'm exhausted.

I'll run it again. You know, no problem.

- You would. - Give him a break.

It's just some junior sweating out his S.A.T.'s.

Hey, who gives a shit?

You got a problem? Afraid I'll win? Is that what's happening?

- You can't win. You're "B." You're never gonna win! - Oh, really?

You are a disgrace to the entire alphabet.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Alphabetize this!

Ladies and gentlemen...

this is a shocking situation unfolding at the finish line.

And yet wasn't the outcome entirely predictable...

with our athletes counting on...

- Marlon Browne? - Gosh, I'm sorry.

You guys should have been in Jessica Kailo's S.A.T.'s.

You'd be drinking Gatorade by now.

Are you copying?

Mm-mmm. Nope. I'm fine. Thanks.

Okay, gang. That's all. Let's go. Let's hand them in.

Here you go, Mrs. Wyler.

- How do you think you did, Marlon? - I don't know.

It's hard to tell from a bunch of dots.

Well, I'm sure you did fine. I'm sure you did fine.

Oh!

It's nothing. Really. Uh, h-have a good semester.

Oh, dear.

Are you gonna take the S.A. T.'s again next month?

I have to. With the scores I have now, I can only get into the schools I'd never go to.

Kel, it's one overrated test.

Yeah, well, you can say that, Jessica, 'cause you have really great scores.

You guys, we gotta ease up. If we're this crazy now, what's it gonna be like in April?

I'm not gonna make it to April. I know it.

I heard about one girl who lost it so bad she went into a mental institution.

You mean the one that really cracked and took off all her clothes in the interview?

Oh, yeah. Did you hear what happened?

No.

It was terrible because when she went in for her interview...

she was completely, totally prepared to discuss the nuclear freeze...

drug abuse, violence in movies...

all the important issues.

But you know what the interviewer did instead?

He hit her with a stress question.

- Bastard. - Just to watch her squirm, he asked...

"If you could be any major household appliance, which one would it be and why?"

She blurted out "vacuum cleaner,"

but couldn't back it up.

It was all downhill after that.

No matter what she said, he wasn't interested.

Finally, he turns to her and says...

"Looks like your time's up, miss...

unless you have anything else interesting you'd like to reveal about yourself."

And that's when she...

Someone told me she's still in the hospital.

No, she's dead.

- Slit her wrists with the application form. - That's how she did it?

Duh!

Come on, you guys. I was joking.

Every year people pass around these stories about the kid who cracked.

Someone just made it up to scare us.

Yeah, well, it worked for me. I'm scared.

- I'm terrified. - I think getting into college...

is just like any other campaign.

And we just need a little bit of strategy.

That's why I asked my parents to move to Montana... to help me get into some east coast schools.

Well, I don't think it's that crazy.

I'm sure gonna miss my dog though.

You're staring at me again, Marlon.

Don't do this, Oliver. I'm weak from unrequited love.

Talk to her about it and end this twisted childhood obsession with Jessica Kailo.

This is true love. How many people do you know...

who really end up with their high school sweethearts?

What are you gonna do? Wait till you get to college to talk to her?

I have seen a myriad of men come and go through Jessica Kailo's life since the sixth grade.

I am not going to make those same mistakes. I'm committed.

- You should be committed. - I know.

- I know. You have bigger plans. - Of course I do.

What's it gonna take to convince you of that?

Forget about this "go to college" crap.

What's wrong with experiencing the real world?

Look, we get out of high school, we stick out our thumbs and pow!

We got a four-year jump on everybody.

We may even run amok with rebel game show hostesses...

traveling the world with unclaimed vacation prizes.

I'm sorry, Oliver. I don't buy into the theory...

that on day one of real life...

we stick out our thumbs and pow... Vanna White picks us up...

and drives us off into a bright and exciting tomorrow.

Well, I don't buy into the theory that getting a college education...

has gotta revolve entirely around the possibility...

ofJessica Kailo finally giving you the time of day!

- It's 12:30. - Thank you.

Sure.

Here we go.

Hi, Mrs. Elzwitt-Marcato-Hazelbaum. I'm here to see Mrs. Wyler.

- Oh. - I'll be with you in a minute, Jessica.

Okay, thanks, Mrs. Wyler.

Hi, Martin.

Marlon... Browne.

- Are you gonna vote for me? - Oh, vote for you i-in the election.

For class president. Uh, of course, you don't have to.

I would love to. Why don't you give me a button, and I'll do publicity for you.

- Buttons are a dollar. - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, all right. - No, it's a joke. It's a joke.

They're just kidding you.

There you go. It looks great.

Why don't you give me some extra ones, and I'll pass them out for you.

Okay. I appreciate this.

Okay, Jessica.

When elected, Marlon, I won't let you down.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Hi. - Hi.

- So how was Italy, Jessica? - Oh, it was great. It changed my life.

Well, being an exchange student looks super on your record.

You'd be surprised how important it is the way you spend your summers.

It's getting insane. Okay, let's see.

Last spring your first choice was Michigan.

- My parents are alums. That's where they met. - Michigan's an excellent school.

- So what's the problem? - I want to go to Ramsey College.

Ooh, goody! Ramsey.

I met a group of kids in Italy who go to Ramsey.

They were on this junior-year abroad program...

in Venice to save the Italian frescoes from pollution.

While I was there, I realized it's exactly the sort of thing I want to do.

I mean, instead of being a sorority girl...

which is basically the direction I've been headed in ever since... birth.

Those kids are so cool.

When they order spaghetti, they call it pasta.

I think you have a wonderful chance to get into Ramsey.

So apply there and apply to Michigan.

Right.

- Here you go. - Oh, thank you. Good luck.

- Thanks. Bye. - Bye.

Do you have an appointment, Marlon?

Or did you just drop in? Here. Come here.

Bye-bye.

So, Marlon, uh, any specific college plan?

- Well, you know Jessica Kailo. - This Jessica Kailo?

Mm-hmm. This Jessica Kailo.

The same one that just left?

Mm-hmm. My college plan specifically...

is to go wherever she might be going.

- That's your college plan? - Mm-hmm.

That's about the size of it.

Our projections indicate that we can expect over 8,000 applications...

- for the 470 places in next year's class. - Wow.

In other words, that's almost 20 candidates for each available spot.

Thanks, Sally. In other words, it's a seller's market.

- Hear, hear. - Now, as usual...

we are top-heavy with students from both coasts.

So for those of you recruiting out west, eyes out...

for that mythical kid from Montana.

- Yes, Miss Saatchi, something funny? - No. No, sir. I'm sorry.

Oh, yes. And yesterday I received this message from the music department.

"Jesus, Bob, no more oboes."

"No more oboes."Lock up their pencils. That's one funny bunch.

By the way, did everyone see the poster Kip designed?

Oh, yeah. Hammett, the floor is yours.

Okay, well, you know, it's just our regular brochure...

but unfolded, it's an art-quality poster.

Sally, can you help me?

See. "At Ramsey, we're looking beyond the numbers."

But what does it mean exactly?

What it means, Flutter, is that, sure, grades and S.A.T.'s are important to us...

but people impress us more.

We're sending a message.

- Want to know the message this poster is sending, Kip? - No.

Bob, it sounds to me like Ramsey has an inferiority complex.

Come on. What's the problem? Ramsey always gets great kids. I went here.

Exactly.

I think our message should be that we're scrutinizing the numbers.

So do I. We should be competitive with all the top schools.

Chancellor Holbrooke, come in, please.

Sit down, everyone.

Is that a new suit? It's your color, Mrs. Holbrooke.

Thank you, Leo.

I think all of you know I'll be moving on to another school next year.

Chancellor Holbrooke will be naming my replacement.

I thought I would ask her to say a few words.