Brickleberry

3x02 - In Da Club

Around the rubber, off the aids needle, and...

hole in one.

- Eat that, Steve. - No way. That is not gum.

Trust me, I couldn't even blow bubbles with it.

Steve, you know I love playing mini-golf with you,

But don't you ever wish we could play at a better place?

Are you kidding? What else could you possibly want?

How about a real windmill?

Stop trying to distract me. You're just worried that

I'm gonna kick your ass like I do every week.

- Want to bet? - I always do.

If I sink this next putt, you owe me five bucks.

Sweet, there's a new bum hole.

Come on. Come on.

Yes. Pay up.

Uh, I don't think that's your ball, Steve.

- Malloy, are you okay? - What are you, a cop?

Gross. Who thought it would be a good idea

to store their leftover spaghetti in a manila folder?

Hey, that's my lunch folder. Give me that.

Damn, Steve. What are you doing?

You got to put some parmesan on that shit.

Ugh, you know, you two deserve each other.

Low class.

Who needs class when you've got friendship?

I wish I had a friend.

What happened to that oily summer sausage?

We got in a fight, and I ate him.

Woody Johnson, everybody!

Today's the day I am becoming a member

of the Hazelhurst country club.

Uh, did you forget? They've rejected you 15 times.

Yeah, well, not this year. I have zero competition.

The other applicants may have had... accidents.

Hey, buddy, are you okay?

Oh, hot, hot.

Ow!

Nooo!

Nooo...!

Steve, cover this with your fingerprints and bury it in the woods.

- Denzel, you're coming with me. - But Denzel and I have plans tonight.

You can bleach each other's assholes another night.

Denzel, I got a job only you're qualified to do.

This some bullshit.

Everyone at the country club is going to be so impressed

- by my black driver. - Not as impressed as they'll be

by my black foot up your white ass.

Just be on your best behavior. I need you to act black...

but not uppity, Spike Lee kind of black

or questionably gay Tyler Perry kind of black.

More like, uh, Uncle Remus Zip-a-dee-do-dah black.

Say black again, mother .

No, no, no. That's Samuel L. Jackson black.

Oh, whatever, man.

Why are you so excited about this stupid club anyway?

Oh, it's only the greatest country club in the world.

Has the best golf course, the finest Cuban cigars,

30-year-old scotch.

Damn, that does sound pretty awesome.

Plus once a year at their annual Founder's day golf tournament,

they make a legendary club sandwich.

Only an Andy Reid-looking tub of shit like you

would get excited about a sandwich.

Denzel, you don't understand.

After the war, I was a homeless vet

hooked on smack and Thai ladyboys.

That sandwich turned my life around.

Once I tasted that sandwich,

I realized I had something to live for.

Mr. Woody, time for dingaling tug tug?

Change of plans, Pu Yang. I am moving out.

Woody, it would appear you're our number one applicant.

Mainly because you're the only one who bothered to show up.

So about your ethnic background...

All white, all white, all white.

- Excuse me, Mr. Johnson. - Well, hello there, my black driver.

Denzel, do you have an impressive message for me?

Yes, I do. The president is on the phone for you.

- He says it is urgent. - Ugh, him again?

Tell him I said to bomb any country with a "Q" in it.

Now get the hell out of here!

Hello, fake ass president.

This top-heavy mother can't talk right now.

He's busy taste testing three crackers' assholes.

Bye.

I love this guy.

You know, we are very intrigued by black culture.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We love the blacks.

- Now about my membership. - Right.

Woody, I think we finally found our newest member.

- Denzel, welcome to the club. - Well, thank you, I... Denzel?

Son of a bitch!

I can't believe they let Denzel in over me.

If they want affirmative action, I'll give 'em affirmative action.

Have you seen Denzel?

Yes, that son of a bitch is at the country club.

He tap-danced his way in and stole my spot.

What? He never misses fountain Friday.

Last week we cleaned up.

I wish my cancer would go away.

Sweet! A penny.

Denzel, we spare no expense

when it comes to making our members happy.

Anything you want, we'll make it happen.

How about a baby elephant dressed as Superman?

And I thought Wayne Brady was funny. Let's show you around.

Pool.

Tennis.

Sauna.

Ball pit.

High stakes bum fights.

And last but not least, our golf course.

Oh. My. God.

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Not a single used condom or dick-swinging clown.

There's only one clown here, and that's Jerry.

He married a Jewish woman.

To Denzel.

Man, I could get used to this.

Me too.

I am Iron Man.

Whoo. Holy shit, that was impressive.

- Up top, mother ! - Steve, how'd you get in here?

They wouldn't let me in, so I dug under the fence.

Denzel, do you know this gentleman?

- Uh... - Of course he does.

We were supposed to hang out tonight.

Look, I'm kind of busy here. Just hang out by yourself.

Nah, when I'm by myself, all I do is cry, eat, and masturbate

until they kick me out of Cinnabon.

Malloy... hey, wait.

When did Woody replace his white rug

- with a zebra print? - He didn't.

Malloy, I'm concerned about your health.

So says the drunken bag of syphilis.

You need to get your anal glands expressed.

We've got to get you to the vet before they swell up

- and get infected. - I would love to,

but I'm very busy right now with my cardio.

Denzel, did you know they have free liquor here?!

"Do you like to get freaky?"

"Yeah."

Your friend seems to be having some sort of ... fit.

Who, him? I don't know him. I thought he was your friend.

- My bad. - That's it, Steve'!

Get your drunk ass out of here and leave us alone.

So you're choosing them over me?

You'd rather live like a king

Instead of going to the mall and stealing pennies

from cancer kids?

Joke's on you. I took my dinner to go.

Mmm, lobster takes like blood and teeth.

Man, I love my new friends.

Those country clubbers are cool as hell.

Oh, yeah, let's hear all about

Denzel and his fancy new friends.

Did you tell them that they sicced attack dogs on me?

- They didn't. - Emotional attack dogs!

The point is, I'm ready to accept your apology.

My apology?

You're the one that got drunk and embarrassed me

- in front of my friends. - Friends?

These guys just let you into their exclusive club,

laugh at everything you say,

and shower you with anything you want.

Don't you smell something fishy?

Yeah, you still got lobsters in your pants, dumbass.

You leave Sebastian and Sandy Claws out of this.

Steve, you're just jealous because you can't make new friends.

I'll show you. I can make new friends too, you know.

- Hey, Malloy. - Get the away from me.

All right. Ethel, you want to hang out?

Wish I could, but I have to go to the emergency room.

Yow!

Oh, me. I want to hang out.

- All right, how about you? - Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Come on, rabid possum.

Oh.