Two Doors Down

This programme contains some strong language

- So, in general, you're feeling all right? - Yeah, yeah.

Are you eating your five a day?

Aye, five Kit Kats.

Have you checked your testicles recently?

Yup, there's still two of them.

When was the last time you checked them, Mr Baird?

Oh, I don't know.

You're supposed to check them regularly for any abnormalities.

I usually say to people to do it when they're in the bath,

you know, when you're relaxed and they're nice and soft.

When was the last time you had a bath, Eric?

I've got no idea.

I'll make sure he has one.

Mind you, our boiler doesn't always give you enough for a bath.

No, it depends if the washing machine's been on.

What about a shower, will that soften them up?

- Cos I prefer a shower, actually. - Uh-huh.

- It's an electric shower we've got. - Well, you can... - Yeah.

It doesn't depend on the boiler, you see.

Takes it directly from the mains

and heats it up in an element in the box on the wall.

You pull a string to switch it on.

Well, you can do it anywhere.

Step up on to the scales, please.

I still cannae make head nor tail of it.

Look! There's its head, and there's its wee nose.

It's like one of those pictures they take from the drones

when they've been up bombing the villages.

Well, I'm sure the next one they do will be clearer.

Oh, well, I hope we get a few more. One copy!

But that's the NHS for you, eh? They've brung it to its knees.

And just you wait to the birth - you'll be in and out in a day.

Not like the good old times, where you could be in a place for months.

- I'm sure I can feel it starting to kick. - Aye.

Either that or it's that steak pie we had for our lunch

making its way through you.

Right, come on, let's get this up on the Facebook.

No, Mum, this is private.

Private? It might be private to you but this is my first grandchild.

Oh, fine.

And once you're finished with that,

you make sure you put it somewhere safe.

When you become a mum, Sophie,

you will understand that these are the types of things

that you'll cherish forever.

Plus it'll be good ammo in my appeal with the council

when I'm going up to get that ramp fitted.

So, are you going on holiday this year?

- No. - No?

No, no, we were away, what was it, three years ago?

Try seven.

- Seven? Is it seven years since we were in Jersey? - Uh-huh.

Jersey? That's supposed to be nice, but I suppose it's like anywhere -

depends if you get the weather.

We didn't.

Right. Well, that's everything checked

and it seems you've made really, really good progress.

Your weight's down, your cholesterol is much better

and your blood pressure is just about normal.

And what about that cloudiness in the urine?

It's all gone. That one you did today was super.

Sorry it took us a wee while. It's a bit tricky, you know,

trying to hold the two things at once.

- Well, that's smashing. Isn't that great, Eric? - Yes.

Right. Well, I'll see you in three months.

Oh, and don't forget - check those testicles!

I will... He will.

See you.

Come on.

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Right, Eric, go and get the big suitcase with the wheels down.

- Let's get started. - Beth...

Go!

Oh, I forgot to get earplugs.

Eric! We forgot to get earplugs!

They'll give you headphones on the plane.

It's not for the plane I'm wanting them.

- It's not there! - What?

It's not here.

- What? You're joking. - No.

Did Ian not use it to shift some of his stuff?

- Oh, bugger. - Oh, come on, it'll be fine.

Listen, can we not just take that big Adidas holdall

and we'll shove some bits and pieces into the cool bag

and you can take that as hand luggage?

I am not standing at Glasgow Airport

looking like I'm queuing for a laundrette, Eric.

Forget it!

Go and find the funnel,

and start putting shampoo into those clear bottles.

Why are we doing that?

So there's not a bomb.

Ian, it's me.

How many has it got now?

37 likes and two comments.

Has your Auntie Margaret liked it?

- Uh-huh. - What about Rita?

Who's Rita?

You know Rita - her that collects for the guide dogs

and went away over to help with the tidying up after the tsunami.

No.

She's only interested in herself, that one.

What about Beth - has she liked it?

Not yet, no.

You're joking.

No.

Poke her!

- Hi, Cathy. - Hi, Eric. Oh, are you doing charity bags?

- Actually... - Where's Beth?

Beth!

Hi, Cathy, sorry, but we really are up to our eyes...

No, no, no, no, no, no, that's all right.

I just thought I'd pop my head in to say thanks for putting up

with all that racket that's been going on

while we've been getting this hot tub installed.

- That's all right. - And thanks for all your help, Eric,

when we had that problem with the drains.

Colin has asked me to tell you that he was definitely not well that day,

so that's how come he had to leave you to it.

Aye, no bother, Cath.

Did you have to throw those cords in the bin?

- Aye. - Mmm.

As I say, if you don't mind, we're...

So, as an extra thank you,

we thought we'd like to get you round for a few drinks and...

a wee shot in the hot tub.

- Oh, that's lovely but... - About half seven?

- Cathy... - I said to Colin,

"People like Beth and Eric can only dream of hot tubs -

"we need to get them round."

Cathy, we can't.

What?

We can't. Not tonight, anyway.

How come?

- We're away on holiday. - Uh-huh, we've booked a holiday.

The flight's first thing in the morning

so we need to pack and get organised...

Well, where are you going?

Turkey.

Oh.

Oh, well. Well, that's that, then.

- Sorry, Cathy. - Oh, no, no, no, no, you're fine.

- I hope you haven't gone to any bother. - Oh, no...

apart from getting a hot tub put in!

Well, maybe when we get back.

Yeah, yeah, when you're back.

You enjoy yourselves!

- We will. - We will.

What's the matter?

- It's off! - Eh?

They're not coming! They're going on holiday.

What?

They're going on holiday!

Beth and Eric?

Yes.

Beth and Eric are going on holiday?

- Yes! - My God...

Beth and Eric?

Yes!

- It's a whopper. - Tell me about it.

Aw, who the hell's that now?

Answer it!

- Hiya. - Ah, thanks, boys. - Christ, I'd forgotten the bloody size of it.

- It's a beast. - Lift it, Ian, don't drag it across the carpet.

Are you sure you need this?

Yes! Don't you start, as well.

Ah, there we are.

I'll get all my stuff in there,

plus my shoes in these wee zippy bits.

How many pairs of shoes are you taking?

Did you not see the pictures she showed us, Eric, of the old town?

If we go for a walk, I'll be needing flats.

It's cobbled! Honestly!

Thanks for this, boys, that's fine.

No worries.

Just watch you don't put too much in it...

otherwise you'll go over your allowance.

What allowance?

Your baggage allowance.

You'll be fine, though, don't worry about it.

I don't even know what ours is. Did they say?

Have we got a baggage allowance, Eric?

I don't know.

- It'll be on your boarding pass. - What boarding pass?

Did they give us those?

I don't think they gave us boarding passes, did they, Eric?

- I don't know. - Oh, God, this is a nightmare.

You print them off yourself at online check-in.

I can do it for you.

It'll be fine, you'll have 20kg or something.

Yeah, or it might be 15.

Remember ours was 15 when we went to Barcelona and we didn't know?

- Oh, no. - It was fine.

Well, in the end.